Thursday, April 01, 2004
P.O. Box 2182
Palm Beach, FL 33480
It seems like only yesterday you were indicted for drug trafficing and then you went to rehab and now you’re back on the air. Time flies! You got out of rehab faster than Whitney Houston!
You’re back in the news! I heard you say the 9/11 victims’ families were campaign consultants for the Democrats. As soon as you said that, a light bulb went on: Prednisone!
It’s the only thing that makes sense. You’ve been thinking all along that you were addicted to pain pills, but you probably bought them in Canada where the prescription drug market is like the Wild West! Heads up, Rush--they haven’t been sending you pain pills! You’ve been taking prednisone!
Let me fill you in on prednisone. Recently, my doctor prescribed it to me for a condition I have. Prednisone is a steroid. It makes you feel GOOD! IT MAKES YOU FEEL REALLY, REALLY GOOD! It makes you feel like SUPERMAN! You can do ANYTHING! And then, you start babbling a mile-a-minute and saying all kinds of mean and stupid things!
When I was on prednisone, I decided at 2 in the morning that our gutters needed cleaning. I snuck outside in my bathrobe, shimmied up the drain pipe, and started clearing them out with my bare hands. I thought I could do it without waking my wife, but I was singing, “I Did It My Way,” and I got louder and louder and pretty soon I heard my wife yell. Here’s what she said:
“What the H*LL are you doing?!
What I was doing was falling off the roof because she scared me. But here’s the weird part--When she took me to the hospital, I began quoting you! I was sitting next to a bag lady in the emergency room and I blurted out:
“One of the things I want to do before I die is conduct the Homeless Olympics! We could have the 10-meter Shopping Cart Relay! We could have the Dumpster Dig! We could have the Hop, Skip and Trip."
My nurse was wiping the drool off my chin and I said:
“Did you know: the larger the bra-size, the smaller the IQ?"
While my doctor was stitching me up, I browbeat him:
"Most Canadian physicians who are themselves in need of surgery scurry across the border to get it done right: the American way! If you have any doubts about the status of American health care, just compare it with that in other industrialized nations."
As he continued to calmly stitch, my doctor said, “I’ll have you know, Mr. Estrada, that the U.S. ranks 19th in life expectancy and 20th in infant mortality among the 23 industrialized nations. Furthermore, America’s health care satisfaction rate is 11 percent, the lowest of the 10 largest industrialized nations.”
But the prednisone raged on. As my African-American doctor set my leg cast, I asked him:
"Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?"
I think that was when my wife told me I could walk home. But I figure, if prednisone can make me quote Rush Limbaugh, then that’s probably where you get all that stuff! And when you said the 9-11 victims’ families “sound like campaign consultants (who are) aligned with the Democrats,” I just nodded my head knowingly and thought, “Prednisone.”
I know you just got out of drug rehab, but I think maybe you should try again.