FOR THE EYES OF EX-PRESIDENT TRUMP ONLY!!!
The Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 South Ocean Boulevard,
Palm Beach, Florida 33480
Dear Ex-President TRUMP,
Did you notice at the top of this letter it says, TOP SECRET, CONFIDENTIAL, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY? You know what that means, right? It means you can’t go around handing out copies at Mar-a-Lago as if they’re pizza slices that you chewed a bite out of!
Speaking of the pizza that you bit into and passed around to your MAGA-Lago friends, how much did you charge for those half-eaten slices? I hope it was a lot because lawyers are expensive these days!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, you know what MAGA stands for: Making Attorneys Get Attorneys. Once my lawyers are all in jail they won’t be able to bill me anyway. So what’s your point?”
My point is, Mr. Ex-President, you’re going to need all the money you can get from your line of TRUMP Saliva Pizza to pay all your legal fees. You owe E. Jean Carroll 5 million bucks for not raping her in a department store.
You’ve got a March trial coming up in New York for 34 counts of “repeatedly and fraudulently” having sex with Stormy Daniels in your Lake Tahoe hotel room while Melania was home with your newborn baby.
Whoops! I got that wrong. You didn’t “repeatedly” have sex with Stormy Daniels. You only did it once. And she says it only lasted for a minute. Here’s what she said:
“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Where was I? Oh, right! “Repeatedly and fraudulently.” Here’s what New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg says you did “repeatedly and fraudulently” :
“…repeatedly and fraudulently falsify(ing) New York business records to conceal crimes that hid damaging information from the voting public during the 2016 presidential election.”
But that’s all so last month!
TWICE IMPEACHED TRUMP FACES SECOND CRIMINAL INDICTMENT
Again?! What did you get indicted for this time? I can’t keep up! Is this about the Jan 6 Insurrection? No, that one’s still percolating.
Is this the Georgia “I just want to find 11,780 votes” thing? No, Fani Willis is holding out for a slow August news cycle.
Is this that New York lawsuit by attorney general Letitia James, accusing you and your kids of cheating lenders and insurers by overvaluing your assets by billions of dollars? No, that one won’t go to trial till October.
I guess that leaves us with that little “espionage” thing. Which brings us to:
BREAKING BREAKING NEWS!!!
Here it is:
31 counts of willful retention of classified documents
1 count of conspiracy to obstruct justice
1 count of withholding a document or record
1 count of corruptly concealing a document or record
1 count of concealing a document in a federal investigation
1 count of scheme to conceal
Okay. So that’s 37 little “espionage” things. But who’s counting?
Special Prosecutor Jack Smith is counting, that’s who! He counted over 300 classified documents you stored in your bedroom, storage room, the Mar-a-Lago ballroom, your shower, your office, and your bathroom.
Did you see that picture of all those boxes piled up right next to your toilet? I hope you have good aim!
That’s why you’re the ex-President of the United States and I’m just a neighborhood grocer. When my friends come over and want to use the bathroom, they get to read National Review and Guns and Ammo and 4 year-old copies of the Enquirer. When your friends use the bathroom, they get to read nuclear secrets of foreign countries and America’s contingency plans in the event of an attack!
Maybe that’s what Sergey Lavrov meant when he told you he had to take a leak.
And those boxes and boxes stacked on the stage of the White and Gold Ballroom! The Mar-a-Lago wedding planners must have come up with some magical wedding themes: Classified Chic! Nuclear Casual! Top-Secrets-by-the-Sea!
But that’s not all. The indictment says: “On two occasions in 2021, TRUMP showed classified documents to others…” Then it goes on to say you got caught on tape telling a writer, publisher, and two staff members about a Defense Department “plan of attack” that you told them was “highly confidential” and “secret.” Here’s what else you said:
“In my administration I’m going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law.”
Whoops! That’s so 2016. Here’s what you told the writer, publisher, and two staff members in 2021:
“This is secret information. Look, look at this. As president I could have declassified it. Now I can’t, you know, but this is still a secret.”
The indictment also says you showed a classified map related to a military operation to a PAC official who didn’t have security clearance. It says you "told the representative that (you) should not be showing it and that the representative should not get too close."
Speaking of getting too close, I know you’re perfect and have no faults and all that, but you do have one blind spot sir, and here it is:
You get too close to your lawyers!
With all due respect sir, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ROY COHN WERE YOU THINKING!!!??? I knew that Evan Corcoran guy was a rat from the beginning! Couldn’t you tell he was the kind of lawyer who would take notes of your conversations?! I knew that bulge in his coat was a tape recorder! Were you too busy wiping ketchup off Russia’s nuclear secrets to notice?!
Here’s what Corcoran told Jack Smith you said after you got subpoenaed for the documents:
“I don’t want anybody looking, I don’t want anybody looking through my boxes, I really don’t, I don’t want you looking through my boxes.”
“Well, what if we, what happens if we just don’t respond at all or don’t play ball with them?”
“Wouldn’t it be better if we just told them we don’t have anything here?”
“Well look isn’t it better if there are no documents?”
I have a related question: What does a “valet” do? Also, do you pronounce it “val-let” as in “wallet” or “val-lay” as in “ballet”? The reason I ask is that Walt Nauta guy who was indicted along with you is your “valet.” Here’s a list of his duties:
Dress you before noon
Oversee menu (cheeseburgers, fries, Diet Coke)
Replace golf ball within 3 feet of hole after you shanked it into the water hazard
Sneak 64 subpoenaed boxes out of storage room and into private residence
He must have had to perform that last duty in a hurry because when Evan Corcoran got there, he still found 38 classified documents that he turned over to the feds. Corcoran also signed a statement saying that all the docs had been turned over. He didn’t know about the boxes that Nauta had sneaked out of the storage room and spread around the bathroom and the ballroom and the shower.
And the plane! You were flying to Bedminster on your private plane and Nauta stashed a bunch of boxes on the plane. Not too many though. Melania needed room for her luggage. No wonder you don’t fly commercial! There would never be enough room in the overhead for all the stuff Melania schlepps around with her!
By the way, have you been watching the NBA finals? That guy Nikola Jokic is great! You’d like him. He’s white. Jokic is the king of the triple double. A triple double is when a player gets double digits in points scored, rebounds, and assists in a single game. You’re a triple double king too! So far you’ve had 2 impeachments, 2 indictments (and counting), and too many sexual assault allegations to count. You’re the MAGA Nikola Jokic!
It’s a good thing you can still be president even if you’re a convicted felon—even if you’re in jail! When you’re a felon president, it won’t matter that you’re not allowed to vote. We probably won’t be having elections for a while anyway.
P.S. Did you notice that Jack Smith spells your name the same way I do? It’s true! In the indictment, he always spells your name in bold, large font, capital letters like this: TRUMP. Just like I do! I think that’s the correct spelling. That’s how you spell it on all your buildings and logos.
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite boss. He likes you even better than Al Capone!