The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. Individual-1,
You did it! You proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that all the noise Mueller is making about you being a criminal is worth as much as a diploma from TRUMP University!
Here’s what you tweeted that proves how innocent you are:
Case closed! But just in case there was any doubt, you sealed the deal when you tweeted:
“Totally clears the president. Thank you!”
With an airtight defense like that, who can argue with you now? You walked way from a plane crash without a single hair implant out of place!
Even Mueller had to admit there was no collusion. Here’s what he said:
“Cohen received the contact information for, and spoke with, a Russian national who claimed to be a ‘trusted person’ in the Russian Federation who could offer the campaign ‘political synergy’ and ’synergy on a government level.’ ”
You see? There was no “collusion!” Only “synergy.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I never even heard of the word ‘synergy.’ Is it like what I did in that Russian hotel? And by the way, I didn’t do that. Everybody knows I’m a germaphobe.”
Well, I looked up “synergy” for you and here’s what Webster’s says:
1. combined action or operation
2. a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements
Here’s another word you might not know: “synonym.” A synonym is a word that is similar to another word. For example, here are some synonyms for “traitor:”
“Conspirator; hypocrite; impostor; deceiver; treasonist; fink.”
Where was I? Oh right—“synergy” and “synonyms.” Here are some synonyms for “synergy”:
“Teamwork; alliance; coaction; union; combined effort; working together.”
You see? Webster’s doesn’t mention “collusion” one single time as a synonym for “synergy!” Bupkis!
“Bupkis” might be another new word for you too. This time we’ll turn to Giuliani for our definition:
“If Flynn had information to share with Mueller that hurt the president, you would know it by now. There’s a Yiddish word that fits: They don’t have bupkis.”
By the way, “they don’t have bupkis” is what’s known as a “double negative.” A double negative is like when you’re convicted of collusion AND obstruction of justice.
If “they don’t have bupkis,” this means they DO have 19 meetings with Flynn and a 13 page sentencing memo with a bazillion redactions.
While we’re on our English grammar lesson, let’s look up another synonym for “synergy”: “fink.”
"fink: an unpleasant or contemptible person"
No, no, Mr. Individual-1! Don’t get your panties all in a bunch! Let your Guatemalan housekeeper do that!
It’s so obvious that when Webster’s defines the word “fink,” they’re not talking about you! They’re talking about Michael Cohen. And the Southern District of New York agrees. Here’s how “unpleasant and contemptible” they say Michael Cohen is:
“Cohen…committed four distinct federal crimes over a period of several years. He was motivated to do so by personal greed, and repeatedly used his power and influence for deceptive ends. The crimes he committed were…marked by a pattern of deception that permeated his professional life.”
Here’s what else they said: “Only the best people.”
Whoops! That last quote wasn’t from SDNY. That was you. I have a question:
The best at what?
Michael Cohen is the best at paying off porn stars.
Mike Flynn is the best at shouting, “LOCK HER UP!”
Manafort’s the best at getting more jail time than El Chapo and holding out for a pardon.
Where was I? Oh, right—the Southern District of New York. Here’s what else they said:
"In particular, and as Cohen himself has now admitted, with respect to both payments, he acted in coordination with and at the direction of Individual-1."
“Both payments” were made to shut up the porn star and the Playboy bunny.
“Individual-1” is you.
So sad! Everybody knows you’re as innocent as a Saudi Prince! You have four good explanations for this and here they are:
Q: Mr. President, did you know about the $130,000 payment to Stormy Daniels?
Individual-1: No. No.
Q: Then why did Michael Cohen make those if there was no truth to her allegations?
Individual-1: Well, you’ll have to ask Michael Cohen. Michael is my attorney. And you’ll have to ask Michael Cohen.
“Mr. Cohen, an attorney, received a monthly retainer, not from the campaign and having nothing to do with the campaign, from which he entered into, through reimbursement, a private contract between two parties, known as a non-disclosure agreement. These agreements are very common among celebrities and people of wealth. In this case it is in full force and effect and will be used in Arbitration for damages against Ms. Clifford (Daniels). The agreement was used to stop the false and extortionist accusations made by her about an affair, despite already having signed a detailed letter admitting that there was no affair.”
"Michael Cohen plead guilty to two counts of campaign finance violations that are not a crime. President Obama had a big campaign finance violation and it was easily settled!"
“Democrats can’t find a Smocking Gun tying the Trump campaign to Russia after James Comey’s testimony. No Smocking Gun...No Collusion. That’s because there was NO COLLUSION. So now the Dems go to a simple private transaction, wrongly call it a campaign contribution, which it was not (but even if it was, it is only a CIVIL CASE, like Obama’s - but it was done correctly by a lawyer and there would not even be a fine. Lawyer’s liability if he made a mistake, not me). Cohen just trying to get his sentence reduced. WITCH HUNT!
NOW I get it! You didn’t know anything about those hush money payments that Michael Cohen made; and you signed a non-disclosure agreement with Stormy Daniels so she’d shut up about the affair you never had; and Cohen pleaded guilty to campaign finance violations that aren’t a crime; and Obama did it too; and anyway, it wasn’t a campaign contribution, it was just a “simple private transaction;” and even if it was a campaign contribution, it wasn’t a crime; and even if it was a crime, it was all Michael Cohen’s fault; and there is no "Smocking Gun;" which proves: NO COLLUSION!
It also proves this: Where there’s smock, there’s fire.
I have a question: If Mueller finds the “Smocking Gun,” then will you overturn the 2nd Amendment?
P.S. Congratulations for standing strong with Russia and Saudi Arabia at the UN Climate Conference! When the European Union, 47 developed countries, Latin America, Africa, and a thousand scientists say the sky is falling, somebody has to have the guts to say, “By the time the sky falls, the Mueller investigation will be wrapped up and none of that will matter.”
P.P.S. Now that you’re standing strong with Russia and Saudi Arabia, somebody had better give Jim Acosta the heads-up to hire a food taster and to stay away from people carrying bone saws.
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Sign it to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite American businessman. He likes you even better than Bernie Madoff!