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Saturday, February 02, 2019

President Donald J. TRUMP

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington DC  20500

 

Dear President TRUMP,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written.  Things have been pretty hectic around here ever since the shutdown.  

It’s all because of my wife, Viola.  When you shut down the government and 800,000 federal workers stopped getting paid, they were lining up at food banks and getting evicted from their homes.  So Viola said, “Carl, we have to do something!”

I tried to calm her down. “Viola,” I said, “Stop being hysterical!  Those federal workers will be okay.  They should take Wilbur Ross’s advice.”  

Here’s what Wilbur Ross said they should do:

“Take out a loan.”

But Viola wouldn’t listen to reason!  She said it was our patriotic duty to stand up for our fellow Americans in their time of need.  And you’ll never guess what she did:

She opened our home to anybody who was hungry and needed a roof over their head!  Pretty soon our little house was cram packed with TSA workers, IRS workers, and Park Service staff.  We had husbands, wives, single mothers, children and babies—all sprawled out on sleeping bags on every inch of the floor, eating out of the big pot of stew that Viola kept cooking on the stove 24 hours a day.  

I have a question:

Are all 800,000 federal workers Democrats?  The reason I ask is, remember when you said you had “tremendous support among Republicans” for your shutdown?  Well, I did an informal survey of the people who were camping in our house, and guess what?  

Not one of them thought it was a good idea.  Here’s a sampling of the words Viola’s guests used to describe your shutdown over the wall:

“Stupid…ignorant…childish…racist…insane…orange buffoon…”

And those are the words I can say!  They used words I haven’t heard since the day you got elected!  That was the day Viola was using words I didn’t even know she knew! 

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, nobody is blaming me!  It’s like I told the federal workers when I reopened the government:

“You are fantastic people. You are incredible patriots. Many of you have suffered far greater than anyone but your families would know or understand. And not only did you not complain, but in many cases you encouraged me to keep going because you care so much about our country and about its border security.” 

Well, yes but… Remember when Nancy Pelosi said, “There is not going to be any wall money.  Period.”

Remember how red your face got when Nancy said that?  That’s how red your face would get if you heard what those government employees said about you.

Speaking of the Speaker of the House—did you notice I called her “Nancy”?  That’s what you call her: 

“Nancy.” 

I don’t know where you come up with all those clever nicknames!

But speaking of Nancy, I’m looking for a way to say this nicely, and I hope you won’t be offended.  Call it friendly advice.  Call it constructive criticism.  Sometimes there are things that even your best friends won’t tell you, and that’s when you learn who your real friends are!  (Do you hear me, Kellyanne?) I’ll be as diplomatic as I can.  I’ll say it gently and hope you’ll take it in the spirit it’s given.  But with all due respect, sir:

Nancy punked you!

NANCY ROLLED YOU LIKE A SKID ROW DRUNK!  NANCY PLAYED YOU LIKE SHE WAS IN A MARCHING BAND AND YOU WERE THE TUBA!  NANCY PICKED YOUR POCKET LIKE DAVID COPPERFIELD!  NANCY MADE YOU CAVE LIKE A BED WITH TOO MANY RUSSIAN HOOKERS ON IT!  NANCY SPANKED YOU LIKE SHE WAS STORMY DANIELS!

I have a question:

Did Nancy spank you with a Forbes magazine or did she use The Art of the Deal?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, SIR???!!!  Now you’ve got Ann Coulter saying you’re a bigger wimp than George H.W. Bush!  This is outrageous!  You’re not a bigger wimp than George H.W. Bush!  George H.W. Bush is dead!  What a loser!  I like people who aren’t dead!

Anyway, once Nancy punked you into reopening the government without a wall, I thought the federal workers would all go home and we’d get our lives back to normal again. But no!  Viola was on a roll!  The workers did go home, but now that she’d had a taste of turning our house into a sanctuary, she couldn’t stop!  She decided to take in a bunch of undocumented immigrants from South and Central America!  

Fortunately, that only lasted a week.  They’re all gone now.  They left for Florida because they heard there were a bunch of job openings at Mara Lago.

Now there’s only one thing left to do:  Declare a national emergency!  

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, global waming isn’t a national emergency!  Haven’t you seen how cold it is?”

Of course I agree, but who’s talking about “global waming?”  Stay on message!  We’re talking about the wall!  Besides, you can’t show me one single scientist who would claim that all these crazy weather events are caused by “global waming!”  It’s just like you tweeted:

“In the beautiful Midwest, windchill temperatures are reaching minus 60 degrees, the coldest ever recorded. In coming days, expected to get even colder. People can’t last outside even for minutes. What the hell is going on with Global Waming? Please come back fast, we need you!”

I have a question:  How do you make your phone not do spell-check?  Mine is so annoying!  No matter how many times I type in “global waming,” it tries to change it to “global warming.”

Of course, Viola keeps badgering me with fake news about “global waming”—how there’s a difference between climate and weather, and something about the Polar Vortex and how the Arctic is heating up twice as fast as the rest of the planet and releasing cold air over North America and blah, blah, blah….

“Global waming” is all too complicated!  Who am I supposed to believe?  A bunch of scientists who are on the take from the liberal media or somebody I can trust like Sean Hannity?  

No, give me a national emergency I can wrap my head around like a wall and brown murderers and rapists!  

BUILD A WALL!  OR STEEL SLATS!  OR A FENCE!  OR A PEACH!

BUILD A WALL!  OR STEEL SLATS!  OR A FENCE!  OR A PEACH!

BUILD A WALL!  OR STEEL SLATS!  OR A FENCE!  OR A PEACH!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Remember I told you that Viola hosted a bunch of undocumented immigrants at our house?  Well, guess what?  Not a single person got murdered or raped.  I guess when you’ve escaped from drug cartels and walked 2000 miles carrying niños on your back and you’ve been detained in cages by border patrol, you’re just too tired and hungry to rape or murder anybody.

P.P.S.  Could you please send me a photo of you and Putin together?  I don’t care which one—they all look the same.  Putin’s always looking at you with that thought bubble that says (translated from Russian), “I’ll punk you better than Pelosi.”

P.P.P.S.  Could you sign it and ask Putin to sign it too?  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You and Putin are his favorite Dynamic Duo.  He likes you even better than Tarzan and Jane.

P.P.P.P.S.  Tarzan is the one with no shirt.

 

 
 
 
 
 


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