Saturday, August 21, 2004
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. Rove,
I know the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have a lot of leaks in their boat, but you have to stay the coarse! This is war! When the going gets tough, the tough keep telling the same story til 51 per cent believe it!
I know it’s been rough sailing lately. First, John McCain, the senator we hate to love, comes out and says the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ad was “dishonest and dishonorable.” He said, “I can’t believe the president would pull such a cheap stunt.”
Then, that guy George Elliott signs an affidavit saying the Flip-Flopping Frenchman shot some Vietnamese kid in the back. Now he says, “It was a terrible mistake” to sign it. “I knew it was wrong.”
Then it turns out this John O’Neill guy who wrote the book saying the Flip-Flopping Frenchman faked his war injuries was Chuck Colson’s stooge for Nixon. And the other guy who wrote the book, Larry Thurlow, said he was with the Flip-Flopping Frenchman and there was no enemy gunfire. But his war records said there was enemy fire directed at “all units!”
And now, we’ve got this Alfred French guy who signed an affidavit saying the Flip-Flopping Frenchman “wildly exaggerated and lied about his record in Vietnam.” But he changed his story and now he says he didn’t really witness anything, but his friends told him Kerry was a liar, and that was good enough for him.
WHAT ARE YOU DIGGING UP A GUY NAMED ALFRED FRENCH FOR?! IF YOU’VE LEARNED ANYTHING AT ALL BY NOW, DON’T YOU KNOW WE CAN’T TRUST SOMEBODY NAMED “FRENCH?!”
AND WHY CAN’T WE GET ANYBODY TO STICK TO THEIR STORY?!
And we’re still not done! The Democrats say this Texas billionaire, Robert J. Perry is the guy who’s funding the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads, and he’s the largest donor to Republican causes in Texas! And guess who his good friend is? You! He’s also given pots of money to Our President and Tom DeLay.
STOP THE BLEEDING!
But wait--there’s more! Dr. Louis Letson said, “I know John Kerry is lying about his first Purple Heart because I treated him for that injury.” Well, guess what? He didn’t! Some doc named J.C. Carreon treated Kerry. And guess what else? J.C. Carreon is dead. Why didn’t you make up some quote from J.C. Carreon that the Flip-Flopping Frenchman faked one of his injuries? At least he couldn’t change his story!
Then you’ve got Adrian Lonsdale who said in 1996, “Senator Kerry...was among the finest of those Swift Boat drivers.” But now he says, “He lacks the capacity to lead.”
My head is spinning and still I stagger on! Today, William Rood, editor for the Chicago Tribune who served with Kerry broke a 35 year silence and wrote that everything the Flip-Flopping Frenchman said was true! “It's gotten harder and harder for those of us who were there to listen to accounts we know to be untrue, especially when they come from people who were not there," he said.
Also today, Air Force Colonol Ken Cordier had to resign as an advisor to Our President because he was in that Swift Boat Veterans for Truth commercial. Some fancy-pants lawyer decided that was a conflict of interest. Here’s the statement Our President’s campaign released:
“Air Force Col. Ken Cordier did not inform the campaign of his involvement in the advertisement.''
And now, speaking of fancy-pants lawyers, the Flip-Flopping Frenchman’s going to sue you. It’s true! They found a Swift Boat Veterans for Truth flier at a Bush-Cheney office in Gainseville, Florida! So? What’s their point? Here’s what Our President’s campaign spokesman, Steve Schmidt said:
“The Bush-Cheney campaign has nothing to do with that piece of paper. . . . I don't know how it showed up at the campaign headquarters.''
That settles that! It’s so obvious--those Democrats are up to their dirty tricks again! They’ll do anything to win!
I don’t know why this is so hard! When we did the Willie Horton ads on Michael Dukakis, it worked! When we did the John McCain fathered an illegitimate brown child ads, they worked! We even convinced everybody that Max Cleland, the guy who lost three limbs in Vietnam was a friend of Osama bin Laden! Those were the salad days!
We’re just going to have to try harder. Fortunately, I’ve written a commercial for you. I know you guys like to keep things “in-house,” but sometimes you need fresh eyes from the outside. I’ve read it out loud--it’s exactly thirty seconds. Here it is:
(Black screen) Our President: “I’m George W. Bush and I don’t endorse this ad. I know nothing about it. Neither does anybody else in my campaign.”
(Swirling mist)Ominous Voice: “The fog of war...Accounts of battle can be so different. Perspectives shift. Memories change.” (Sounds of bombs, yelling, chaos...Visuals of violent battle scenes. Voice becomes skeptical.) “The Flip-Flopping Frenchman says he’s a war hero.” (Voice becomes reasonable.) “Others say he’s a bald-faced liar. Who knows for sure?” (Pictures of young Kerry with long hair, at rally with Jane Fonda, protesting, etc.) “The point is: There is doubt.” (Voice becomes more ominous again, professorial.) “Do we want to entrust our safety in the war on terrorism to somebody whom we’re just not sure of?” (Picture of the Flip-Flopping Frenchman superimposed over a picture of Osama bin Laden. Fade to picture of Our President with backdrop of humongus American flag waving behind Him.) “With George W. Bush, we know where we stand. He may not be a war hero, but at least we know for sure!”
“Paid for by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth which has absolutely nothing to do with the Republican party.”
You see? Use it! Trust me, it’ll work! But only if you guys STAY ON MESSAGE! I can only help you so much, and the rest is up to you!
By the way, who are you going to hire for your lawyer? I think you should get Johnnie Cochran. That guy can get anybody off!
P.S. Will you please send me a picture of yourself? Autographed? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite. He prays for you every night.