Mr. Kenneth W. Starr, Patriot
The Lanier Law Firm
126 East 56th Street, 6th Floor
New York, NY 10022
Dear Mr. Starr,
Great news! I heard you just got hired to defend Emperor TRUMP in the “witch hunt” impeachment trial. I just want to be the first to say: “Welcome aboard!”
You don’t need me to tell you Our President is in trouble! Just because he abused power, obstructed justice, and committed treason isn’t any reason the Democrat party should defend the Constitution! It’s not like he did something really terrible like get a blow job from an intern!
As far as we know, Emperor TRUMP has never gotten a blow job from an intern! He only got a blow job from a porn star. And we don’t even know if she gave Him a blow job, because he paid her to keep quiet! We do know she spanked Him with a rolled up Forbes magazine with his picture on the cover, but that’s so two years ago!
I’m embarrassed to be talking about all these smutty details, but if there’s anybody I can speak with frankly about these sensitive matters, it’s you! Remember when you were hired to investigate President Clinton for his shady dealings in the Whitewater real estate transaction? As special prosecutor, it was your job to unravel the complexities of that business shell game. Here was how you exposed (ahem) the ins and outs (ahem) of property investment law:
“Ms. Lewinsky and the President talked alone in the Chief of Staff's office. In the course of flirting with him, she raised her jacket in the back and showed him the straps of her thong underwear, which extended above her pants.”
Point by point, you unraveled the convoluted scheme:
“According to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President kissed. She unbuttoned her jacket; either she unhooked her bra or he lifted her bra up; and he touched her breasts with his hands and mouth.”
Crooked Hillary! The McDougals! You took them all down when you said this:
“While the President was on the telephone, according to Ms. Lewinsky, ‘he unzipped his pants and exposed himself,’ and she performed oral sex.”
You lifted up the dress of Whitewater and revealed the stain:
“He was chewing on a cigar. And then he had the cigar in his hand and he was kind of looking at the cigar in…sort of a naughty way. And so….”
Whew! Excuse me a minute! I have to catch my breath!
Where was I? Oh, right! Whitewater. Real estate. Only you, Kenneth Starr, could speak so clinically about complicated commercial transactions even when Ms. Lewinsky testified that...“he unbuttoned my dress and he unhooked my bra, and sort of took the dress off my shoulders and . . . moved the bra …He was looking at me and touching me and telling me how beautiful I was….
“He touched her breasts with his hands and his mouth, and touched her genitals, first through underwear and then directly….She performed oral sex on him…
“He put his hand down my pants and stimulated me manually in the genital area….”
Whoa! I’m sorry! I need to go take a cold shower!
Okay, I’m back. I feel better now. My point is, Mr. Starr, now we need you more than ever! We need the man who will not shy away from hard, hard, very hard truths and be able to say with dignity and statesmanship:
“The President inserted a cigar into Ms. Lewinsky's vagina, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: ‘It tastes good.’ ”
We need you, Kenneth Starr: Patriot! We need the man who protected our country from a president who was guilty of getting a blow job while being a Democrat!
We need the hero who, along with Alan Dershowitz, cut a deal so Jeffrey Epstein would only get 13 months of house arrest for soliciting and trafficking underage girls!
Speaking of Dershowitz, I hear he’s on board too. Dershowitz, Starr, Seculow! This is shaping up to be the greatest Dream Team since the OJ Simpson case! Dershowitz got OJ off—he can get Emperor TRUMP off too!
Whoops! I didn’t mean he “got him off” that way! Get your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Starr!
I just have one piece of advice and here it is: Watch out for Dershowitz! That guy’s never met a camera he didn’t like! You might think you can sway Congress with your smooth, understated legalese about “thongs” and “breasts” and “cigars,” but look out because Dershowitz will step all over your message by saying things like this:
“The defendant wants to hide the truth because he’s generally guilty. The defense attorney’s job is to make sure the jury doesn’t arrive at that truth.”
If Dershowitz starts hogging the camera, just pull out the old Whitewater playbook and remind Congress about the time he got a massage at Epstein’s mansion. Here’s what he said:
"What happened was I, um, he lent us, this was well before any of this thing came out, he lent us his house once. And I was there, my grandchildren were there, my daughter was there, and we all got massages."
And if Dershowitz keeps blabbing about himself like he always does, tell Congress he’s got a fetish for old Russians. Here are his very words:
“And, um, it was therapeutic. I had a therapeutic massage with an old old Russian.”
Therapeutic, indeed! While you’re reading these quotes on the Senate floor, keep an eye on Lindsey Graham. If he suddenly gets sweaty, puts on his trench coat and leaves the room quickly, you’ll know you’ve got ‘em where you want ‘em!
Keep America Great! Re-elect Emperor TRUMP for life! Or for the life of America—whichever comes first!
P.S. Now that you’re on the Dream Team, whenever you’re talking with Emperor TRUMP, make sure to laugh at all his jokes. He doesn’t like it when you don’t laugh at His jokes.
P.P.S. Make sure He was joking before you laugh. He doesn’t like it if you laugh when He wasn’t trying to be funny. The best procedure is to look around the room. If everybody else is laughing, then you can laugh too. If they’re not laughing, you shouldn’t either….
P.P.P.S. …unless Emperor TRUMP looks at you and laughs—then you can laugh. Just make sure He knows you’re laughing with Him, not at Him. He doesn’t like it when you laugh at Him.
P.P.P.P.S. Did you ever get a massage from an “old old Russian” at Jeffrey Epstein’s mansion?
P.P.P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo of yourself. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Emperor TRUMP lawyer. He likes you even better than Rudy Giuliani!