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Friday, June 14, 2019

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

1236 Longworth H.O.B.

Washington, DC 20515

 

Dear Speaker Pelosi,

Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Carl Estrada. I am a proud American and a proud Republican, not necessarily in that order.  I used to write lots of letters of advice and constructive criticism to George W. Bush, and if I do say so myself, I think I helped him become the greatest president since Richard Nixon!  

Now I advise President TRUMP.  I admit he and I have had a few differences.  He hasn’t even built his wall yet!  But just like Lindsey Graham, I want to help him succeed, and you have to admit, he’s kept his campaign promise to take American back to the 1950s!

The reason I’m writing to you is this:  I believe we should compliment people when they do the right thing, even if they are the enemy.  And you, Speaker Pelosi, are the leader of the Democrat party, which makes you the enemy.  But you are doing the right thing and I applaud you for that!  Here’s the thing you’re doing right, and I can sum it up in two words:

DO NOT IMPEACH! 

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, ‘DO NOT IMPEACH’ is three words.

And I say to you, Madame Speaker, I did that to trick you into saying those three words again.  It’s called “subliminal messaging.”

Subliminal messaging is when it looks like you’re saying one thing but lurking under the surface, there’s a hidden message that’s so sneaky, so camouflaged, that no one can detect it, even with a magnifying glass. Like when President TRUMP said:

“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails.”

Or when he said:

"If somebody called from a country, Norway, and said 'We have information on your opponent' — Oh, I think I'd want to hear it…It's not an interference…I don't think in my whole life I've ever called the FBI In my whole life…Give me a break — life doesn't work that way."

What do most people think when they hear him make those statements?  

They think:  

TRUMP is a criminal.  He's a mob boss. He's a traitor who should be arrested for treason.  

They think:

If Putin told TRUMP to bend over, he’d say, “I would, sir, except my pants will rip.”  

They think:

TRUMP is an orange buffoon who’s dumber than a bag of yo-yos.

But not you, Speaker Pelosi!  Only you see right through the president’s ploy!  Only you, the smartest, most savvy political operative in Washington, can plumb the depths below the surface of our president’s colon cleansing and detect his subliminal message which is this:

DO NOT IMPEACH!

It’s like you said:

“We have a president ignoring the law, not honoring his oath of office.  The president gave us once again evidence that he does not know right from wrong. There was an assault on our democracy.”

And when the president doesn’t honor his oath of office and assaults our democracy, there’s only one thing to do:

Ask John Dean to come and testify.  

Here’s what else you said:

"It's a very sad thing that he does not know right from wrong.  It's so against any sense of decency."

So sad.  So indecent.  Better issue another subpoena.  

The Mueller Report detailed more than ten times TRUMP probably obstructed justice.  The Southern District of New York named him an unindicted co-conspirator for paying hush money to a porn star.  There are at least 22 foreign governments that have spent money at TRUMP properties.  He’s refusing to honor subpoenas and he’s blocking all witnesses from testifying.  The takeaway is so obvious:

Ask our President nicely if Don McGahn can testify.  

Of course, he’ll say no.  Then, when you’re handing the president TRUMP a subpoena, you can fool him into taking it by saying it’s an anonymous donation to the TRUMP Organization.  When he takes it and turns 50 shades of orange because he realizes he’s holding a subpoena, distract him with flattery.  Our president loves to be flattered.  Point to the subpoena he’s holding and say, “My!  What large hands you have!”   

If TRUMP still refuses, wag your finger at him and threaten to hold Bill Barr in contempt. 

If that still doesn’t work, take him to court!  Then, by the year 2050, your case will make it to the Supreme Court and justice will be served!  I have a question:

Do you think Ruth Bader Ginsburg can hold out that long?

I doubt it.  She’ll be 117 years old by then and Emperor TRUMP will have replaced her with Steve Bannon.

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, in 2050, Emperor TRUMP will be 104!  

And I say to you, Madame Speaker, what’s your point?  That guy has so many preservatives in him from all those Hostess Twinkies and 3 Musketeers and KFC, he’ll live forever!

By the way, 2050 is also the year we’ll have lowered our carbon emissions by 5%.  

2050 is also the year that all the billionaires will be buying coastal property in Indiana.

But on behalf of Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Devon Nunes, and all my fellow Republicans, I  want to give you two thumbs up!  You are following the same exact strategy as we would if Hillary were president.  And that strategy is:

DO NOT IMPEACH!

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, if Hillary were president, you guys would have impeached her for wearing the wrong color pants suit!”

Impeached?!  I say to you, Madame Master Strategist, don’t be so naive!  If Hillary had been elected, she wouldn’t have had time to be impeached!  She wouldn’t have made it through her oath of office on Inauguration Day!  We would have slapped the cuffs on her raised right hand and whisked her away to an unidentified location faster than you can say, “Guantanamo Bay!”

Remember:  Politics ain’t beanbag!  Unless you’re a Democrat.

DO NOT IMPEACH!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  Now that you’re not going to impeach, you’re his favorite House Speaker of all time!  He likes you even better than Tom DeLay!

 

 
 
 
 
 


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