Governor Greg Abbott
Office of the Texas Governor
P.O. Box 12428
Austin, Texas 78711
Dear Governor Abbott,
I bet you think this is going to be another one of those letters from the 88% of this country who think we need common sense gun laws.
I bet you think I’m going to say that when the U.S. has 120 guns per 100 citizens and the next closest countries have less than half of that—and those countries are Yemen, Serbia, and Montenegro—I bet you think I’m going to go on a rant about how sick this country is.
I bet you think I’m going to be another whiny little socialist who says just because we have more school shootings, more mass murders, and more gun suicides than any country in the history of this planet that we should maybe ool-it-cay ith-way a-thay uns-gay.
Whoops! I said “gay.” Sorry for saying a bad word. Be sure not to let any kids see this letter! You don’t want to have to explain what “gay” means. Whoops! I said “gay” again! Sorry! Just tell any kids who see this that “gay” means happy. It’s true! Look at how happy all the gay people in Texas are!
Whoops! I said it again!
But I’m not writing this to talk about happy gay people. I’m writing to cut through the noise coming from the radical left and tell you what a terrific governor you are! The test of a leader is how he responds to crisis. And you, Governor Abbott, are a true leader!
When those 19 kids and 2 teachers were murdered at Uvalde elementary school, you showed us the same steady hand that we saw when 23 shoppers were killed at the El Paso Walmart! You led Texas through this tragedy just like you did when 10 kids were murdered at Santa Fe High School and when 26 churchgoers were killed in Sutherland Springs! After the latest shooting, you showed the trademark courage we’ve come to expect from you and proved, once and for all, what a strong leader you are! Here’s the bold move you made after the sixth mass murder on your watch:
You called for the formation of a legislative committee!
Governor Abbott, you are a giant among men! But did you stop there? Of course not! You went on to study the problem from every angle. You dissected the subject with the precision of a surgeon! You disassembled the gun violence issue and put it back together like an 18 year-old cleaning his AR-15! And here’s what you concluded:
"Anybody who shoots somebody else has a mental health challenge. Period. We as a government need to find a way to target that mental health challenge and to do something about it."
Congratulations, Governor! Problem solved! Guns don’t kill people. Psychopaths who are out on the streets because somebody gutted their state’s mental health budget kill people!
Question: What governor cut 211 million dollars from his state’s mental health budget, has an A+ rating from the NRA—which gave him $20,000 last year—and passed a law allowing citizens to carry a gun without a permit?
Answer: The same governor who passed a law to “harden” our schools, giving teachers more access to guns. The same governor who tweeted this:
“I’m EMBARRASSED: Texas #2 in nation for new gun purchases, behind CALIFORNIA. Let’s pick up the pace Texans. @NRA.”
Don’t worry, Governor. California has passed tyrannical radical left gun laws that require background checks and keep guns out of the hands of criminals and the mentally ill. And guess what? Their gun homicides are way down. So hang in there! Texas will pass California in gun sales faster than you can say, “It could have been worse.”
By the way, that was what you said after you studied the problem of 19 children being massacred at Uvalde elementary school:
“It could have been worse.”
But the main reason I’m writing is to tell you not to listen to all those people who are screaming that you’re the most vile and shameful piece of dog poop on the planet! I believe you’re the greatest governor Texas has ever seen! And coming from me, that’s saying a lot! As you know, I love George W. Bush more than life itself. You might remember that before he became the greatest president since Herbert Hoover, he was the Greatest Texas Governor of All-Time! Until you came along.
You’re the world champion governor and I can prove it. I’ve devised a scientific scoring system pitting you against W, and I think you will see, when I show you the data, that you’re the best. (Sorry, I know you hate science and data, but sometimes you can make facts work in your favor.).
I’ve broken down my scoring system to 4 categories: Capital Punishment, Abortion, Gun Rights, and Human Rights. Let the games begin!
At first glance, it looks like W has the edge on you. In his 5 years as governor, he sent 152 prisoners to their death. Your record of 55 executions in 8 years seems more modest. But maybe Bush killed so many criminals, there weren’t any left for you to kill. Besides,152 prisoners executed…50 prisoners executed…what’s the difference? Every life is sacred. Right?
I’ll give this one to W. Score: Bush 1, Abbott 0
Speaking of every life being sacred, that brings us to our next category:
Here’s where you clean up. When George W. Bush was governor, he claimed to be against abortion, but he caved to the radical left when he said this:
“Laws are changed as minds are persuaded.”
