Governor Ron DeSantis                                                            

State of Florida                                                                          

The Capitol                                                                                  

400 S. Monroe St.                                                            

Tallahassee, FL 32399-0001

Dear Governor DeSantis,

I’ve had just about enough of all your radical left “woke” policies!  When are you finally going to get tough on the foreigners and commies and perverts that are trying to destroy this great country of ours?

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, I’m doing the best I can.  I’ve banned 170 books including Charlotte’s Web, the Hobbit, and a biography of Roberto Clemente.  In Tallahassee, we got a school principal fired for allowing 6th graders to be shown a picture of Michelangelo’s David.  I passed the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ in schools bill, and now I’m trying to pass a ‘Don’t Say Periods’ bill.  I’ve taken control of Disneyland and sent Mickey Mouse into gay conversion therapy.”

And I say to you, sir, with all due respect: Did you see the jewels on the Michelangelo porn?  It’s time for you to grow a pair of those!  It’s time for you to stand erect and come down hard on America’s enemies!  Put your finger in the dike!  

By now I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.  There are two books that are so offensive, so vile, such an affront to common decency and the American Way, they must be canceled immediately!  The very fabric of our nation is crumbling under the weight of these insidious publications! Until you take a stand, no man, woman, or child in this great land of ours will be safe!  And those two books are:

The Book of Bob by Paul Chasman                                  

Lakshmi and the River of Truth by Paul Chasman

In case you haven’t been paying attention, the Book of Bob is a blasphemous book about “God” who calls himself “Dad,” reveals himself to Bob and orders him to take dictation for a new book because “an artist needs to stretch.”  His followers call themselves “Carrier Pigeons,” and they  go around yelling, “Helluva Deal!”

In the very first chapter, we’re forced to read about a knock-down-drag-out brawl between a white man and a black man.  You’re probably saying, “Nothing wrong with that, Carl.  That’s just a couple of red-blooded Americans doing what Americans do.  Granted, they’re not shooting each other, but sometimes people can settle their differences without guns.”

And I say to you, sir, read on!  Because in Chapter 4, we find out that those two brawlers are actually married!  So  we’re being forced to read about a same-sex couple that’s interracial to boot!  Now do you think it’s okay that they’re not even carrying guns?!

But that’s not all.  In Chapter 5, we’re forced to read about Delbert Thorne, the Chosen Leader of the Free Nation. Delbert Thorne has a giant, permanent erection!  He got it when he took some new ED medication that worked better than intended, and as the book tells us, “The damn thing wouldn’t go down.”

You can see why The Book of Bob has to come off the shelves immediately!  Throughout the entire sacrilegious piece of trash, we’re forced to read “woke” quotes from Dad like:

“Give a man a fish and he will have a meal;                        

Teach a man to fish and he’ll deplete the ocean.”

But if you think that’s bad, wait till you’re forced to read Lakshmi and the River of Truth!  Move over Catcher in the Rye!  Move over Huckleberry Finn!  In the history of banned books, this one is the all-time worst!  It’s even more offensive than To Kill a Mockingbird!

For example, in Chapter 11, we’re forced to read about Lakshmi and her suitor Lance Lovesalot who does an elaborate mating dance that mimics what some birds do in the wild.  It culminates in a pornographic scene where certain words get filled in like in the old Mad Libs game.  Here’s a sample: 

“Lakshmi and Lance fell into the (noun) bathtub in a writhing tangle of (emotion) histrionics.  Lance breathlessly ripped off her (clothing item) glasses while Lakshmi (adverb) obsessively licked his (body part) nose.  

As you can see, The Book of Bob and Lakshmi and the River of Truth must be removed from the shelves immediately!  But don’t take my word for it.  I interviewed the author this morning and here’s what he said:

“Carl, will you please ask Governor DeSantis to ban my books?  My sales are lousy and I really need a boost!  To be honored with a book ban would be the best thing that could happen to me.  In fact, why don’t you ask him to do a public burning in front of city hall.  I’ll send him the books to burn.  I’ve got boxes and boxes of ‘em!”

So there you have it!  Do your duty, Governor DeSantis!  Ban the Book of Bob!  Ban Lakshmi and the River of Truth!  Better yet, burn ‘em!  It’ll be a win-win situation!  You can help a struggling author and boost your limp and flaccid poll numbers!  You’ll kill two birds with one AR-15! 

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Donald TRUMP is such a flip-flopper!  He can’t decide whether to call you “Ron DeSanctimonious,” or “Ron DeSanctous,” or “Meatball Ron.”  Which do you like the best?  I think just plain “Meatball” works. 

P.P.S.  If you’re going to run against TRUMP for president, you’re going to need to craft a cohesive, comprehensive, and intelligent debate strategy.  Start with a good nickname.  I like King Con.  You’re welcome.

P.P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite strongman governor.  He likes you even better than Lester Maddox!