Dr. William “Will” Happer
Office of the Dean of the Faculty
9 Nassau Hall
Princeton, NJ 08544-5264
Dear Dr. Happer,
I want to be the first to say congratulations on your new job as head of President TRUMP’s Presidential Committee on Climate Security. It’s about time somebody stood up for those millions of persecuted particles of carbon emissions! Carbon has been getting such a bad rap in the fake news media lately! It’s time somebody set the record straight, and who better to do it than an expert in optically polarized atoms!
Here’s what you said in those poor, misunderstood carbon particles’ defense:
“The demonization of carbon dioxide is just like the demonization of the poor Jews under Hitler. Carbon dioxide is actually a benefit to the world -- and so were the Jews.”
Jews. Carbon dioxide. Sometimes things are so obvious, they’re staring you right in the face and you can’t even see them!
I’m no scientist, but let me see if I’ve got this right: Just like the Jews, those poor suffering carbon particles have been rounded up and trapped in a concentration camp called “Earth Atmosphere,” where, once they’re imprisoned, they get mixed in with other things like water vapor and methane to create a hideous death spiral called “Greenhouse Gas.”
But why am I telling you? You’re the scientist! You’re the one who said the effects of global warming “will be small compared the natural fluctuations in the earth’s temperature, and that the warming and increased CO2 will be good for mankind.”
But you and I know there are two sides to every story. That’s why President TRUMP wants to pick a “red team” and a “blue team” to fight it out. Here’s what Jim Lakely from the Heartland Institute said he wants the “red team” to do:
“…critically examine what has become alarmist dogma rather than a sober evaluation of climate science for many years."
And if you think there aren’t two sides to the story, just ask the Ambassador to Canada and President TRUMP’s next pick for UN Ambassador, Kelly Knight Craft. Here’s what she said about climate change:
“I believe there are scientists on both sides that are accurate. I think that both sides have their own results from their studies and I appreciate and I respect both sides of the science.”
You see? Don’t be so sure of yourself, Mr. Fancy Pants Princeton Professor! The science is unsettled! On one the blue team you’ve got 96% of climate scientists who say humans are destroying the planet with their damn carbon emissions. On the red team, you’ve got a Canadian ambassador who says everybody’s right!
AND—you’ve got an expert on optical polarized atoms who says carbon particles are Jewish!
On the blue team, you’ve got National Intelligence Director Dan Coats, who said this:
“Climate hazards such as extreme weather, higher temperatures, droughts, floods, wildfires, storms, sea level rise, soil degradation, and acidifying oceans are intensifying, threatening infrastructure, health, and water and food security.”
But on the red team, you’ve got Rep. John Shimkus (R-Illinois) who said this:
“Man will not destroy this Earth. The Earth will end only when God declares it’s time to be over.”
The arguments are so strong on both sides—it’s impossible for a simple neighborhood grocer like me to know what to believe!
On the blue team, you’ve got Rear Admiral David Titley, who was the chief operating officer at the National Oceanic Atmospheric Administration, who said this:
“I never thought I would live to see the day in the United States where our own White House is attacking the very science agencies that can help the president understand and manage the climate risks to security of today and tomorrow. Such attacks are un-American.”
But for the red team, you made this point:
“It’s true that babies born from women who smoke are smaller, but they are just as healthy as the babies born to women who do not smoke. Some women would prefer to have smaller babies.”
Whoops! Wrong quote. That was from the president of Philip Morris tobacco company in 1971. Here’s the point you made:
Carbon dioxide is a natural byproduct of breathing, and it’s “absolutely essential for life on Earth.”
How can anybody possibly know? On the blue team, you’ve got Camilo Mora, a geographer and environmental professor at the University of Hawaii, who said:
“When it comes down to climate change, we are talking about thousands of independent papers, from everywhere, finding exactly the same thing: that the climate is changing, that we are doing it and that most often than not, the impacts are pretty bad.”
But on the red team, you’ve got Steve Milloy, policy advisor for the Heartland Institute, and a big fan of yours, who said this:
“If you want to trigger climate bedwetters, tell them that CO2 cannot destroy the planet.”
The debate rages on!
P.S. Please send me an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite climate denier. He likes you even better than James Inhofe.