But you, Governor Abbott, knew that the only minds that needed to be persuaded were Alito, Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Barrett, and Texas Right to Life PAC! Bush talked a good game but you are a man of action! You passed a landmark bill outlawing abortion after just 6 weeks!
Score 1 point for your staunch support of the coat hanger industry.
Add a bonus point for no exceptions for rape or incest.
Deduct 1 point for making an exception if the mother’s life is in danger.
Add 2 bonus points for the genius provision that empowers private citizens to sue abortion providers or anyone who enables them. Call out the posse! Organize a well-armed militia of lawyers and super-PACS! Citizens vs. citizens! It worked for Stalin, it’ll work for you too!
Score: Abbott 3, Bush 1
Speaking of well-armed militias, let’s move on to:
I’ve already talked about your common sense approach to gun rights which includes allowing anybody to carry a gun without a permit, arming teachers, doing away with red flag laws, supporting the sale of semi-automatic weapons to anybody over 18, and saying, “It could have been worse.” So let’s talk about your opponent:
When George W. Bush was Texas governor, he had what can only be called a left-wing pinko socialist agenda! Get this: He passed a law declaring schools “weapon-free zones!” He passed laws making it illegal for juveniles to carry guns and toughened penalties for selling guns to kids! He signed a bill holding parents accountable for making their weapons accessible to their kids! He increased the age for possession of a handgun from 18 to 21!
In the 5 years Bush was governor, there were 29 school shootings resulting in 57 injuries and 40 fatalities. You could beat that record on a Monday! Some people think that all the school shootings on your watch are a bad thing, but on the other hand, it shows that you’re protecting Texans’ God-given 2nd Amendment right to pack as many AR-15s as will fit in their warehouse! I give this one to you, Governor Abbott.
Score: Abbott 4, Bush 1
We have now arrived at our final category:
No contest! You signed a directive ordering Texas Department of Family and Protective Services to investigate and prosecute parents who allow their children to medically transition their gender. 1 point
You signed a bill prohibiting teachers from talking to their students about race and racism in our country. Slavery ended more than 150 years ago! Get over it! 1 point
You promised to make a “Don’t Say Gay” bill your top priority in the next legislative session. No more “gay” talk in schools! When Johnny’s two fathers come to school on Parents’ Day, one of them will have to put on a dress and a wig and pretend he’s his mom. Oh wait! That’s cross-dressing. Or is it trans? I get confused—they never explained it in my school. Oh well, you’ll figure it out. 1 point
You passed a bill banning overnight early voting hours and drive-thru voting, limiting vote by mail, allowing partisan poll watchers to troll polling places, and criminal penalties for voter assistance, insuring free and fair elections for certain zip codes. 1 point
What can I say about Governor Bush? We have to hand it to him for derailing a hate crime bill because it included protections based on sexual orientation. He supported Texas’ anti-sodomy laws which he called a “symbolic gesture toward traditional values.” He banned gay couples from becoming foster parents. 1 point for Team Bush
But besides that—bupkis! He even said he was “an opponent of discrimination of any sort.” How can we call him a true conservative when he discriminates against discrimination? Deduct 1 point.
But it gets worse. In 1997, Bush signed a bill giving ex-cons (the ones he didn’t send to the electric chair) the right to vote once they completed their sentences. Can you imagine? Deduct another point
Oh, never mind! I can’t do this anymore—it pains me too much! You know how much I love George W. Bush! I believe if President Bush hadn’t ignored the CIA warning that said, “Bin Laden determined to attack the U.S.,” if he hadn’t gotten us into two unwinnable wars, if it weren’t for “extraordinary rendition” and “enhanced interrogation techniques” and Abu Ghraib and Gitmo, if he hadn’t turned climate policy over to Exxon Mobil, if he hadn’t crashed the economy, he could have been the greatest president of all-time!
So what’s the score? I don’t even know—I can’t count that high. All I know is you win. By a lot. George W. Bush is back at his ranch, sitting in his bathtub, painting pictures of his toes. While you, Governor Abbott, are on the job, keeping America safe from trans people invading our bathrooms, protecting us from people registering to vote, insuring our Constitutional right to deny women, people of color, and gays their constitutional rights, and restoring the mental health of this country by insuring the right of every man, woman, and child to pack an AK-47!
Carry on, Governor Abbot, carry on!
P.S. Do you think that, one day, when you’ve retired, you’ll be sitting in your bathtub, painting pictures of your toes?
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Texas governor. He likes you even better than Rick Perry!