President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
My wife Viola and I are planning a vacation in Miami. We’re thinking of staying at your Doral Golf Course and wondering which room you’d recommend?
I looked online, and your rooms start at $152 for bed and breakfast for two, and they go all the way up to $7365 for the Presidential Suite.
I see that Miami Best Western has rooms with a king bed and ocean view for $133 per night. Do you think you’d be willing to match their price?
One problem we’ll need to work around if we stay at TRUMP Doral is we’re hoping to stay there June 10-12 next year. But your website says there are no rooms available on those dates. Is it because that’s the time you’re hosting the G7 Summit? I don’t see how that would be a problem—there are only seven leaders and their wives. Eight if Putin takes you up on your invitation.
TRUMP Doral does have more than eight rooms, doesn’t it?
Don’t worry about Viola and me. We’ll be happy to stay in one of the cheap rooms, especially if you’re willing to match Best Western prices. I just hope Putin and Erdogan aren’t up partying late at night. The online reviews say the walls are thin, and Viola and I go to bed early these days.
I have a question:
Do you charge extra for insect repellent?
The reason I ask is another thing the online reviews point out is the hidden costs. Here’s what one customer said:
“good breakfast buffet, overpriced, we find out the service is offered by an independent company BL, not happy with the person in charged, he spent 15 mins to explain us why we had to pay for my daughter breakfast even when I booked the room I paid for her (breakfast included ), I will no eat lunch there never, they brought me the check in advance, ridiculous”
Here’s another one:
“The additional taxes hiked the price up considerably and despite being advertised as including breakfast, we were charged for our children on both nights. Once you added the tips, this became a very expensive stay.”
"The room wasn’t clean at all, the bed sheets had stains, the bathroom had hair all over it, the front desk at the restaurant didn’t tell us that the breakfast wasn’t included in the room rate, as the booking listed that breakfast was “available” not included and when we had breakfast which wasn’t worth it, they told us that we had to pay, and when we told the waitress that the breakfast was included in the room rate she told us just sign and this is just the hotel procedure, and we asked for a shuttle and they never showed up! We had to walk all the way to the self parking to get our car!"
I think we’d better get this straight right up front: If Viola and I stay at the TRUMP Doral, we want you to pitch in for the insect repellent! The reason we want that negotiated in the deal is I hear you’ve had a little problem with bed bugs.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, that’s so 2017! I settled out of court with that guy who sued me because he left my $300-a-night villa with welts all over his body. It’s like my Doral lawyer said:
‘He conducted himself so carelessly and negligently that his conduct was the sole proximate cause or contributing cause.’ ”
Right. Which is why I don’t want to be careless and negligent, and I demand that you throw in a can of bug spray when I check into your hotel!
Another online review said this:
“Food could be better and better toilet paper would be a plus..”
Now, Viola and I aren’t picky, but I’m just saying--the last Best Western we stayed at had really soft toilet paper!
The important thing is, you don’t want to make Putin and Erdogan mad. You know how they get! When you’re stocking their villa, you might give Best Western a call and ask what kind of toilet paper they use.
Besides the bed bug problem, I hope you’ll do something about the cockroaches. Also the flies. In 2015, the Doral kitchen was closed because health inspectors found “live, small flying insects” and “20-25 live roaches on the walls, baseboards and floors” near the food prep area, and “more than 40 small flies” near a coffee station.
Also, heads up, I like my cheese, pork, fish, and eggs to be refrigerated. The health inspectors said they were served at “more than 20 degrees too warm.”
Also, the bread, fruit, and yogurt buffet didn’t have “adequate sneeze guards or other proper protection from contamination.”
Also, in the “magnificent” bungalows where the G7+Putin will be staying, inspectors found raw burgers and raw squids together in a cooler, “not properly separated from one another.”
Also, they found “the accumulation of food debris and a mold-like substance inside an ice machine and a beer nozzle at a bar.”
If Nancy Pelosi keeps going with this “witch hunt,” there’s only one thing to do: Invite her for an All-Expenses-Paid-Vacation at the TRUMP Doral! Take her on a tour of the kitchen! All the free cheese, pork, fish, eggs, burgers, and squid she can eat!
Give her everything she wants! Except bug spray!
And at night, when she settles into her nice, comfy, luxurious, TRUMP Doral bed, she’ll have so many things on her mind, she’ll forget about impeachment faster than you can say, “Emoluments clause!”
Emoluments, shemoluments! Even the President of the United States has to make a living! I just think that…. What’s this?
Trump Reverses Course and Says Doral Resort Won't Be Used For G7 Summit!
This is great news! Now you’ll have some openings on June 10-12! And—big bonus: Viola and I won’t have to worry about Putin and Erdogan laughing and popping champagne and celebrating all night!
This seals it! Sign us up for two nights in the $152 bed and breakfast for two! We’ll even bring our own bug spray!
P.S. Now that you’re not going to hold the G7+Putin Summit at the TRUMP Doral, where do you think it will be? Maybe you can find a hotel that’s still standing on the Syria/Turkey border. I hear there are a lot of vacancies there.
P.P.S. Remember that strip-club sponsored golf tournament that was scheduled at the TRUMP Doral but got cancelled because a bunch of left-wing socialists thought it was a bad idea to have a bunch of strippers putting on a “very tasteful burlesque show” and getting paid by a bunch of golfers to be their “caddy girls” in order to raise money for an underprivileged children’s charity? I wonder if there will be any events like that when Viola and I stay there? She says she’s not interested, but even though I’ve never been golfing, it’s never too late to learn.
P.P.P.S. When you host Erdogan at the White House in November, please ask him for an autographed picture. Have him make it out to my grandson, Lester. Erdogan is Lester’s second favorite strongman dictator.
P.P.P.P.S. You’re probably wondering who is Lester’s favorite. No, it’s not you. You’re #3. And who is Lester’s favorite strongman dictator? Hint: What did Nancy Pelosi say when she stood up and pointed her finger at you before she walked out of the meeting?*
* “All roads lead to Putin.”