President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I have a question:
Who’s you’re favorite folk singer?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, there are so many great folk singers to choose from!”
That’s so true! There was Pete Seeger who wrote the immortal words:
If I had a hammer
I’d hammer out a wall
Or I’d hammer out a barrier
All over this land.
And Dylan wrote so many great tunes like:
I pity the poor immigrant
Who wishes he would’ve stayed home
In his own shithole country
Behind walls of cement, steel, or stone.
Okay, I admit I updated those lyrics a little. But if Seeger or Dylan had written those songs today, who knows? Maybe that’s what they would have said.
Picking your favorite folk singer might seem like a tough choice. But that’s why we chose YOU to be president—to make the tough choices. It’s not as tough of a choice as you might think, and here’s why:
There’s only one folk singer who wrote a song about your dad. That’s right! In 1950, the one and only Woody Guthrie made up a song called, “Old Man Trump.” It went like this:
This land is my land
This land is their land
From Exxon Mobil
To the Chevron wasteland….
Whoops! Wrong Woody Guthrie song! I’m not sure I got the words quite right on that one either. But I know I have the right words to “Old Man Trump,” and here they are:
“I suppose that Old Man Trump knows just how much racial hate
He stirred up in that bloodpot of human hearts
When he drawed that color line
Here at his Beach Haven family project
Beach Haven ain't my home!
No, I just can't pay this rent!
My money's down the drain,
And my soul is badly bent!
Beach Haven is Trump’s Tower
Where no black folks come to roam,
No, no, Old Man Trump!
Old Beach Haven ain't my home!”
Catchy, isn’t it? Too bad Woody Guthrie isn’t around today. I bet he would have written a great song about you too!
But even though Woody Guthrie wrote a song about your dad and not about you, don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean your dad was better than you, just different. Your dad was a multi-bazillion dollar real estate developer who got sued for racial discrimination, was investigated by Congress for profiteering from public contracts, and was arrested for marching with the Ku Klux Klan.
That’s a tall order for any son to live up to! But you’ve climbed on the old man’s shoulders and reached new heights! You stand taller than TRUMP Tower Moscow!
Just think: In only two years, you’ve become President of the United States, said that some Nazis were “good people,” separated over 2600 migrant children from their families, and set the All-Time Longest Record for a Government Shutdown!
Your dad would be so proud! I have another question:
What’s next? The reason I ask is, you’ve already made America so great again, how can you possibly top yourself?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I’ve threatened to declare a national emergency so I could build my wall or barrier or fence! Won’t that make America more great again?”
And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, that’s your problem: You’re thinking too small! If you want to stay president for the next two years, you’re going to have to start thinking large! And here’s the large idea you should be thinking:
Declare a NATIONAL EMERGENCY due to Robert Mueller!
RED ALERT! FBI investigates whether TRUMP was secretly working on behalf of Russia!
RED ALERT! TRUMP went to “extraordinary lengths” to conceal details of his meetings with Putin, including confiscating notes from his interpreters!
RED ALERT! Michael Cohen to testify before House Judiciary Committee on February 7!
Forget about the wall at the border! The wall you need to build is around the White House! And it had better be stronger than cement or steel! It had better be higher than 30 feet! We need a moat with alligators and piranhas! And if Mueller gets past that, we’ll need a few lions and tigers roaming the grounds!
And if Mueller can get by them, get Chris Christie to block the front door!
My point is, ROBERT MUELLER IS YOUR NATIONAL EMERGENCY! Declare it now! And if Congress won’t allocate the funds, just take the money out of school lunches!
Who would notice? Now that you’ve rolled back the Obama-era standards, the kids can go back to eating their hot dogs and fries, and you can pocket the extra change to pay for your White House wall, moat, alligators, piranhas, lions, tigers, and Chris Christie!
Maybe Dylan will write a song about it. He’ll call it “Don’t Think, It’s All Right.”
P.S. I see your approval rating has dipped to 37% and your disapproval rating has ticked up to 57%. Stop worrying! Once you declare a national emergency due to Robert Mueller, you can lock up the Jim Acostas and Rachel Maddows of the world, shut down CNN and MSNBC, and watch your numbers skyrocket into the 90s! You’ll be in Putin territory!
P.P.S. Speaking of Mueller, I know you thought if you shut down the government, Mueller would have to stop working. But guess what? He’s still at it! What’s the point of a government shutdown if Mueller is still working?! That guy is more relentless than a former FBI chief who’s trying to take down a crime family that’s in cahoots with Russia and has infiltrated the White House!
P.P.P.S. Speaking of Putin, what was he thinking in those pictures of you and him where he looks like a spider who just caught a big dumb fly in his web? You know which pictures I’m talking about. All of them.