Justice Samuel Alito
Supreme Court of the United States
1 First Street, NE
Washington, DC 20543
Dear Justice Alito,
I want to be the first to congratulate you on overturning the radical left agenda to take away our God-given right to keep our 14 year-old gals barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen!
I have a legal question: Where in the Constitution does it say that, if a 14 year-old gal gets raped by her uncle, it has to happen in the kitchen? It could happen in the bedroom. Or the garage. It could even happen in the uncle’s office if, say, he was a judge who got tired of raping the Constitution so he decided to rape his 14 year-old niece instead.
My point is, if that 14 year-old gets pregnant, what right does she have to take the precious life of a fetus that God and her uncle gave her when she doesn’t even have the right to drive or to vote?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, that 14 year-old girl has lots of rights. After she drops out of school to take care of God’s and her uncle’s baby, she has the right to get her GED. In some states, she even has the right to get food stamps. Or carry a gun.”
And I say to you, Mr. Fancy Pants Constitutional Scholar: That’s all fine and good. But with all due respect, you’re not thinking this through. There’s a bigger threat to America than abortion, and I’ll tell you what it is by asking this technical question:
Where in the Constitution does it say witch burning is illegal?
I read my Constitution every night right before I read my Bible and, for the life of me, I can’t find one mention of witch burning in the Constitution!
This isn’t just an abstract legal theory, Justice Alito! There are witches among us as we speak! Do you know that just down the street from me, there live two gals? Together?
It’s true! Get this—they say they’re married! To each other! But that’s not all! They have a child living with them! I asked one of the gals how it could be that two gals could have a child. It doesn’t make any sense. She told me she had the baby when she was 14 years old. The father was her uncle.
The other gal looks like a man! She has a butch haircut and a tattoo on one muscle-bound bicep with a picture of a gal holding up her fist. The other arm has a tattoo that says, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”
This is witchcraft! It’s up to you, Justice Alito! You say you’re a Strict Constitutionalist—well, prove it! Make up a law so we can burn witches in at least 24 states!
Speaking of burning witches, I think all Americans would be wise to read your opinion where you cited the legal authority, Matthew Hale! If everybody knew Hale like you do, they’d understand why you called him “great” and “eminent.” They would understand your sound legal reasoning when you said:
“Hale wrote that if a physician gave a woman ‘with child’ a ‘potion’ to cause an abortion, and the woman died, it was ‘murder’ because the potion was given ‘unlawfully to destroy her child within her.’”
They’d also see that the Lord Chief Justice Hale of 1670s England was on solid legal footing when he sentenced witches to death.
Speaking of being a Strict Constitutionalist, as you said, our Founding Fathers never once mentioned the right to abortion in the Constitution. They also never said women could vote! They also never once mentioned AK-47s!
They also said slaves equaled 3/5 of a person. It’s time we took our Founding Fathers literally!
I take my Constitution literally, just like the Bible! Speaking of the Bible and slaves, I bet you’re wondering which part of the Bible I like to read after I read the Constitution at night. Here’s my favorite passage:
“When a slave-owner strikes a male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies immediately, the owner shall be punished. But if the slave survives a day or two, there is no punishment; for the slave is the owner’s property.” -Exodus 21:20-21
This is a Christian nation! Yet, I bet if a slave-owner killed his slave with a rod today, he’d be convicted in all 50 states! Even Alabama and Mississippi!
Justice Alito, do your job! Stand up for the Constitution, the Bible, and Matthew Hale! Defend the right of slave-owners to kill their slaves with a rod! Ban abortion! IUDs too! Bring back witch burning!
Or if the radical lefties don’t believe in witches, maybe we can at least stone a few harlots.
P.S. Speaking of “barefoot in the kitchen,” remember when the Chinese used to foot bind their gals? That was an attractive look. Maybe the Supreme Court should take up foot binding in the next session.
P.P.S. Remember when you called out Obama at his State of the Union speech? You interrupted him when he said:
"With all due deference to the separation of powers, reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections."
You shook your head like you were trying to get rid of a nasty fantasy about Matthew Hale and his 14 year-old niece, and you said, “Not true!”
P.P.P.S. I have another Constitutional question: When you ruled that corporations are people, how do you think they identify? he/him? she/her? they/them? dark/money?
P.P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Supreme Court Justice. He likes you even better than Clarence Thomas!