Justice Clarence Thomas
Supreme Court of the United States
1 First Street, NE
Washington, DC 20543
Dear Justice Thomas,
You did it! In two historic days, you made two historic decisions affirming, once and for all, the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun!
But your work isn’t done. Biden just signed a bill that—get this—allows background checks on juveniles before they can buy an AR-15! This is outrageous! Can you imagine what an intrusion it will be on a woman’s privacy for the FBI to do a background check on her unborn fetus?
Do your job, Justice Thomas! Get big government off our backs! Stand up for women and the rights of the unborn! Remember: The only thing that can stop a bad fetus with a gun is a good fetus with a gun!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, look at how much my four colleagues and I (five if you count that radical lefty Roberts) have done already! In one fell swoop, we’ve protected the right of a fetus to live until it’s born, and we’ve protected the right of every American to have the means to kill them once they’re out of the womb!
“Besides,” you say, “I have bigger fish to fry. As you know, when I wrote my concurring opinion, I said this:
'In future cases, we should reconsider all of this Court’s substantive due process precedents, including Griswold, Lawrence, and Obergefell. Because any substantive due process decision is ‘demonstrably erroneous,’ we have a duty to ‘correct the error’ established in those precedents.’ ”
Hah! I bet you thought you could stump me with all that legal technobabble! But I happen to have a google machine, and when I looked up what you said, here’s what I found:
“Long Dong Silver.”
Whoops! That’s not Griswold, Lawrence, or Obergefell. That’s the movie Anita Hill said you recommended to her when she was working for you.
I googled some more, and the next thing I found was this:
“Who has put pubic hair on my coke can?”
Whoops again! That’s not what I was looking for either. That’s a question Anita Hill said you asked her when she was working for you.
I did an even deeper google dive and here’s what I found out:
Griswold protects the right of married couples to buy birth control. Lawrence prohibits states from criminalizing consensual sex. Obergefell establishes a national right to same-sex marriage.
It goes without saying that we should give states their Constitutional right to ban birth control, sex, and gay marriage! And it almost did go without saying! Until you, Justice Thomas, stood up and said what’s on the mind of every God-fearing American--which is this:
“I’m a don’t-rock-the-boat kind of judge.”
Whoops! My google machine is acting crazy! That was Justice Kavanaugh who said that to Susan Collins when he assured her the boat he wouldn't rock was Roe v. Wade. Susan Collins should have known he was just worried if he rocked the boat, his keg would fall overboard.
Anyway, you’re off to a good start but you haven’t gone far enough. If you’re serious about the Constitution, I can sum up the next big frontier in two and a half words:
Loving v. Virginia
As you might know, that’s the Supreme Court decision that said the state of Virginia didn’t have the right to outlaw interracial marriage. This is “demonstrably erroneous!” We must “correct the error established in those precedents!”
Virginia made an airtight case that their law wasn’t discriminatory because it applied equally to whites and blacks! Besides, what right did a court of nine white men have to impose their personal beliefs on our nation? There wasn’t a single person of color to weigh in on this decision. And furthermore…
Wait a minute!
I just remembered—you’re black and you’re married to a white woman. That means you…are in an interracial marriage. This is getting awkward. If we’re going to give back states’ rights to criminalize interracial marriage, we’re going to need to do some brainstorming. You’ve been married to Ginny for 35 years! I’d hate to see your marriage nullified. You could get in big trouble for having sex outside of marriage!
Let’s see…my google machine says you were married in Omaha, Nebraska. Uh oh, this could be trouble. But it gets worse. It says now you live in Virginia! Hoo boy! Maybe you and Ginny should move to California!
It gets even more complicated. As you might know, Ketanji Brown Jackson is going to be joining you on the court and guess what? She’s in an interracial marriage too! You have a lot in common! Maybe you can team up and pass a law banning interracial marriage but make an exception for Supreme Court Justices.
I’m sure she’ll agree!
P.S. Speaking of Ginni Thomas (your wife), have you talked with her about any of this? The reason I ask is, she recently said: “Clarence doesn’t discuss his work with me, and I don’t involve him in my work.”
It’s a good thing you don’t because you’ve been ruling on cases about the 2020 election even though Ginni (your wife) was texting Mark Meadows and John Eastman trying to Stop the Steal. You were the only dissenting vote in an 8-1 decision forcing President TRUMP to turn over records to the January 6 committee. I hate to be the one to break the news, but it’s possible that Ginni (your wife) was one of the organizers.
I shouldn’t be telling you this. Now that you know, I guess the only thing for you to do is recuse yourself from those cases. Sorry.
P.P.S. Please send me an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Supreme Court Justice. He likes you even better than Brett Kavanaugh!