Coverup-General William Pelham Barr
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
Dear Coverup-General Barr,
Did you notice I called you “Coverup-General?” That’s what William Safire, former speechwriter for Richard Nixon and NY Times columnist called you in 1992: “The Coverup-General.”
When I saw that, I thought, “Bill Safire must have been psychic! How did he know, way back then, that you’d be serving our country so heroically by making sure our president doesn’t get frog marched out of the White House in handcuffs and locked up for treason?”
But it turns out Safire wasn’t psychic at all. He was just reporting on this NY Times headline:
THE PARDONS; BUSH PARDONS 6 IN IRAN AFFAIR, ABORTING A WEINBERGER TRIAL; PROSECUTOR ASSAILS 'COVER-UP'
The Bush they were talking about was President George H. W. Bush. Remember him? He was the first president to appoint you as the Coverup-General. He’s also the guy who coined the phrase, “Thousand Points of Light.” Here’s what candidate TRUMP said about George H. W. Bush’s “Thousand Points of Light”:
"Thousand Points of Light. What the hell was that by the way? Make America great again, we understand. Putting America first, we understand. Thousand Points of Light, I never quite got that one."
Nobody got it. The only points of light we see anymore are when Kim Jong-Un tests another missile.
But that’s okay. For some reason, TRUMP and the Bushes never seemed to be able to get along. Here’s what George Bush Jr. said after President TRUMP’s inauguration speech:
“That was some weird shit.”
Back to the six men Bush Sr. pardoned: They were Elliott Abrams, Robert McFarlane, Duane Clarridge, Alan Fliers, Clair George, and Caspar Weinberger.
Elliott Abrams was convicted of withholding evidence about Iran-Contra from Congress. After Bush Sr. pardoned him, he became one of the masterminds of George Bush Jr.’s Iraq war. Now he’s our Special Representative for Venezuela.
What could go wrong?
Caspar Weinberger was scheduled to go on trial for lying to Congress about arms sales to Iran and secretly funneling the proceeds to the Nicaraguan rebels. His private notes had references to Bush’s secret involvement in the plan. Here’s what George H. W. Bush called Caspar Weinberger:
“A true American patriot.”
The prosecutor who accused them all of a cover-up was Lawrence Walsh. He said he had “evidence of a conspiracy among the highest ranking Reagan Administration officials to lie to Congress and the American public.” He also said that Weinberger hiding his notes may have “forestalled impeachment proceedings against President Reagan” and formed a pattern of “deception and obstruction.”
Answer the following questions:
1) Who was the brains behind the Iran-Contra pardons?
2) Who said this: “There were some people arguing just for [a pardon for] Weinberger, and I said, ‘No, in for a penny, in for a pound.’ I went over and told the President I thought he should not only pardon Caspar Weinberger, but while he was at it, he should pardon about five others.”
3) Who refused to hire a special counsel to investigate the George H. W. Bush administration funneling billions of dollars and military technology to Iraq to help Saddam Hussein fight his war against Iran?
4) Who said this: “The evidence is now that the president was falsely accused of colluding with the Russians and accused of being treasonous. ...Two years of his administration have been dominated by allegations that have now been proven false.”
A. Attorney General William P. Barr, circa 1992
B. The Coverup-General
C. The Patsy General*
D. Attorney General William P. Barr, circa 2019
Answers: 1A, 2B, 3C*, 4D
*That’s the other nickname William Safire gave you: “The Patsy General.”
Who says history doesn’t repeat itself? Nixon came back! Jesus came back! And now Bill Barr is back too!
And not a moment too soon! Our president has hit a rough patch. Even Lindsey Graham said so. Here’s what Lindsey Graham said at your Senate hearing this week:
“Trump is a fucking idiot.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, Graham was just quoting a text message from FBI agent, Peter Strzok.”
Okay, I stand corrected. But here’s the next thing Lindsey Graham said:
“Sorry to the kids out there.”
What’s wrong with that guy?! He’s been hanging out with TRUMP for two years now! He’s been golfing with him, and schmoozing with him, and stroking him harder than Stormy Daniels!
Sorry to the kids out there.
My point is, with all this golfing and schmoozing and TRUMP stroking, Lindsey Graham never learned the most basic lesson, which is this:
Never apologize for anything!
But no! Right out of the gate, he’s apologizing to “the kids out there.” I suppose the next thing you know, he’s going to apologize for saying this:
"You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell."
