President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC. 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Now we’ve got ‘em right where we want ‘em!
Nancy Pelosi thinks she’s a master of three-dimensional chess, but she had no idea what she was getting into when she went up against Donald J. TRUMP:
World Champion of Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey!
I am in awe of your brilliant strategy, sir! “Nancy” (that’s what you call her: “Nancy”) was so stubborn! No matter what you tried to do to make her impeach you, she just wouldn’t “play ball.”
(By the way, that’s what you said you wanted President Zelensky of Ukraine to do when you asked him to investigate Biden: “Play ball.”)
Back to Nancy: You obstructed the Mueller investigation, told your aides to stonewall, lie, and destroy evidence—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
You had 34 senior advisers, Russian spies, and hackers indicted and/or convicted in connection to your campaign, including your campaign chairman and your National Security Advisor—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
You were named an unindicted co-conspirator for directing your attorney to pay hush money to a porn star and a Playboy bunny, for which said attorney now sits in jail—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
You divulged classified information to hostile foreign officials—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
You used your position as president to promote your TRUMP hotels and resorts and rake in piles of cash from foreign leaders—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
At least 24 women have accused you of sexual misconduct, harassment, and/or assault—and still she wouldn’t “play ball!”
But I have to hand it to you, sir. You refused to take “NO” for an answer! You were nothing if not persistent! Let it be said:
Nancy Pelosi refused to impeach; nevertheless, President TRUMP persisted!
Mitch McConnell thinks Elizabeth Warren is persistent? She’s minor league! Persistent? If Elizabeth Warren is Scotch Tape, you’re Super Glue!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, why are you calling her ‘Elizabeth Warren’? Don’t you know I call her ‘Pocahontas?’ ”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, maybe you should ix-nay the ocahontas-Pay uff-stay. There might come a day when she’s lounging in the very bed you’re lounging in right now, eating vegan burgers, watching MSNBC, and tweeting about corporate greed at three in the morning, while you’re off somewhere wearing an orange jumpsuit and you would like her to do you a favor.
Back to “Nancy.” She’s persistent too. And no matter what you did, she refused to “play ball” and impeach you. So you did what any self-respecting boss would do: You made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.
How could Nancy resist? You dangled the bait like a bag of catnip in front of a kitten! The brilliance of your strategy was breathtaking! You carefully crafted a 3-prong plan that finally forced Nancy Pelosi “play ball” and impeach you. Here was your 3-prong plan:
Prong 1: Withdraw $400 million in military aid from a little country that borders Russia and is trying to defend itself from invasion.
Prong 2: Call up their newly elected President, and when he asks for some help, say this:
“I would like you to do us a favor, though.”
Prong 3: The favor you ask him to do us is to dig up dirt on Joe Biden and his son so you can get re-elected.
And then, the masterstroke! Let’s call it the Bonus Prong:
Stash all records of your phone conversation in the most top secret, classified files where they will never see the light of day until the White House is so buried under subpoenas, you won’t even be able to find your phone to call Giuliani!
And it worked! When Nancy got wind of your 3-prong plan, she started impeachment proceedings faster than you can say: “Using the power of his office to solicit interference from a foreign country in the 2020 election.”
There you have it! You gave Nancy enough rope to hang herself, and with one pull of the lever, she has fallen through the trap door and guaranteed that you will win the ultimate prize which is this:
THE HIGHEST DAMN TV RATINGS ANYBODY HAS EVER SEEN!!!
This is going to be ratings bonanza! Every eyeball in America is going to be glued to the tube from now until the day Pence calls the National Guard to haul you away!
Your ratings are going to make The Apprentice look like a Veg-O-Matic infomercial!
Put away that Sharpie! This time, you’re not going to need it to fill in the crowd size! Take that, Obama!
Now that you’ve finally reached your goal of getting impeached and getting the highest TV ratings of all-time, we still have a problem and I can sum it up in one word:
Have you seen how much Rudy’s on TV lately? That guy’s a loudmouthed lunatic of a camera hog!
Rudy’s got to go! There’s only room for one loudmouthed lunatic of a camera hog in this town!
Get out the popcorn! It’s going to be a great show!
P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Impeachment President. He thinks you’re a better Impeachment President than Nixon, Clinton, and Andrew Johnson combined!