President Donald J. TRUMP
The TRUMP Organization
725 Fifth Avenue,
New York, NY 10022
Dear President TRUMP,
Sorry it’s been almost three months since I’ve written you. Last time I didn’t write for a long time because my wife locked me in the basement, turned on Rachel Maddow, and took away the remote. But this time I’m not going to make any excuses. I hate people who lie and make up excuses, don’t you?
Like Paul Ryan. He’s been going around saying you’re a lousy president because you’re a rookie. Here’s what Paul Ryan said:
“The president’s new at this. He’s new to government, and so he probably wasn’t steeped in the long-running protocols that establish the relationships between DOJ, FBI and White Houses. He’s just new to this.”
This is outrageous! If an airline pilot crashed your plane, would it be okay because he was “new at this”?
If your heart surgeon accidentally amputated your foot, would you forgive him because he was “new at this”?
If Hillary were president and she had seven officials under investigation for collusion with the Russians, if she told the FBI director behind closed doors that she hoped he’d call off his investigation, then fired said FBI director because he wouldn’t, if Hillary were accused of laundering 10 billion dollars out of Russia through Deutsche Bank, would you cut her some slack because she was “new at this”?
Of course not! You’d have Hillary behind bars faster than you can say, “Lock her up!”
Call Paul Ryan into the Oval Office and take him to the wood shed! Tell him you’re not a lousy president because you’re “new at this!”
Tell him you’re a lousy president because you have more important things to do like running 144 businesses in 25 countries!
Tell him you’re a lousy president because you’ve been too busy proving that Obama bugged TRUMP Towers!
Tell him you’re a lousy president because you’ve been too busy being nice to Putin so he won’t release those videos of Russian babes!
Speaking of babes, have you ever heard of Jessica Alba? She’s a very beautiful movie star who was #1 on Maxim’s list of hot babes in 2001.
Have you ever grabbed her pussy?
The reason I ask about Jessica Alba is she said something I think you would agree with. Here’s what she said:
“You should never be the smartest person in the room. There's always going to be somebody who's smarter to learn from, and that's a good thing.”
It’s like when you were in the room with James Comey. It’s okay to admit he was smarter than you. The important thing is you learned from him! Here’s what you learned:
You learned that Comey gets higher ratings than The Apprentice!
You learned that a TRUMP vs. Comey match-up will be bigger than Ali-Frazier!
You learned that Comey was smarter than you because he took notes.
Unless you secretly taped your meetings in which case….well….Comey was smarter than you.
Get rid of those tapes, sir! Study your history!
POP HISTORY QUIZ:
1) The New York Times said this about which American president: “It boggles the mind to think that any man who has won this great honor might see it as a wonderful opportunity to line his pockets.”
2) Which American president made improvements to his properties at government’s expense on the grounds that they were necessary to keep him safe?
3) Which American president had a relative accused of “influence peddling” in exchange for rights to develop property in a foreign country?
4) Which American president’s press secretary was criticized for having “misled the public and affronted the professional standards of the Washington press corps”?
5) The NY Times said this about which American president: “There is no respect for truth, and the community loses the belief that knits it together. … Americans may hesitate at what seems to some regicide, but they understand that their sickness comes from the king.”
6) Which American President made secret tapes, failed to destroy them, and consequently was forced to resign?
1. Richard M. Nixon
2. Richard M. Nixon
3. Donald Nixon, brother to Richard M. Nixon
4. Ron Ziegler, press secretary to Richard M. Nixon
5. Richard M. Nixon
6. Richard M. Nixon
You see? Learn from history! Destroy those tapes!
Who can you trust to do it? Don’t make Spicer do it. This is too big of a job for him. If you couldn’t trust him to meet the Pope, you can’t trust him to destroy your tapes.
Jared? I don’t think so. He’s got enough on his plate, what with reforming the criminal justice system, being the point man in China and Mexico, solving the opioid epidemic, and making peace in the Middle East. Israel too.
Also, Jared’s going to be busy boning up on his congressional hearing talking points.
No. There’s only one person you can rely on to get rid of those tapes and that’s Steve Bannon! Just tell him to take them home to his fiery inferno and throw them in!
Then it will all come down to “He said, he said.” Your word against Comey’s.
What could go wrong?