Laura Loomer 

P.O. Box 1038

Lady Lake, FL  32159

Dear Miss Loomer,

I want to be the first to congratulate you on being our ex-President’s newest TRUMP Girl!  I can tell he really likes you!  You got to ride with him on his plane to the Kamala debate (which everybody is saying he won).  You got to travel with him to the 9/11 commemoration.  You showed up with him at his rallies.  You’ve gotten so close to him, you might know the answer to the question that’s on everybody’s mind, which is:

Where’s Melania?  

I’m guessing you’ve gotten to be such good friends with ex-President TRUMP that you must be having some giggly girl-to-girl talks with Melania too?  Nobody’s seen her in such a long time, we’re starting to worry.  You’re a journalist.  What’s the scoop?

Speaking of Melania, where’s Ivanka?  We haven’t seen her in a while either.  Remember when ex-President TRUMP said if she weren’t his daughter he’d probably be dating her?   Ivanka’s almost 44 years old, so she’s a bit too old for him now. You’re 31, so you’re more the right age.  Also on the plus side, you’re not his daughter.

I wonder if our ex-President would like Lauren Boebert to be a TRUMP Girl?  She’s 37 so she might be a little too old too.  She checks off a lot of the same boxes that you do though: White nationalist: check. QAnon conspiracy theorist: check. Election denier: check.  Anti-everything: check. 

Also, you and Lauren Boebert have been kicked out of a lot of events!  Here are the events Lauren Boebert has been kicked out of:

—A stage show of Beetlejuice where she was vaping, recording the performance, and giving her date a helping hand while they were having a “very private moment.”  

Here are a few of the events YOU ‘ve been kicked out of:

—A Shakespeare in the Park presentation of Julius Caesar.  You rushed the stage when Caesar was assassinated because in this production, they made Caesar into ex-President TRUMP, and his wife, Calpurnia, was sort of like Melania.  Maybe if you get to be the official TRUMP Girl #4 , they’ll make a play about YOU being Calpurnia! 

—Suspended from Barry University for secretly recording a professor talking about supporting Islam.

—Kicked off Nancy Pelosi’s lawn where you’d set up a tent with a bunch of guys you picked up at Home Depot to protest immigration.

—Escorted by police out of 2019 Women’s March when you rushed the stage and interrupted a speaker, calling the Women’s March a “Nazi” organization.

—Arrested with protestors wearing serapes, sombreros, and false mustaches, when you jumped the wall at Gavin Newsom’s Governors Mansion, protesting immigration.

—Banned from CPAC in 2019 and the Bitcoin conference in 2021 for heckling reporters.

—Banned from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,* Uber, Lyft, PayPal, GoFundMe, and Venmo.  That was because “left wing terrorists and tyrants” were “trying to shut me (you) down” for “falsely accusing me (you) of being a white supremacist, a Nazi, anti-Muslim, a racist, a bigot, and every other smear in the book.”  

WHEW!  You’re the Marvin K. Mooney of politics! 

Lauren E. Loomer, I don’t care how,                                    

Lauren E. Loomer will you please go now? 

Google it.  It’s a children’s book.  You probably don’t know about Marvin K. Mooney because you’re single and childless.  I have a question: Do you have any cats?

*Fortunately, I saw that Elon Musk reinstated you when he bought Twitter, so chalk up a point for freedom of speech!  Sorry, I just can’t bring myself to call it X yet.  Sounds too much like billionaire porn. 

Another thing you have in common with Lauren Boebert is you both hate Muslims, immigrants, and Democrats.  And Marjorie Taylor Greene hates both of you!  Here’s what MTG said to Lauren Boebert:

"I've donated to you, I've defended you. But you've been nothing but a little bitch to me. And you copied my articles of impeachment after I asked you to cosponsor them.”

And here’s what MTG said about you:

“She is mentally unstable and a documented liar.”

You don’t need to be Inspector Clouseau to figure out that Marjorie Taylor Greene is jealous of you!  MTG doesn’t get to ride around on the TRUMP plane!  MTG doesn’t get to go to his debates and his rallies!  

MTG was hoping to be a TRUMP Girl but there was one problem. She’s 50 years old!  That’s heading into Melania territory!

Another qualification for being a TRUMP Girl is you have to be loyal!  He loved it when you said:

“I’m happy to dedicate all my time to helping Trump, because if Trump doesn't get back in, I don't have anything."

He also liked it when you said that Springfield, Ohio is populated by "20,000 cannibalistic Haitians.”

He also liked it when you said, “I’m not conceding because I'm a winner, the reality is our Republican party is broken to its core." 

That was when you lost the Florida 11th district primary to Republican Rep. Daniel Webster.  The fix was in!  How could you lose when you had endorsements from Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Paul Gosar, Roger Stone, and Michael Flynn?!

How could you lose when you described yourself as a being a “pro-white nationalist” and a “proud Islamaphobe”?!  

How could you lose after you did your patriotic duty by reporting that the Parkland school shootings were fake, that the Santa Fe shootings were staged by crisis actors, and the Las Vegas shooter was affiliated with ISIS?!

Now you’re running for Congress again, but this time you’re in the Big Show!  You’re a TRUMP Girl!  You just keep whispering those sweet nothings in his ear!  Those sexy little words he loves to hear about how Muslims are “savages,” and Islam is a “cancer,” and “if Kamala Harris wins, the White House will smell like curry & White House speeches will be facilitated via a call center.”  

No worry about the curry!  Ex-President TRUMP will win again (for the 3rd time) and the White House will smell like McDonalds with a bouquet of burning classified documents!  

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  And no worries if you lose your run for Congress again.  There will always be room for you in the White House.  Here’s what Don Jr. said:

"I'd love to see her as press secretary just to watch D.C. just explode.”

P.P.S.  That Don Jr. is such a genius judge of talent! He picked JD Vance for VP and he picked you for press secretary!  Who do you think he’ll pick for Secretary of Defense?  I’m betting on Steven Miller.

P.P.P.S.  When you’re in the White House, maybe you can add the smell of dog food.  That’s because you won’t want to give up on Pawsitive, that line of dog food you’ve been selling.  I saw you eating it in an advertisement.  Do you think you can get ex-President TRUMP to try it?  Its’s gotta be better for him than all those Big Macs!  

P.P.P.P.S.  Please send an autographed picture.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite TRUMP Girl.  He likes you even better than Stormy Daniels!