President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20500
Position: White House Chief of Staff
Applicant: Carl Estrada
Prior Experience: Forty-five years running a small business as a neighborhood grocer; 15 years of giving advice and constructive criticism to the famous, the infamous, and the Current Administration.
Other Qualifications: I’m not Chris Christie.
Explain in 1,000 words or less what you would bring to the job:
First, I’d take a bullet for you!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, Michael Cohen said he’d take a bullet for me, and look where he ended up? The only thing he took was 3 years in the slammer and a bazillion tapes! Anyway, who’s Michael Cohen? I never heard of the guy!”
And I pledge to you sir, I will never tape you. Even if you’re in some karaoke bar singing “He’s In the Jailhouse Now.”
I’ll be so loyal, you’re gonna be bored with how loyal I’ll be! Not like that last guy—General What’s-his-name. Oh right—Kelly. That guy just wouldn’t play ball! Did you see those pictures of him holding his head in his hands? Every time you said something stupid, there was Kelly holding his head like he had a Magnitude 10 migraine!
Here is my promise: No matter how stupid the things you say, I will never hold my head in my hands and make a face like Pence would make if he found out his daughter had a sex change operation!
Speaking of Pence, my first order of business will be to keep that guy out of your hair. Here’s Pence’s problem: He talks too much!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, did you see Pence when I threatened a government shutdown to Chuck & Nancy? He didn’t say a word!”
And I say to you sir, pictures say a thousand words, and here’s what that picture of Pence said:
“Oh Lord, please don’t let Schumer and my president step outside and have a fist fight! Don’t leave me in this room alone with that woman!”
The next picture of Pence said:
“I wonder what size these drapes are? I think I want white.”
The next picture of Pence said:
“I think my first act as president will be to pass a law requiring His and Hers elevators!”
As your Chief of Staff, my most important job will be to be your gatekeeper. Here is a list of people who will have my green light to walk into the Oval Office anytime they want:
I have a question: If Putin wants to sit in your chair, where do you think he'll want you to stand?
Here’s a list of people I will not allow in the Oval Office under any conditions:
We can’t be too careful! She might walk in on something innocent like a conference discussing adoptions of Russian children.
But it could be something darker. We can’t have Melania walking into the Oval Office while you’re getting spanked by a porn star! Or while some Russian hookers are watering your desk!
No, I’ll just tell her, “The president is busy with 'affairs of state.' Run along and design a Santa Claus Meets Charles Manson Christmas motif."
As your Chief of Staff, it will be my job to manage all the investigations and subpoenas that will be flying in your face. There’s the Mueller investigation; the Southern District of NY investigations; there are investigations of the TRUMP Organization; the TRUMP Foundation; the TRUMP campaign; the TRUMP inauguration; the TRUMP presidency!
Obstruction of justice! Collusion! There’s Schiff and Nadler and Cummings and Swalwell all chomping at the bit! There’s Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, Cohen, Flynn, Manafort, Stone, Corsi!
There’s David Pecker!
One job, which was completely overlooked by my predecessors but which I will take very seriously, will be to “catch and kill” the David Pecker jokes. Handling Pecker will be hard! Very hard! But I intend to wrap my hands around the Pecker problem, blunt the impact, and stop the leaking!
As we know, with all the investigations and subpoenas, there are mountains of tax returns and other paperwork that should never see the light of day. And I know the perfect place to hide them:
The top drawer of my wife Viola’s desk.
Nobody will ever find them there! That drawer is such a cluttered mess, even Viola can’t find anything! She’s lost 14 pairs of glasses, 176 sticky notes, 851 paper clips, and 400,000 rubber bands in that black hole of a drawer! It’s better than a paper shredder! We’ll simply feed those documents into Viola’s desk and Mueller will get so tangled up in string and scotch tape, he’ll be wishing for the simple old days when he was taking down John Gotti!
Trump Names Mick Mulvaney Acting White House Chief of Staff!
This is great news! First Reince Priebus acted like your Chief of Staff; then General Kelly acted like your Chief of Staff. Now Mulvaney can act like your Chief of Staff for a while.
I want to thank you for your thoughtfulness, sir. As you clearly understand, it will take Viola and me a while to relocate to DC—it’s going to take Viola at least a month just to clean out her desk! So it works out perfectly for Mulvaney to act like Chief of Staff until I can hit the deck running!
I have a question: We need a place to stay. Do you have any vacancies at the TRUMP hotel? If it’s good enough for the Saudis and the Russians, it’s good enough for me!
P.S. Does Chief of Staff come with good health insurance? The reason I ask is now that that Texas judge has struck down Obamacare, I’m afraid I might lose mine due to a pre-existing condition. I’d tell you what it is but I promised no more Pecker jokes.
P.P.S. I see Ryan Zinke will be leaving as Secretary of Interior at the end of the year. I hear he’s under 20 investigations, so if you see him, tell him he’s welcome to use Viola’s desk.
Also, if for some reason, you don’t hire me as Chief of Staff, I’ll be happy to take Zinke’s job. Zinke provided a great service to our nation by opening up our national parks and monuments to oil, gas, and coal development, but his work is incomplete. I pledge to finish the job that Zinke started! So much land, so little time! 12 years—if you believe the UN Climate Report.
P.P.P.S. When I come to DC, do you think you could find a job for my grandson, Lester? He’s 18 and he's unemployed. Maybe you could hire him to mow your lawn or make your bed. He’s a good worker AND he’s got papers!