Marion Pat Robertson
The Christian Broadcast Network
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, VA 23463
Dear Marion Pat Robertson,
I just want to be the first to say Welcome Aboard! Youre in the big leagues now!
I got your glossy post card announcing that your show is going to be aired on FOX-TV! You won the lottery! I knew all those years of living out of your car and eating peanut butter sandwiches would pay off! No more 700 Club for you! Youll have to call it The Seven Thousand Club now!
Now that The Seven Thousand Club is going to be on FOX-TV, will it be fair and balanced? I just wondered because the old 700 Club used to lean pretty heavy towards Christianity. Now that youre on the fair and balanced network, you might want to mix in a few Muslims or Hare Krishnas. You could have Jerry Falwell debate the Grand Ayatollah Sistani. You could have James Dobson debate the Dalai Lama. You could have Mel Gibson go mano a mano with Woody Allen.
Thank you for my glossy postcard! I will always treasure it! I see it was bulk mail, so I guess you sent it to lots of other people besides me. That must have cost you a fortune! Oh well, now that youre in the big time at FOX-TV, I guess you can splurge.
Your wife, Tammy Faye Bakker looks great! I guess, now that youre on FOX-TV, you made her get rid of the clown make-up, fix her hair, and get botoxed. Good move! I bet youre wondering why you didnt make her do that a long time ago! With 20/20 hindsight, its easy to see why you were spinning your wheels at your little CBN station for so many years. Hint: It wasnt your fault! And it wasnt that guy whos sitting in front of Tammy Faye in the picture.
By the way, who is that guy whos sitting in front of Tammy Faye in the picture? I should give you the heads-up that shes got her hand on his back. Im sure its innocent, but when youre on TV, appearances are everything! Also, he looks a lot younger than you--thats the trouble with being old and marrying a younger woman. Its hard to keep up. And then, you get so tired from being on the lookout for other horses in your stall, you sometimes miss whats going on right under your nose.
Like in that glossy picture--you dont even seem to notice that your wife, Tammy Faye, has her hand on that guys back and hes got this smug, self-satisfied grin on his face. Put on your glasses, Marion Pat Robertson! Wake up and smell the oats!
Im sure its nothing. Maybe she has a puppet act. It sort of looks like hes a puppet and shes controlling him from behind and trying to talk without moving her lips. Its hard to tell from the picture if her lips are moving or not.
Anyway, I know how spendy it is to print up and mail all those glossy postcards, so Im sending you a quarter to help with the expenses. Will you please send me a receipt?
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
P.S. I know you talk to the Lord all the time, so could you do me a favor and ask Him what the over/under is for if Our President gets impeached this year?