President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to congratulate you on your latest milestone!
The Fake News Washington Post says you’ve told 10,000 whoppers since you’ve been president! That’s 23 a day! You serve up more whoppers than Burger King delivers to the White House when you’re binge watching reruns of your inauguration!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I don’t even eat Burger King Whoppers. Everybody knows I eat Big Macs.”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, you just did a “tell.” A “tell” is when you accidentally tip people off when you’re serving up a whopper. Here’s the tell:
As soon as you say that, we all know what’s coming next: A big, honkin’, greasy, triple-decker Whopper, smothered with onions, dripping with melted Velveeta cheese, and weighing so much it takes a forklift to dump it on your bed!
Here’s another tell:
Here’s another one:
“That I can tell you…”
My point is, everybody loves a kidder. It’s so refreshing to have a president with a sense of humor! Here’s a real knee-slapper you once told:
“Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.”
HA HA HA! That’s so rich! What a jokester you are, Mr. President! I know you were kidding because you said so in the Mueller Report. Here’s what you said in your written testimony:
“I made the statement quoted in Question II (d) in jest and sarcastically, as was apparent to any objective observer… I do not recall having any discussion about the substance of the statement in advance of the press conference. I do not recall being told during the campaign of any efforts by Russia to infiltrate or hack the computer systems or email accounts of Hillary Clinton or her campaign prior to them becoming the subject of media reporting and I have no recollection of any particular conversation in that regard.”
HO HO HO! Oh, please stop! You’re making my stomach hurt! That’s two “I do not recalls” and one “I have no recollection” in one answer!
HA HA HA! You’re killing me! And that’s after you told this one:
“I have one of the greatest memories of all time.”
HAAAH! Where do you come up with your material? If Robin Williams were alive, he’d be going, “Damn! That guy’s a comic genius!”
Speaking of the Mueller Report, when the Washington Post said you’ve told 10,000 whoppers, were they counting the Mueller Report? The reason I ask is there were 30 times in your written statement when you said, “I don’t know,” or “I don’t recall,” or “I have no recollection.”
That makes 10,030.
10,031 if you count the time you said, “I have nothing to hide.”
Here are a few of the things you “do not recall”:
“I do not recall being aware during the campaign of communications between Donald Trump, Jr., Paul Manafort, or Jared Kushner and any member or representative of the Agalarov family, Robert Goldstone, Natalia Veselnitskaya (whose name I was not familiar with), or anyone I understood to be a Russian official.”
“I do not remember whether I spoke or met with Donald Trump, Jr., Paul Manafort, or Jared Kushner on June 9, 2016. My desk calendar indicates I was scheduled to meet with Paul Manafort on the morning of June 9, but I do not recall if that meeting took place.”
“I do not recall being told during the campaign that Roger Stone or anyone associated with my campaign had discussions with any of the entities named in the question regarding the content or timing of release of hacked emails.”
“I do not recall having had any discussion during the campaign regarding a pardon or action to benefit Julian Assange.”
OOOH, I can’t take it! I’m rolling on the floor! You are truly the Entertainer-in-Chief!
And now you have a sidekick!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU, AMERICA’S NEWEST AND GREATEST COMEDY TEAM! STRAIGHT FROM THEIR AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCES AT TRUMP UNIVERSITY AND THE IRAN-CONTRA SCANDAL! PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER AND GIVE IT UP FOR, THE ONE, THE ONLY… COMEDY TEAM OF:
TRUMP AND BARR!
You guys are Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, and two of the Stooges rolled into one! And I think you know where I’m going with this. I have just one word of advice and here it is:
Watch out for that guy!
Can’t you see? Bill Barr’s trying to upstage you! Everybody knows that a comedy team needs a funny man and a straight man. Look at Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. Tommy and Dickie Smothers.
But does Bill Barr know his place? No! He’s stealing your lines and hogging the spotlight! Case in point:
“My goal will be to provide as much transparency as I can consistent with the law.”
Uh oh…heh heh…I’m trying not to laugh, but you’ve got to admit that was a good one. Here’s another one that sort of tickles my funny bone:
“There was no evidence of Trump campaign collusion with the Russian government’s hacking."
Hmhmhaha…Oh I’m so sorry. I’m really trying not to laugh, but that Barr—he’s such a master of comedic timing! Oh no! Here comes another zinger:
"After nearly two years of investigation, thousands of subpoenas and hundreds of warrants and witness interviews, the special counsel confirmed that the Russian government sponsored efforts to illegally interfere with the 2016 presidential election but did not find that the Trump campaign or other Americans colluded in those schemes."
HAAAAAH!!! Now THAT’S comedy!
Oh my! That guy’s hysterical! He’s as good as you! He’s so funny, he’s going to make you the straight man!
You’ve got to get rid of this guy!
And now, Barr is going rogue and forming his own comedy team! He was supposed to testify before the House Judiciary Committee on Thursday, but now maybe he won’t because Nadler is getting greedy and wants him to answer questions from committee lawyers too. Barr’s new sidekick, Kerri Kupec, who calls herself a “Justice Department spokeswoman,” said this:
“The attorney general agreed to appear before Congress. Therefore, members of Congress should be the ones doing the questioning. He remains happy to engage with members on their questions regarding the Mueller report.”
Hah! You’ve gotta admit—that lady’s got talent! Barr and Kupec could be the next Desi and Lucy!
Mr. President, with all due respect, this Barr guy is nothing but trouble! He’s hogging the spotlight and the next thing you know he’ll be pushing you out of the way faster than you pushed the Prime Minister of Montenegro at the Brussels NATO Summit!
No, there’s only one thing to do: Call up Scaramucci and tell him to fire Bill Barr!
P.S. Here’s another whopper you told yesterday:
“The baby is born. The mother meets with the doctor. They take care of the baby. They wrap the baby beautifully. And then the doctor and the mother determine whether or not they will execute the baby.”
Hmm. What a clown you are. That’s about as funny as the “very fine people on both sides” at a nazi rally.
P.P.S. I know that you comedians need to push the boundaries of good taste sometimes, but I think it’s important to know when you’ve gone too far. This week, you said this:
“I’m a young, vibrant man.”
Now THAT’S crossing the line!
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite comedian. He likes you even better than Andrew Dice Clay.