Wayne LaPierre, Chief Executive
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
As you know, I write lots of letters of advice and constructive criticism to the famous, the infamous, and the current administration. But today the teacher becomes the pupil. I’m writing to ask your advice.
I’m looking to buy a new Ermenegildo Zegna suit. Which one do you think is better: The Beluga 15milmil15 Torino or the Gray ACHILLFARM with the macro checked pattern?
The Beluga 15milmil15 costs a bit more at $3895 but it sure is classy with its notched lapels, welt chest pocket, and flat-front silhouette.
The ACHILLFARM is a steal at $2995 but I’m not convinced. The ad says it has “two-button fastening.” Two buttons?! You’d think for that kind of money they could at least give you three buttons!
I know, I know! You’re saying, “But Carl! You can’t skimp on quality! Do what I would do! Buy them both!”
And I say to you, Mr. LaPierre, that’s why you’re the leader of the biggest gun lobby in the universe and I’m just a neighborhood grocer. You think large! And with your large thinking you know that if you buy the Beluga 15milmil15 Torino and the Gray ACHILLFARM with the macro checked pattern, that still leaves you with about $267,000 to play with at the Ermenegildo Zegna boutique!
Of course, you didn’t spend $274,000 on Ermenegildo Zegna ensembles all at once. It took you eleven years. But you did go on a bit of a binge in September 2015 when you spent $39,000 in one shot at the Ermenegildo Zegna boutique.
I hope they at least threw in a $220 bottle of Mediterranean Neroli cologne!
Maybe they were having a sale.
Maybe you were feeling a bit depressed because since 1968 there have been more Americans killed by guns than in all our wars combined. This is outrageous! I have a 3-prong solution to this problem and here it is:
Prong 1: We need more “good guys with guns” to stop the “bad guys with guns.”
Prong 2: Buy another Ermenegildo Zegna suit.
Prong 3: Start another war.
Back to the boutique: No wonder you spent all that money on that day in September 2015! You had to look your best when you were making that NRA video warning that the “elites” were trying to disarm us!
I have another question: Did your wife Susan throw your Ermenegildo Zegna suits in the dryer? The reason I ask is the instructions specifically say, “Mild clean dry. Do not tumble dry.”
No wonder you have to buy so many suits! Your wife keeps ruining them in the dryer!
Speaking of your wife Susan, I’ve gotta say she looks great! I wonder if you could give me the name and number of the Nashville hair and make-up artists who she flew around the country so she could look like a country music star when she was out defending the rights of Nazis to own AK-47s. Susan had to stop using those Nashville stylists because they were, how do I say it—making her look bad?
But now that they’re available I’d like to fly them out to my neck of the woods, put them up in a 4-star hotel, and let them give my wife Viola a makeover. We’ve been married a long time and if they can turn Viola into Carrie Underwood, I think that would be just the spice our marriage needs!
Or at least Reba McEntire.
By the way, is that 6.5 million dollar mansion the NRA was going to buy for you still available? Viola and I are in the market. I guess you had to pass on that house because nine bathrooms weren’t enough.
But Viola’s and my needs are more modest than yours and I think we can get by. It’s usually just the two of us and our grandson, Lester. There have been a few times we came home when Lester was throwing a big party, but still… We’ve always tried to teach Lester moderation, and learning to get by with nine bathrooms will be a good lesson for him!
I’m a little worried about the “men’s closet” in the master bedroom. I heard you had problems because there wasn’t enough room for your wardrobe. Maybe I can get them to knock the price down to 6.2.
I have another question: Were you wearing your Ermenegildo Zegna suit when you called President TRUMP after the latest massacres to warn him to lay off the gun control? If you weren’t doing FaceTime he wouldn’t be able to see you, so maybe you were just lounging around in your $650 Ermenegildo Zegna cotton T-shirt.
You told President TRUMP that if he passed a red flag law, his base wouldn’t be happy. Right again, Mr. LaPierre! If President TRUMP takes away the guns of every American citizen who is bat-shit crazy, his base will not only be unhappy; they’ll be disarmed!
We can’t let this happen! The “elites” want to have a gun buy-back. I think we should have a gun giveaway! Double down! Go to every white school, church, and synagogue in the country (no mosques!) and hand out a free AK-47 to every man, woman, and child!
And—with every AK-47, throw in a free Ermenegildo Zegna T-shirt! Just think of the PR! Send the message to Americans that you will give them the $650 shirt off your back!
P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite gun lover. He likes you even better than Adam Lanza.*
P.P.S. Lester says he likes you better than Dylann Roof too.**
P.P.P.S. Lester wants me to tell you he even likes you better than Patrick Wood Crusius.***
*Google: “Sandy Hook.”
***Google: “El Paso.”