Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Saturday, June 25, 2005
Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,

I know you’re not a marriage counselor, but I wonder if you could settle a family dispute.

It’s about my oldest grandson, Rudy. He’s sixteen and wants to join the army. Rudy is a true patriot! He’s got a yellow ribbon on his door that says, “Support Our Troops!” He has American flags sticking out of all four bedposts and an American flag bedspread. He has a poster of Our President tacked on his wall--it’s the picture of Him wearing the fighter pilot’s jumpsuit and He’s standing in front of a sign that says, “Mission Accomplished!”

As I said, Rudy wants to join the army. He’s only sixteen, but he’s determined! He wants to Be All He Can Be! He wants to Be an Army of One! You can imagine, I’m one proud grandpa. I’m like the guy in the new TV ad--I want to Help Rudy Find His Strength!

The problem is my wife, Viola. Last week, she and a bunch of her friends went to Rudy’s school and laid down in front of the entrance so the recruiters couldn’t get in. They held them off for a whole morning, but finally, the police scrounged up enough officers to haul the ladies away. There was talk about calling the National Guard, but you know where they are!

This is the second time I’ve had to bail Viola out of jail! Last year I had to bail her out when she demonstrated at the Republican Convention. After the elections, we moved to Canada for awhile but now, we’ve barely been back in the states for a week, and I’ve already had to bail her out again.

Anyway, yesterday a nice man named Sgt. Johnston came to our house and asked to speak to Rudy. Viola asked how he knew about Rudy, and Sgt. Johnston explained that the No Child Left Behind act allowed him to collect home addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, report cards, and family incomes of all public school students.

Do you know what Viola said? She said, “No drug pushers or military recruiters in this house!” And she slammed the door.

You can imagine the argument we got into. I tried to explain that Rudy wants to do his patriotic duty and spread democracy around the world! Viola’s point was she didn’t bring up her grandson to be maimed or killed, or to go halfway across the planet to kill other people, all so My President can rule the world.

I said it was important My President rule the world so we can all be free!

“Besides,” I explained, “Vice President Cheney said the insurgents are in their ‘last throes.’ Rudy wants to go to Iraq and help mop up before the war’s all over.”

Viola said, “He’s too young! He won’t even be eligible for another year!”

Is that true? If it is, I think you should lower the minimum age. You’ve been having so much trouble getting recruits lately! I wish I could advise you to start a draft, but Our President promised there wouldn’t be one, and you know how stubborn He is--He never changes his mind. Besides, if He started a draft, there would be impeachment hearings faster than you can say, “Extreme interrogation techniques!”

No, there’s only one answer--expand the recruiting pool! Haven’t you seen those pictures of 10-year-old Palestinian kids holding rifles? We have to keep up if we’re going to compete!

Think ahead, Mr. Secretary! That’s what you’re good at!

You’ve raised the maximum enlistment age to thirty-nine. Now, I hope you’ll think about lowering the minimum eligibility age. Could you lower it to twelve? That way my younger grandson, Lester, can go too. No Child Left Behind!

And if you don’t lower the age requirements, do you think you could make an exception for my grandson, Rudy? He’s really mature for his age.

Also, please don’t tell Viola I wrote you this letter. I’m already sleeping on the couch.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

P.S. When Rudy goes to Iraq, can he drive a Rhino Runner like the one Halliburton loaned you when you went? I hear they have much better armor than those Hummers that keep getting blown up. I can’t wait to see the picture of my Rudy riding around in a Rhino Runner!

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