The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Yo! Dat Michael Cohen is a rat. A dirty rotten rat. In my neighborhood, a rat like dat would be sleepin with da fishes. Capiche?
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tommy Estrada. You know my twin brudda Carl. He looks up to me cuz I’m older then him. By 5 minutes. Respect yer elders, ya know?
I sez to him, I sez,“Yo! Carl! How come you’re always writin all those letters to the president? Don’t ya know if ya got problems, come see the family? Ain’t no problems family can’t take care of.”
But Carl just sez, “Shut up Tommy. Can’t ya see I’m writin a letter?”
“Ok fine,” I sez. “Well maybe I’ll write one too.”
So here goes.
Carl n I have a lot in common. We’re both businessmen. Carl runs a neighborhood grocery store. He’s been doin it forever but he never gets ahead. Me—I got my own business too. I do a little bit a this an a little bit a that. An I make good dough. Wherever I go I got big wads a cash an I hand it out. I got lots a friends. I do em lots a favors.
Hey! Individual-1! Ya wanna favor? Ya wanna borrow some dough? Don’t be goin ta some Russian Bank wit yer hat in yer hand. Just come see Tommy Estrada.
Like that Trump Foundation operation ya had going. That was a good cash cow for ya for lots a years. But then that lady New York Attorney General, she sez ya gotta dissolve it an she wants ya ta pay 2.8 million in restitution an she don’t ever want you or your family to ever sit on a charitable foundation board ever again. She goes:
"Our petition detailed a shocking pattern of illegality involving the Trump Foundation -- including unlawful coordination with the Trump presidential campaign, repeated and willful self-dealing, and much more. This amounted to the Trump Foundation functioning as little more than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump's business and political interests.”
Hey! No problem, Missus Fancy Pants Attorney General. Nothin personal—it’s just business.
Yo! Individual-1! Ya need ta borrow some dough ta pay off dat 2.8 million? Like I sez, come see Tommy Estrada. We’ll take care of dat Attorney General faster then she can say, “What’s that horse head doin in my bed?”
Or like that Flynn guy. Now we got another rat on our hands. Flynn was supposed to get sentenced today but the judge postponed it. The judge sez:
"The more you assist the government the more you arguably help yourself at the time of sentencing.”
I get it. It’s like we say in my neighborhood, “You scratch my back and I won’t take out your kneecaps.”
But here’s the problem. If Flynn is “assisting the government” dat means he’s not assisting you. Or your family.
By that I mean Don Jr. Eric. Ivanka. Jared. I don't mean no disrespect to yer family, Mister Individual-1, but what bunch of starched white losers.
It’s like the old sayin goes—you can pick yer friends but ya can’t pick yer family. The only one in yer family who you picked was Melania. I see she’s been lettin you hold her hand sometimes. Go figure women. Sometimes ya gotta rough em up a little—they like that. Maybe you told Melania if she didn’t start playin ball you’d lock her in some Trump Tower dungeon and make her wear Goodwill hand-me-downs.
Or maybe you’re playin nice an tellin her if she’ll act like she likes you, you’ll stop reachin up Ivanka’s dress to cop a feel.
Who knows? All I know is Melania has been holding yer hand in public and puttin up some classy Christmas decorations that make me all teary and sentimental cuz they make me think of the Munsters.
Anyways, we got a problem cuz Flynn’s feelin the heat and he’s squealin like the fat lady at the opera.
That ain’t copasetic. Where I come from ya take a loyalty oath an ya keeps yer mouth shut. An when ya gets pinched ya does yer time. Ya gets yer cherry popped an when ya come out yer a made man an the family takes care of you. Capiche?
The way I see it, Individual-1, you got a problem. Actually, ya got 17 problems. Dats how many investigations the goverment has going against you. Seventeen.
If John Gotti was alive today, he’d be going, “Damn! That guy's got a lot of investigations against him!”
I don’t want to speak for Mister Gotti, but if he was alive today, he’d be going, “Watch yer back, Individual-1. That Mueller guy pinched me and he wants ta pinch you too!”
An the rats are squealin! Ya got Cohen an Flynn an Gates an Papadopoulus an Maria Butina an Nader an Sater an Weisselberg an Pecker.
Damn dat Pecker! Ya know what I think? I think Pecker needs to get whacked!
Anyways, ya got more canaries singin than the Mormon Tabelfriggin Choir. Excuse my French. There ain’t no ladies around, are there? If there’s any ladies that gets offended, just pay em off. Don’t worry if yer a little short. This one’s on me. What dya think? 130 g’s will make the problem go away? I got this one. Bada bing!
Anyways, ya got 17 investigations going against you. Ya got the Russia investigations an Trump Organization investigations an Middle East investigations an Turkey an taxes an the emoluments clause. I sez to my brudda, “Yo! Carl! What’s the emoluments clause?” An Carl sez:
“I think that’s Melania’s Christmas tree theme.”
My brudda might be 5 minutes younger, but he’s the smart one.
Anyways, ya not only got 17 investigations going against you, but those Democrats in Congress are firing up the chainsaw. The way I see it, Mister Individual-1, yer in a bit of a pickle. And Carl tells me you’re considerin him ta be yer Chief of Staff. But I gotta tell ya, an I say this with respect, yer lookin at the wrong guy. Here’s the guy ya need fer yer Chief of Staff:
Carl’s great if ya need a thinker. But this ain’t no Shakespeare. This is more like The Untouchables Meets The Three Stooges. Remember the Untouchables? That was the movie where Eliot Ness takes down Al Capone for tax evasion. Which is why we gotta dump yer tax returns in that big plastic island in the middle of the Pacific. That plastic heap is bigger than Texas. Nobody’ll never find yer tax returns there.
The Three Stooges was Larry, Moe, and Curly. Moe’s just like you. He’s the brains of the operation. Moe’s got bad hair and he’s always pissed at somebody.
Larry and Curly are just like Don Jr. and Eric. Moe’s always yellin at em, callin em names, slappin em upside the head, stickin his fingers in their eyes, and breakin chairs over their noggins. Just like you.
Where was I? Oh yeah right. Carl might be a great peace time Chief of Staff but we’re on war time footing. What ya need is an enforcer. Ya need a guy who isn’t afraid ta bust a few balls. Capiche?
What ya need above all else is loyalty. And I’m here ta tell you, Individual-1, I’ll be as loyal as Ed Friggin McMahon. I’ll not only take a bullet for ya, I’ll take a whole round from an AR-15. If Mueller comes around askin questions about Russian collusion or WikiLeaks or Trump Tower meetings, here’s what I’ll tell him:
“My client has the utmost respect fer you, Mister Mueller. He wants me to commend you personally for the Purple Heart you earned in Vietnam, the way you took down Mister Gotti and the Gambino family, and yer service as head of the FBI. My client feels these investigations have gone on long enough and he asks you, with great respect, ta wrap this matter up very soon, and ta clear his family’s name. You’ve got kids and grandkids too, Mister Mueller. Imagine if they was being treated the way Mister Trump’s family is being treated. You wouldn’t want dat, now would you? I think we should wrap this little dispute up in a bow and then we can all go home and be safe with our families fer the holidays.”
And if Mueller says no, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.
With great loyalty and respect,
P.S. Carl says ta tell ya if you testify over Giuliani’s dead body, he’s available ta fill Giuliani’s shoes.
P.P.S. What size shoes does Giuliani wear?
P.P.P.S. Ya got any tips fer gettin the cement out?