Monday, May 26, 2003
Vice President Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Vice President:
I read that Democrats and Republicans on the Senate Foreign Relations and the House International Relations Committees want the White House to turn over records on how Iraq reconstruction contracts were awarded. Don’t do it! These guys are a bunch of traitors to our country who don’t even remember 9/11! Don’t they know there’s a war on terrorism going on?!
You don’t have to give them anything. They tried to get your records on those energy meetings and you stonewalled ‘em. Stonewall again! Speaking of “stonewalling,” they probably think this is another Watergate, and they’re just trying to win votes by playing “gotcha.” Well, this is no Watergate. I’ve taken the liberty to compare the Bush II Team with the Watergate Team head-to-head, and I think when you see the results, you’ll agree that you guys are Number 1! Ready?
Richard Nixon, President - Firm grasp of the issues. Highly intelligent. Broad vision. Fatal flaw: Inability to win trust of public which was convinced he was a “crook.” Score: 8
George W. Bush, President - Strong, forceful leader. Decisive. Clear and simple vision. Intelligent, not articulate (this works as a plus because most of the public is not articulate either, so they relate to him.) Score: 9
H.R. “Bob” Haldeman, Chief of Staff - Hard as nails. Loyal to the point of going to jail for his president. Even his haircut spoke of toughness! Score: 9
Andrew Card, Chief of Staff - Different style; more low-key, understated, however, every bit as effective in the shadows. Excellent corporate connections. Score: 9
John Ehrlichman, Chief Domestic Advisor - Also hard as nails and loyal... to a point. However, he showed his weakness when, after he got out of jail, he grew a beard, criticized his boss, and wrote smutty books. Score: 7
Karl Rove, Chief Advisor to the President - This guy is a genius. Everything he touches turns to political gold! Score: 10
Melvin Laird, Secretary of Defense - Totally botched the VietNam war. Had all the firepower, but couldn’t put ‘em away. Score: 4
Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense - We saw what happened to Afghanastan and Iraq. If he had been Secretary of Defense in the 60’s, VietNam would never have happened--he would have shocked & awed them! Score: 10
Henry Kissinger, Secretary of State - A true heavyweight. He rolled around in a vat of you-know-what and came out smelling like a rose. Score:10
Colin Powell, Secretary of State - We fall down a little here. Well-liked and respected, but too willing to compromise; lacks “fire in the belly.” Score: 7
John Mitchell, Attorney General - Whatever he was missing upstairs, he made up for in toughness. Loyal to the end. His wife was a problem. Score: 8
John Ashcroft, Attorney General - Tough, focused. Has shown genius in ability to work around areas of the Constitution that just aren’t practical. Score: 9
And finally:
Spiro Agnew, Vice-President - A total loser. Put any used car salesman in there and they would have done a better job. Score: 3
Dick Cheney, Vice President - Here’s where we clean up! Simply the best VP in history. Indispensible to the president. A great “behind-the-scenes” leader, and a great vision for America! Score: 10
Total Score:
Nixon Watergate Team: 49
Bush II Team: 64
So you can see you have nothing to worry about! This is a totally different situation. You guys have the best team ever. And when the FCC deregulates the media some more, there won’t be any pests like Woodward and Bernstein who can touch you! You’ll be home free. Don’t give an inch!
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
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