President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC. 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to say congratulations on your tremendous Super Bowl win yesterday! Did you notice I gave you credit for the Patriots’ tremendous victory? Here’s why:
You called them before the game and wished them luck. After you laid your larger-than-average hands on the Patriots, the Rams never had a chance!
Also, you’re close friends with the owner, the coach, AND the quarterback! Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady LOVE you! Now you’re guaranteed to have at least three people from a championship team visiting you at the White House this year. This will be even better than the Ohio State men’s volleyball team!
What do you think you’ll feed them? When the Clemson Tigers football team visited you, you treated them to Big Macs and fries. I see there’s a Panda Express takeout near you. I hear their Kung Pao Chicken is pretty good.
You’ve gotta admit—the Rams were horrible! 8 punts on their first 8 possessions! I’ll tell you one thing: If YOU were coaching the Rams, you NEVER would have punted! Real men don’t punt!
You could have had a 4th down and 20 to go on your own one yard line and you would have gone for it! Then, when your quarterback got thrown for a safety, you would have called it a touchdown! If the ref insisted on calling it a safety, here’s what you would have said:
And you’d have a point. Your guy made it to the end zone, right? Even the ref would have to admit it would be pretty stupid to try to go 99 yards for a touchdown when you have an end zone right there at your back!
There are two sides to every story! On one hand, you’ve got those elite refs from the establishment NFL who clearly have a biased agenda. Of course, they will insist that when your quarterback gets tackled in his own end zone, it’s a safety. 2 points for the other team. But some would say that it was a touchdown for your team.
And right about the time you’re deciding to go for it on 4th and 20, you’ll have maybe 30% of the crowd who think you’re going to punt, so they decide it’s time to go get a hot dog and a beer. When they come back stuffing their faces, you and Sean Hannity and Jeanine Pirro can tell them you scored a touchdown, and there you go! 6 points!
But the Super Bowl isn’t why I’m writing you today. We have bigger fish to watch! We have bigger spectacles to fry! I’m talking about YOUR Super Bowl. I’m talking about:
The State of the Union Address!
I’ll get right to the point, sir. This speech is fraught with peril! For one thing, you won’t have Paul Ryan to guard your back anymore.
Ryan used to sit in back of you during the State of the Union with that smile plastered on his face, looking like his wife just told him she was pregnant with their 14th baby.
Those were the salad days. Now we’re stuck with Nancy. That’s what you call her:
You also said she’s “rigid.” I don’t think she’s going to smile at all the right times like Paul Ryan did.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I’ll still have Pence in back of me. He smiles at all the right times.”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, you can’t see him because he’s in back of you. But when Pence is smiling in back of you, he looks like he’s eating a lemon while his wife is telling him she had a love child with Kanye West!
Here’s what I think will happen, and if you follow my advice, you might be able to avoid some of the traps Nancy sets for you. You will start out innocent enough:
“Members of Congress, Madame Speaker, Mr. Vice President, my fellow Americans, I am here to tell you the state of the union is tremendous. Tremendous. The state of the union is tremendous. It’s so tremendous, it’s tremendous.”
So far, so good. But at this point, the daggers Nancy is staring at you will already be boring into your back. Her thought bubble will say:
“I’d better review my check list one more time. Hand cuffs: check. Straight jacket: check. Notify Sergeant-at-Arms: check.”
Then you will continue:
“Since I became your tremendous president, the immigrant crisis is more tremendous than ever! We’re building a tremendous wall, and I have to declare an emergency so we can build the wall we already have and so desperately need to keep out the brown rapists and murderers! They’re tying up women with ropes and duct tape and bringing them across our borders and….”
Nancy’s thought bubble: “Duct tape! I knew I forgot something!” She’ll scribble a note which she hands to an aide who scurries out of the room.
“Our economy is tremendous! We have the most tremendous national debt in the history of this great nation! Wilbur Ross and Steve Mnuchin have reported the most tremendous tax break they’ve ever received.”
At this point, all the Republicans are on their feet cheering. Pence is smiling like he’s being introduced to his daughter’s lesbian girl friend. But the Dems are sitting on their hands. And Nancy is thinking:
“Right! Tax returns! Make note to subpoena his tax returns tomorrow.”
There have been reports that you plan to say this:
“Together we can break decades of political stalemate. We can bridge old divisions, heal old wounds, build new coalitions, forge new solutions and unlock the extraordinary promise of America’s future.”
Good idea! A call to unity! Follow it up with this:
“We must have unity! Tremendous unity! We must have tremendous unity! And we must have tremendous unity on building a wall! China built a wall. A tremendous wall, I might add. East Germany built a wall. Hitler built a wall around his bunker, and guess what? They never found him. Some say he committed suicide but how do we know?
“It’s like global waming. Some say global warming, some say global waming. Who’s right? You say nuclear, I say nukular. Warming, waming. Nuclear, nukular. Let’s call the whole thing off.”
At this point, Pence is nodding in agreement and smiling like he got stuck alone in an elevator with Rosie O’Donnell.
We’re so distracted by Pence that, unless we’re watching really closely, we’ll miss Nancy giving a slight nod to the Sergeant-at-Arms, who begins to approach the podium with straight jacket in hand.
And here’s the most important part of your speech. It’s the part that you must deliver with all the precision and clarity of Tom Brady calling an audible at the line of scrimmage. And like any audible, there are certain code words that will set the play in motion. Here’s what you should say, barking loudly the key words highlighted:
Like any good PATRIOT(!)…America must stand in UNITY(!)…to give me a big, beautiful WALL(!)… and with the money left over, we will chisel my face on MOUNT RUSHMORE!
On that cue, the entire New England Patriots defensive line will come barreling into Nancy’s House of Congress in full uniform, steamroll the Sergeant-at-Arms, flatten Corey Booker and any other Democrats who dare to get in their way, rush the podium, tackle Nancy, and haul her away to the Patriots training camp where they will hold her under house arrest until she agrees to pay for your wall!
Then you can finish your speech with a final thought, a thought that was highlighted in the Super Bowl; a thought that defines your presidency, your business, and your life. That thought is this:
“Real men don’t punt.”
P.S. Did you see the fake news report that said you spend 60% of your “Executive Time” watching Fox News? The report said since the midterms you’ve had 77 hours of scheduled meetings and 297 hours of “Executve Time.” To hear them tell it, you’d think all you do is wallow around all day in your bathrobe, stuffing your face with KFC, and watching Fox & Friends, Hannity, and Jeanine Pirro. This is outrageous! Don’t they know you watch Tucker Carlson too?
P.P.S. Also, you play a lot of golf. And you tweet a lot. No wonder you don’t have time to read your intelligence reports!
P.P.P.S. Good luck with your speech! It couldn’t be much worse than the Super Bowl. But at least it won’t be as long. We know that because you’re going to want to go home before you miss Hannity!