Or for calling TRUMP a “race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot.”
Or for saying this:
“I went from, ‘O.K., he’s president’ to ‘How can I get to be in his orbit?’?”
Memo to Lindsey Graham: You want to know how to get to be in President TRUMP’s orbit? Ask Coverup-General Barr!
Speaking of history repeating itself, the most amazing thing happened at the Senate hearing! Remember when you were being questioned by Kamala Harris, and the conversation went like this:
HARRIS: “Has the president or anyone at the White House ever asked or suggested that you open an investigation of anyone?”
YOU: “Um…I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t…um…”
HARRIS: “Yes or no?”
YOU: “Could you repeat that question?”
HARRIS: “I will repeat it. Has the president or anyone at the White House ever asked or suggested that you open an investigation of anyone? Yes or no, please sir.”
YOU: “Um…the president or anybody else…”
HARRIS: “Seems like you’d remember something like that and be able to tell us.”
YOU: “But I’m trying to grapple with the word ‘suggest.’ I mean, there have been discussions of matters out there that…uh…they’ve not asked me to open an investigation but…”
HARRIS: “Have they suggested?”
YOU: “I don’t know. I wouldn’t say suggest…”
YOU: “I don’t know.”
HARRIS: “Inferred?…You don’t know… Okay.”
This is amazing! Do you believe in parallel universes? I used to think that only cranks believed in that stuff! But now I’m a true believer! That’s because your conversation with Kamala Harris was almost exactly the same conversation my wife Viola had with my grandson Lester last week when he was sneaking in the window drunk at 3:00 in the morning! Here’s how it went:
VIOLA: Have any of your friends or anyone else ever suggested you sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to get drunk?
LESTER: Um…I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t…um…
VIOLA: Yes or no?
LESTER: Could you repeat that question?
VIOLA: I will repeat it. Have any of your friends or anyone else ever suggested you sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to get drunk? Yes or no?
LESTER: Um…friends or anyone else…
VIOLA: Seems like you’d remember something like that and be able to tell us.
LESTER: But I’m trying to grapple with the word “suggest.” I mean, there have been discussions of matters out there that…uh…they’ve not asked me to open a six-pack but…
VIOLA: Have they suggested?
LESTER: I don’t know. I wouldn’t say suggest…
LESTER: I don’t know.
VIOLA: Inferred? …You don’t know. Okay.
At that point, I jumped in. “Viola,” I said. “Don’t you think you’re being too hard on the boy? We already litigated this last week when he got pulled over for drunk driving. He said it very clearly at the time: ‘Officer, I say with absolute certainty, I did not shoot heroine! NO TRANSFUSION!’ ”
This didn’t go over well with Viola. You know how women get when you try to reason with them.
Viola’s like Kamala Harris. When she’s mad, she crosses her arms and gets real focused.
“Are you suggesting,” she said, “that we simply let your drunken grandson off the hook?”
Then it was my turn to say, “Um…I’m grappling with the word ‘suggest.’ And what exactly do you mean by ‘hook?’ ”
I hope I can finish this letter. I’m writing it from the basement where I’ve been staying ever since the night Lester snuck in drunk through the window. We don’t get great internet service down here.
But I just have one word of advice before I go, and here it is:
DON’T LET MUELLER TESTIFY!
That guy is so greedy! He’s already put away Manafort, Flynn, Cohen, Papadopoulos, and a bazillion Russians! But is that enough? No! Now he writes a letter saying:
"The summary letter the Department sent to Congress and released to the public late in the afternoon of March 24 did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance of this Office's work and conclusions.”
And guess who “the Department” is: It’s YOU! Mueller lives for scalps and he won’t stop till he pins the Big Orange Scalp on his wall!
You can’t let this happen! If Mueller gets the Big Orange Scalp, they’ll take it in for DNA testing and who knows what it’s really made of?!
Mueller must be stopped! If he testifies before Congress, there’s no telling what that blabbermouth might say! If Kamala Harris asks him, “Sir, are you suggesting that the president obstructed justice?” Here’s what he might say:
He won’t even grapple with the word “suggest!”
This cannot stand! Do your job, Mr. Coverup-General! Lock him up! Just say he was leading a coup to overthrow the government. And while you’re at it, lock up his fellow co-conspirators: Pelosi, Nadler, and Schiff! It’s like you said:
“In for a penny, in for a pound.”
P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Coverup-General. He likes you even better than John Mitchell!