Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Attorney General John Ashcroft
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Dear Attorney General Ashcroft,

My head is spinning. I just can’t keep up with you guys.

You scared me half to death yesterday when you said the terrorists have completed “90% OF A PLAN TO ATTACK THIS SUMMER!” I was starting to chew my leg off, but then Tom Ridge calmed me down when he said the “talks about the possibility of attacks were...not unlike what we’ve seen for the past several years.” Whew! I took a deep breath.

My blood pressure had almost gotten back to normal, when I heard you say, “AL QAEDA IS ALMOST READY TO HIT THE U.S. HARD!” My blood pressure skyrocketed. I flipped the channel fast, and there was Tom Ridge, saying in a soothing voice:

“There's not a consensus within the administration that we need to raise the threat level. Right now, there's no need to put the entire country on a national alert."

I flipped back to FOX: “THERE IS CLEARLY A STEADY DRUMBEAT OF INFORMATION THAT THEY ARE GOING TO ATTACK AND HIT US HARD!” Then to CNN: Tom Ridge called the intelligence, “Generic.”

Who am I supposed to believe?! Either you guys are playing “Good Cop, Bad Cop,” or you’ve got a Powell-Cheney-type feud going on. Which is it? Are you and Tom Ridge still speaking to each other?

Then you showed us some mugshots of seven terrorists who present a “clear and present danger” because you’ve been looking for them since before 9/11 and you still haven’t found them but they might be in the U.S. or maybe they’re in Canada, or maybe they’re in Algeria but they really hate the U.S. a whole lot. They had names like Aafia Siddiqui and Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani and Fazul Abdullah Mohammed and Adnan El Shukrijumah and Adam Yahiye Gadahn. It’s a good thing Our President didn’t have to read those names. We’d still be at the press conference.

Anyway, I was picking up my daughter at the airport last night. Something’s in the works. My wife is bringing the whole family in--she says they have something they want to talk to me about. But when I was at the airport, lots of travellers were really nervous. They were swivelling their heads around and eyeing people suspiciously. I heard a lady in line whisper, “I think that’s Adnan El Shukrijumah.” And her husband cupped his hand over his mouth and said, “No, no--he’s much thinner than the picture. That must be Fazul Abdullah Mohammed.”

Just then, at Gate 27, I heard wild screaming! “THAT’S HIM! THAT’S HIM! AAFIA SIDDIQUI! AAFIA SIDDIQUI! ARREST THAT MAN!”

And faster than you can say, “Level Orange,” fourteen officers with batons and pepper spray and pistols and submachine guns stampeded through the crowd toward a young Arab-looking man and I saw his face for a second and his eyes were bulging and his mouth was wide open and then he disappeared under a crushing wave of uniforms. And I thought, “He must be guilty--otherwise why would he be acting so scared?”

Later that night, I heard on the news that after “harsh interrogation techniques” designed to “soften up” the suspect, they discovered that Aafia Siddiqui is a female suspect, so they had to let the guy go.

But I think it’s working. I guess this is what you mean by “alerting the public” to have a “higher level of vigilance.” We have to stay on our toes! Just tell us what you want, and we’ll do our part! Also, I know this isn’t a heightened terror alert--it was yellow yesterday, and last time I checked my terrorometer, it was still on yellow. But whenever you guys ask us to have a “higher level of vigilance,” Our President’s poll numbers go up. So even if we don’t catch any terrorists, I think this was good timing. Our President needed a spike.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada