President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC. 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
You want to buy Greenland???!!! With all due respect sir, I have just one question and here it is:
HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID???!!!
You were supposed to be the genius behind “The Art of the Deal!” You were supposed to be King Midas sitting on the bazillionth floor of TRUMP Tower looking down on your minions below, lording over all you survey! You were supposed to be the guy who thinks large!
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
I’m afraid to say this, but I think you’re losing your touch! Maybe you’ve been hanging around Tucker Carlson too long. Maybe you’re worried about what Stormy Daniels said about your private parts. Maybe you’re upset because Barron is taller than you now.
Who knows? All I know is you’re playing small ball, sir. You used to swing for the fences and now you’re trying to run out a bunt single.
No offense sir, but you running out a bunt single is like Chris Christie running a 4-minute mile. It ain’t gonna happen—even if there is a hamburger at the finish line!
You have The Deal of the Century sitting right in your lap and you want to buy Greenland???!!!
Do I have to spell it out for you?
1) What country has a rich, centuries-old history of kings, queens, and knights in shining armor?
2) What country has real live castles and moats and even a golf course with your name on it?
3) What low-hanging fruit of a country is in such turmoil and disarray that it can be bought right now at a bargain basement price?
4) What starts with “Br” and rhymes with “exit”?
OK—last hint: What European country is currently led by a TRUMP impersonator whose hair looks like yours when you’re yelling at the press while standing too close to the helicopter?
It’s so obvious! Buy the United Kingdom! The way things are going over there, they’ll pay you to take it!
Forget trying to buy Greenland from Denmark! You don’t want to do business with Prime Minister Frederiksen after she was so “nasty” to you! Here’s what Mette Frederiksen called your idea to buy Greenland from Denmark:
This is outrageous! This is even worse than when that nasty Rosie O’Donnell said:
“Donald TRUMP is not a self-made man. He’s a snake-oil salesman on Little House On The Prairie.”
That Rosie O’Donnell is such a liar! You were never on Little House On the Prairie!
Anyway, when Denmark’s Prime Minister Frederiksen said it was “absurd” that you wanted to buy Greenland, you had the perfect comeback. Here’s what you said:
“I thought that the prime minister's statement that it was absurd, that it was an absurd idea was nasty. I thought it was a very not nice way of saying something. But all they had to do is say, no, we’d rather not do that or we’d rather not talk about it. She’s not talking to me, she’s talking to the United States of America. They can’t say ‘how absurd,’ at least not under me.”
OK already! She was “nasty” and “not nice”! You already canceled your trip to Greenland so let it go! Take your marbles and go home! You’ve got bigger fish to fry! Which brings me back to the UK: Buy it while it’s hot before Kushner gets the idea!
Forget TRUMP Tower Moscow! It’s been nothing but a headache! But London—now there’s a place to hang your toupee! And just think of what you could do with that palace! Close your eyes and picture this:
Forget Greenland! Forget that nasty Prime Minister Frederiksen too! That lady’s impossible! But Boris Johnson—now there’s a guy you can do business with! You two have so much in common!
You both hate Africans. Boris said:
"It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies.”
“Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They’re shithole countries ... We should have more people from Norway.”
You both hate Muslims. Boris said:
"To any non-Muslim reader of the Koran, Islamophobia — fear of Islam — seems a natural reaction, and, indeed, exactly what that text is intended to provoke.”
“Great surveillance and vigilance must be adhered to. We want to be very fair but too many bad things are happening and the percentage of true hatred is too great. People that are looking to destroy our country must be reported and turned in by the good people who love our country and want America to be great again."
You both love women.
Boris loves women so much that when he was hosting the London Olympics, he said he liked watching the “magnificent, semi-naked women playing beach volleyball ... glistening like wet otters."
When you walked into the Miss Teen USA dressing room, you said:
"Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve seen it all before."
You both hate gays. Boris said:
"If gay marriage was OK - and I was uncertain on the issue - then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between three men, as well as two men, or indeed three men and a dog."
“I am pleased to announce I have chosen Mike Pence as my Vice Presidential running mate.”
By the way, you also both hate the European Union.
My point is, Boris is having a harder time getting out than he expected. The Brexit deadline is fast approaching. This is the perfect time to buy! Make Boris an offer he can’t refuse! Tell him you’ll buy the UK for $24 worth of beads and trinkets.
And if he acts now, you’ll throw in Alabama and Kentucky!
P.S. After you buy the UK, what’s next? I think you should buy Norway. I hear they’re the happiest country on the planet. Just think how happy they’ll be when they have a real American health care system!
P.P.S. After you buy the United Kingdom, you should immediately turn around and sell it. Once the UK freezes over, it won’t even be worth the price of a TRUMP steak!
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite real estate tycoon. He likes you even better than Jared Kushner.