Congressman James Daniel “Jim” Jordan
Rayburn House Office Building
45 Independence Ave SW
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Congressman Jordan,
I want to be the first to say congratulations on your epic takedown of Michael Cohen in the House Oversight hearing! It was just like the old days when you were a college wrestling champion! Only now you’ve gone pro! You led your squad of 18 Republican Tag Team Soldiers to total annihilation at The Smackdown in Hack Town! The Fumble in the Rumble! The Whack-a-Mole in the Cap-i-tol!
You started with your trademark entrance: Suit coat cast aside! Tie askew! Strobe lights flashing! Music blaring!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LET’S GET READY TO RU-U-U-UM-BL-L-L-LE!!!!!
Okay, I made up the part about the strobes and the music and the RU-U-U-UM-BL-L-L-LE!!!!!. But still—where was your jacket? Did you lose it when you were sparring with Mark Meadows in the men’s room to get ready for the main event?
And boy, were you ready! The Dems can call Republicans stupid old, white, bigoted, Fox-News watching neanderthals all they want, but one thing they can’t say is that you didn’t have a strategy! You had an unbeatable strategy that would make General Eisenhower proud!
(General Eisenhower was the Supreme Commander who led the allies to victory in WWII. He later became the 34th President of the United States. As president, he was a strong supporter of NATO, he continued the New Deal, he expanded Social Security, sent army troops to Arkansas to enforce school integration, initiated the massive Interstate Highway System, and fought against overblown military spending. And guess what? He was a Republican! Go figure!)
Anyway, the Republican Tag Team Soldiers’ strategy would make Eisenhower say, “Damn! Those guys have a great strategy! Why didn’t I think of that?” Here was your strategy:
YELL AND CALL NAMES AS LOUD AND OFTEN AS YOU CAN!!!!
And from the opening bell, you stuck to your strategy like Magic Mist on President TRUMP’s hair! You dashed into the center of the ring and threw this haymaker at Chairman Elijah Cummings when you yelled this:
“MR. CHAIRMAN, HERE WE GO! HERE WE GO! YOUR FIRST BIG HEARING, YOUR FIRST ANNOUNCED WITNESS, MR. COHEN! I WANT EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM TO THINK ABOUT THIS: THE FIRST ANNOUNCED WITNESS FOR THE 116th CONGRESS IS A GUY WHO IS GOING TO PRISON IN TWO MONTHS FOR LYING TO CONGRESS!”
I have a question: Do you think you could beat Elijah Cummings in a wrestling match?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, Elijah Cummings is 68 years old and recovering from heart surgery.”
And I say to you sir, I know that. But I still think you could take him 2 out of 3.
Where was I? Oh, right! Michael Cohen is a liar. Also:
“A PATSY, A FRAUDSTER, A CHEAT, A CONVICTED FELON, AND IN TWO MONTHS, A FEDERAL INMATE!!!”
And to prove it, here’s what else you yelled:
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW IS THIS WITNESS CREDIBLE?! WITH ALL THE LIES AND DECEPTION, THE SELF-SERVING FRAUD, IT BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT IS THE MAJORITY PARTY DOING HERE?! NO ONE CAN SEE THIS GUY IS CREDIBLE! HE WILL SAY WHATEVER HE WANTS TO ACCOMPLISH HIS OWN PERSONAL GOALS! HE IS A FAKE WITNESS, AND HIS PRESENCE HERE IS A TRAVESTY!”
Well yelled, sir! I couldn’t have yelled it better myself! How are we supposed to trust a guy who was “The Fixer” for a crime family for ten years? How can we trust a guy who bribed a porn star to shut up about an affair she had with a presidential candidate who is identified as “Individual 1”?
By the way, who is “Individual 1”? Michael Cohen says it’s “Donald…J…TRUMP.” Which proves it can’t be him because Michael Cohen says it is.
Maybe it’s Bernie Sanders.
I have another question: Do you think Michael Cohen owns a pet chimpanzee?
The reason I ask is, that $35,000 check that President TRUMP wrote to Michael Cohen is obviously forged. It looks like Cohen gave a marking pen to his pet chimpanzee and said, “Let ‘er rip!” It’s the only thing that makes sense.
But fortunately, you didn’t have to yell alone. You had a really strong bench of Republican Tag Team Soldiers. And just when we thought you were going to burst a jugular, you tagged your teammate, Rep. Paul Gosar. Gosar yelled a really convincing argument that was so brilliantly yelled that it left the Democrats speechless with their jaws hanging open. Here is what Gosar yelled:
“LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!!”
And just in case the Republican Tag Team Soldiers hadn’t racked up enough points already, here comes Louisiana Rep. Clay Higgins for the knockout blow! Earlier, the fraudster Michael Cohen had introduced into evidence a whole pile of financial statements, hush money payments, and threatening letters that he claimed to have dug out of boxes, and which supposedly proved that his boss, “Individual 1” (whoever that is) is a conman and a criminal. Fortunately, we had Rep. Higgins to blow him out of the water:
Higgins: “WHERE ARE THOSE BOXES, GOOD SIR?! ARE THEY IN YOUR GARAGE?!”
Cohen: “They’re in storage.”
Higgins: “ARE THESE NOT BOXES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TURNED OVER TO INVESTIGATIVE AUTHORITIES DURING THE MANY CRIMINAL INVESTIGATIONS YOU’VE BEEN SUBJECT TO?!”
Cohen: “Sir, these are the boxes that were returned to me post the raid.”
My point is, you Republican Tag Team Soldiers crushed the Democrats with your two-pronged strategy of yelling and calling names! Just look what happened to poor Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. AOC is a rookie in the major leagues and it’s so obvious she’s in over her head! She had five minutes to be in the spotlight and she totally wasted it! She didn’t yell once! She never even called anybody any names!
That girl has a lot to learn. In five minutes, she asked eleven questions and she never even insulted anybody! She asked boring questions like this:
"So you would say the person who knows the whereabouts of these documents would be David Pecker?”
To which Cohen replied: "David Pecker, Barry Levine, or Dylan Howard."
What kind of question is THAT? And AOC didn’t learn from her mistakes. Later she asked this:
"Who else knows that the president did this?"
To which Cohen replied: "Allen Weisselberg, Ron Lieberman, and Matthew Calamari."
By the way, David Pecker is chairman of AMI; Barry Levine is the National Enquirer’s former executive editor; Dylan Howard is AMI’s vice president; Allen Weisselberg is the Trump Organization’s CFO; Ron Lieberman and Matthew Calamari are executives at the Trump Organization.
Elijah Cummings says he’s going to haul all of them in to testify.
You see? I bet if you wrestled Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, you’d take her in two straight falls! Just don’t ever get in any argument with her. She’s really smart! And you’re sort of… how do I say this nicely…
Don’t get me wrong. My wife Viola says there are seven different kinds of intelligence. If you count yelling and calling names, that makes eight.
You’ve got the eighth kind of intelligence! Stick with it, sir! It works for President TRUMP—it’ll work for you too!
P.S. Remember when Michael Cohen said this:
“I did the same thing that you’re doing now. For 10 years. I protected Mr. Trump for 10 years. The more people that follow Mr. Trump — as I did blindly — are going to suffer the same consequences that I’m suffering.”
I have a question: Do you think after 10 years of protecting Mr. TRUMP, you’ll get hauled before the House Oversight Committee and get yelled at and called a “fraudster”?
P.P.S. Probably not. Michael Cohen is a proven liar, so it can’t be true.
P.P.P.S. Please send a photo of yourself. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TRUMP soldier! He likes you even better than Lindsey Graham!