Monday, October 18, 2004
October 19, 2004
Secretary Tommy Thompson
Health and Human Services
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Secretary Thompson,
I WANT MY FLU SHOT AND I WANT IT NOW! I DON’T FEEL SAFE!
I have a question for you: My President said He was going to make me SAFE! Well, how am I supposed to feel SAFE! if I can’t have my flu shot?
Do you know how many times I’ve had the flu in my life? Lots! Do you know how many times I’ve been attacked by a terrorist? Zero! So how come we’re spending 200 gazillion dollars fighting terrorists in Iraq and I CAN’T GET A FLU SHOT?!
I’m starting to think you’re coming from the Tom Ridge School of Problem Solving. Do you know what Tom Ridge says whenever he has to raise the Terror Alert level because Our President is slipping in the polls? Here’s what Tom Ridge says:
Just like you! That’s what you said when we ran out of flu shots: “Don’t panic.” Does that mean the Terror Alert is going back up to Orange-Plus? Steady! Don’t panic! Wait til we get closer to the election.
Here’s what else you said:
“Make sure you have a good supply of duct tape.”
Ha ha. Just kidding. Here’s what you really said:
“We want people to relax...We don't want people to stand in line. We want them to understand that if you are a senior, there is a good possibility you will get a vaccine.''
A “good possibility?!” Last year, 84 million people got a flu shot. This year you said you might be able to come up with 55 million shots. Get out your calculator! There’s a “good possibility” that 29 million people might get the flu!
Anyway, I want you to know that I went to Safeway for my flu shot and I took your advice--I didn’t stand in line. I pushed a guy in a wheelchair into an old lady with an oxygen tank so I could get to the front because I HAVE TO GET MY FLU SHOT so I can feel SAFE! And guess what? They ran out before I got there.
The Liberal Senator From Massachusetts was in Florida yesterday. Here’s what he said:
“If Halliburton made flu shots there'd be more flu shots here than oranges."
Is this true? I think we should pull Halliburton out of Iraq right now and put them where we need them: Making flu shots! Let Cheney head up a Secret Flu Shot Task Force. Maybe they can drill for flu serum in the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. I don’t care if Halliburton charges me $500 for a shot--I just want to be SAFE!
Here’s what else the Liberal Senator from Massachusetts said:
“The Bush administration simply does not get it. They didn't take action to avert this shortage, despite the fact they had been warned for years. Yet again the Bush health care policy sends a clear message to Americans: don't get sick."
You see? That’s what I love about Our President! Clear messages! I feel SAFE! because He’s a STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADER who gives me clear messages I can understand:
“When a drug comes in from Canada, I wanna make sure it cures ya, not kill ya...I’ve got an obligation to make sure our government does everything it can to protect you. And one--my worry is that it looks like it’s from Canada, and it might be from a third world.”
“The truth of the matter is, if you listen very carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off.”
“Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life."
“God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear."
Mission Accomplished! You’re with us or you’re against us! Bring ‘em on! Wanted: Dead or Alive! You can run but ya can’t hide! Four more years!
Don’t get sick!