Saturday, September 10, 2005
Vice President Dick Cheney
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. Vice President,
What a relief!
Ive been so worried that Hurricane Katrina was a disaster, and New Orleans was destroyed, and thousands of people are dead and homeless, and nobodys in charge, and My President is down to 38% approval in the polls!
So I cant tell you how relieved I was when you blew into town twelve days later to straighten the whole mess out!
The posse has arrived! I shouted.
Unfortunately, I wasnt the only one who shouted something. You were holding a press conference, and you were saying, I was telling the governor . . . and just then, somebody in the crowd shouted:
GO F*** YOURSELF, MR. CHENEY!
And I thought, Why did they let that guy into New Orleans without signing a loyalty oath?
But you didnt blink! You went on, talking and making boxes with your hands, just like My President does. You said, Weve got to figure out what to do with all the debris . . . But there was the heckler again, a little fainter this time:
Go f*** yourself, Mr. Cheney!
You acted like a seasoned pro whos used to having people tell him to go f*** himself. But a reporter asked, Do you hear that a lot? and you said No, thats the first time . . .
Actually, it was the second time. And I heard him say it a third time, too--way off in the distance:
Go f*** yourself, Mr. Cheney!
I have two questions:
Question 1: Was that heckler Senator Patrick Leahy?
The reason I ask is, remember when Patrick Leahy was asking you questions about why you let Halliburton get all those no-bid contracts in Iraq? Do you remember what you told Senator Leahy? Heres what you said:
Go f*** yourself.
I was just wondering if Senator Leahy was getting back at you for saying that to him.
Question 2: Senator Leahys voice got fainter and fainter each time he told you to go f*** yourself. Where is Senator Leahy now? Is he being held indefinitely in a stress position in Guantanamo? When do you think youll let him out?
Bonus Question: Have you gained weight?
The reason I ask is, at the press conference in New Orleans where Patrick Leahy told you to go f*** yourself, you looked like youve been packing away more Big Macs than Bill Clinton after a cleansing fast!
Has My President seen you lately? You know what a stickler He is for His staff staying in shape! Keep the body lean and the mind will follow! is His motto!
I dont think My President would be happy to see how much weight youve gained. Maybe you should start riding bikes with him and working some of it off. But be sure to wear a helmet and stay out of His way. He crashes a lot. Who knows why? Maybe Hes not looking where Hes going.
Anyway, I was glad you went to New Orleans and explained to the governor, Weve got to figure out what to do with the debris.
Now were getting somewhere!
Also, even though thousands of people were stuck in the Superdome with no food, water, or sanitation for six days, I was relieved to see that you havent been going hungry!
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada