President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC. 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Did you watch the debate last night? I just have one word of advice and here it is:
STAY AWAY FROM THAT LADY!!! DO NOT, I REPEAT—DO NOT GET ON A DEBATE STAGE WITH HER!!!
Did you see what Kamala did to Uncle Joe? She ripped into him like a Weyerhaeuser chain saw taking down a 3000 year-old sequoia!
She tore Joe apart like a mama lion who caught him giving her cubs a shoulder massage!
She chewed him up and spit him out faster than you can say: “Anita Hill!”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I’m no Joe Biden. I am Donald: King of the Deplorables!
I am the Captain of Chaos! The Sultan of Slander! The Commander-in-Chump!”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, this time you can’t go around yelling, “Lock her up!” Kamala was a ruthless prosecutor! She’s the one who does the locking up!
Remember when you trolled Hillary at the debate? Remember when you lumbered behind her looking like the Frankenstein monster who was about to “grab her by the pussy”?
You can’t do that with Kamala! I don’t want to say what she’ll do to you, but let’s just say you’ll be singing soprano in the Rikers Island choir faster than you can say, “John Wayne Bobbitt!”
Speaking of the debate, did you and Putin watch it together? I bet you guys had a great time. That guy is such a jokester! One warning about Putin though: When you guys are sitting around laughing and belching and farting and watching the debates, make sure to let him go first on the popcorn.
The reason I say that is when you were at the G20 Summit, a reporter asked you if you would tell Putin not to meddle in our elections. Here’s what you said:
“Yes, of course I will.”
Then you chuckled and said this to Putin:
“Don’t meddle in the elections.”
Putin got a good laugh out of that. Then you pointed at a Russian official and said it again:
“Don’t meddle in the elections.”
By then, you and Putin were yocking it up like a couple of teenagers on helium. Then you turned to some American journalists and said:
“Get rid of them. Fake news is a great term, isn't it? You don’t have this problem in Russia, but we do.”
HAAAH! You and Putin were almost doubled over laughing! Putin’s sides were splitting! Tears were falling down his face! He was laughing so hard, he forgot to speak in Russian! Here’s what he said in plain English:
“We also have. It’s the same.”
Maybe you should make Giuliani taste your Diet Coke before you drink it.
After you and Putin watched the debate together, did you two watch the women’s World Cup soccer match? It was a great game! USA beat France in the semi-finals 2-1. And guess who scored both of America’s goals?
Remember her? She’s the one who said: “I’m not going to the f***ing White House.”
This is outrageous! People are so sloppy now! Back in my day, we spoke with accuracy and precision. Here’s what Megan Rapinoe should have said:
“I’m not going to the raping White House.”
Doesn’t Megan Rapinoe know the difference between f***ing and raping?
If she would bother to visit you, maybe you could explain it to her. But it sounds like she’s made up her mind, so here’s what you should say:
“It’s okay if she doesn’t want to come to my raping White House. She’s not my type.”
Back to Kamala: Don’t get on the debate stage with that woman! Take the high road! Tell whoever is your acting press secretary to put out this statement:
“The presidential debates are no longer a platform for an honest exchange of ideas that provoke critical thinking. Instead, they have devolved into a mudslinging blood sport in which the candidate who garners the most attention through crass insults, bellicose hyperbole, and outrageous lies is declared the winner. I refuse to reduce such critical issues such as climate change, health care, nuclear annihilation, and children in concentration camps to sixty second sound bites. Therefore, I will not stoop to engaging Senator Harris in such a tasteless and meaningless spectacle. Instead, I challenge her to a Twitter war! 140 characters or less…..
…..I get 280! Let the games BEGIN!”
P.S. Do you think you’ll invite Putin over to watch the Mueller hearings? You guys could get some great laughs out of that!
P.P.S. Tell him to bring some videos in case it gets boring. I know how much you like to watch yourself on videos!
P.P.P.S. Please send me a picture of you and Putin together. Make sure you both autograph it. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite ventriloquist duo. He likes you even better than Howdy Doody and Buffalo Bob!