President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas! And I really am the first because you said you’re “all alone” in the White House. Poor you!
Well, guess what? I’m all alone in my house too. Poor me.
Remember I told you my wife Viola went north to visit her sister? Well, she’s still up in Seattle and she might be there for a while. She says she wants to stay and watch the impeachment with her sister.
If you get lonely, I’m just a phone call away. Come on over! We’ll watch some football. I’ll buy us a bucket of KFC and all the Diet Coke you can drink! We’ll just be a couple of old bachelors, sitting around belching and farting and telling lies!
You’ll feel right at home!
And you’re welcome to unload your troubles on me. I’m a really good listener! Just like you! I like to hear a broad range of opinions. I listen to Fox and Friends AND Hannity!
I’ll listen while you tell me all about how you want a border wall, and how you want it NOW, and if you don’t get it RIGHT NOW you’re going to cross your arms over your chest and hold your breath till you turn a dull purple.
That’s what my google machine says happens when you mix blue with orange. Here’s what it says:
“Mix a dark blue with a very reddish orange and get a dull purple.”
I have a question: When you cross your arms over your chest and hold your breath till you turn a dull purple, do you think you’ll change to a purple hair dye too? You could start a punk band. You could name it:
If you don’t like that one, here’s another name you could call your band:
Dis Funkshun and the Family Dynamics
When you start your punk band, you should do some cross-over country tunes so you don’t lose your “base.” Here’s a good old country song about walls that your base will like a lot:
Four walls to hear me,
Four walls to see,
Four walls too near me,
Closing in on me.
When you’re done turning dull purple over the border wall, I wonder if you could give me a few insider stock tips?
The reason I ask is my investments are going in the tank! If the stock market keeps doing a face plant, I might need to get a second job. I was thinking of applying at the National Park Service or as a TSA agent, but here’s the problem:
I want to get paid.
And judging by how dull purple you’ve become, it might be a while before my next pay check.
So we’re back to investments. Last year I lost a ton of money on my TRUMP University stocks. But now I bet I could pick some up really cheap. Do you think this is a good time to catch TRUMP University on a rebound?
What about TRUMP Tower Moscow? I bet I could get a really good deal on that stock now!
It’s like Michelle Obama said: “When they go low, we start a trade war and try to fire the head of the Federal Reserve!”
Also, the Secretary of Defense. You tried to fire him too. After he resigned.
I don’t care what Mattis says! Just because he thinks pulling out of Syria without giving him, Congress, or our allies a heads-up was the most stupid, shortsighted, simpleminded, senseless, dumb, doltish, boneheaded, brainless, idiotic, imbecilic, laughable, ludicrous, nonsensical, witless, moronic, dangerous thing any president has ever done in his forty-eight years of service, doesn’t mean….
Where was I? Oh, right. Syria. The point is, Russia, Turkey, and Iran all think you were absolutely correct to pull out immediately and tell everybody in a tweet. AND—Saudi Arabia is going to finish off Isis for us!
Who says you don’t build coalitions?
And who says your foreign policy is a “scattershot mess of improvised initiatives”? You won the war in Syria! You won the war in Afghanistan! And now you’ve won the War on Christmas!
That’s right! It’s just like you told that 7 year old girl who was tracking Santa Claus:
“Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7, it’s marginal, right?”
And who says you never tell the truth? The same fake news organization that says your foreign policy is a “scattershot mess of improvised initiatives”—the Washington Post, that’s who!
Well, let's see the Washington Post give you a Pinocchio this time! WaPo says you’ve told over 6,500 lies since you’ve been president, but we haven’t heard one peep out of them since you told that 7 year old girl that there is no Santa Claus! Even they have to admit you told the truth on that one!
Here’s another thing you said that even the Washington Post won’t give you a Pinocchio for:
"It's a disgrace, what's happening in our country.”
Nobody could argue with that, but you couldn’t leave it alone, could you? You had to finish with a whopper:
“But other than that, I wish everybody a very merry Christmas."
It’s marginal, right?
P.S. When you come over, would you mind bringing an extra MAGA hat? Mine is filled with pin holes from when my wife Viola stole it and used it for a voodoo doll.
P.P.S. Don’t worry about missing Fox while we’re watching football. I’ll tape it on my DVR so after the game you can find out what to do.
P.P.P.S. I just saw that you and Melania are heading off for Iraq to visit the troops for the first time. I guess that means I’ll be home alone after all. Poor me. What are you doing for New Year’s?