Mr. Individual 1
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. Individual 1,
Do you notice anything different about this letter? Here’s what’s different:
Usually, I start out my letters to you by saying: “Dear President TRUMP.”
But this time, I’m saying: “Dear Mr. Individual 1.”
That’s what Robert Mueller called you in his report on Michael Cohen: “Individual 1.”
Which brings me to this question:
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???!!!
How many times have I told you these two rules:
Rule #1: Don’t talk to Mueller!
Rule #2: See Rule #1.
Don’t you know how dangerous Mueller is? That guy is playing 3-dimensional chess while you’re going down the big slide in Chutes and Ladders!
That guy is throwing 98 mph fastballs while you’re still trying to hit a Nerf ball off the tee!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I didn’t talk to Mueller. I just answered his written questions.
Are you kidding me?! This wasn’t your high school true-false exam! What was it Giuliani called it? I don’t recall. Wait a minute—I think I’ve got it. To the best of my recollection, here’s what Giuliani called Mueller’s written questions:
“A perjury trap.”
I bet Mueller checkmated you in one move. Here’s how Question #1 went:
Mueller: Did you collude with Russia?
Individual 1: No.
Don’t you get it? Now we don’t just have a Mueller problem—we have a Michael Cohen problem. Here’s what you said about Michael Cohen at your last heliconference:
“He was given a fairly long jail sentence. And he’s a weak person. And by being weak, unlike other people that you watch — he is a weak person. And what he’s trying to do is get a reduced sentence. So he’s lying about a project that everybody knew about. I mean, we were very open with it. We were thinking about building a building. I guess we had — in a form, it was an option. I don’t know what you’d call it. We decided — I decided ultimately not to do it. There would have been nothing wrong if I did do it. If I did do it, there would have been nothing wrong. That was my business.”
Oh, now I get it! You were “thinking about building a building” and you didn’t do it but there would be nothing wrong if you did it but you didn’t but there would be nothing wrong if you did.
I have a question: When you said Michael Cohen is a “weak person…unlike other people that you watch,” are those “other people” Paul Manafort?
The reason I ask is at the heliconference, a reporter asked you this:
“Mr. President, it seems like you’re leaning toward pardon —“
And here was your answer:
“I don’t hear you. You have to talk. You got — see that? You have a helicopter.”
But that reporter just wouldn’t let it go! Here was her next question:
“It seems like you’re leaning toward pardoning Paul Manafort. Is that true?”
And this time you heard her. Here’s what you said:
“No, the question was asked yesterday about pardons, with respect to Paul Manafort, who — it’s very sad what’s happened to Paul, the way he’s bring treated. I’ve never seen anybody treated so poorly.”
I have another question and here it is:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
You say you’ve “never seen anybody treated so poorly” as Paul Manafort. What about Roger Stone? What about Jerome Corsi? Have you no loyalty, Mr. Individual 1? Don’t you think Stone and Corsi deserve a pardon every bit as much as Manafort? Look at the facts:
FACT: On July 25, 2016, Roger Stone sent an email to Jerome Corsi that said: “Get to (Assange) [a]t Ecuadorian Embassy in London and get the pending (WikiLeaks) emails.”
FACT: On August 16, 2016, Corsi sent an email to Stone, that said this: "Word is friend in embassy plans 2 more dumps. One shortly after I'm back. 2nd in Oct. Impact planned to be very damaging."
FACT: “Friend in embassy”=Julian Assange. “2 more dumps”=WikiLeaks.
FACT: On October 10, 2016, Individual 1 said: “WikiLeaks, I love WikiLeaks.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, Jerome Corsi? Roger Stone? I never even heard of those guys.”
Let me refresh your memory, Mr. Individual 1:
Jerome Corsi is the famous author who wrote “Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry.” That’s right! Corsi is a true patriot! If it weren’t for him, how would we ever have known that John Kerry wasn’t a war hero at all, but a coward and a fraud? If it weren’t for Corsi, Kerry might have been elected president instead of George W. Bush, and then where would we be?
The very same Jerome Corsi authored the book, “The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and the Cult of Personality.” In this meticulously researched book, Corsi proved that Obama was born in Kenya and was therefore, an illegitimate president. If Corsi hadn’t provided this invaluable contribution to our nation, you Mr. Individual 1, might never have ridden the Obama Birther wave all the way to the White House!
Thank you, Jerome Corsi, for your service!
Also, Corsi is friends with Roger Stone.
Roger Stone has been your good buddy for 30 years. He has a tattoo of Nixon on his back.
Speaking of tattoos, I’ve plotted out a 3-prong strategy to help you get out of this mess:
PRONG #1: Shave your head bald. Nobody will ever recognize you without your signature “Elvis Meets A Clockwork Orange” look.
PRONG #2: Get an MS-13 logo tattooed on your forehead.
PRONG #3: Go down to the Mexico/California border and blend in with the crying mothers who are looking for their kids. Then when Mueller comes around looking for Individual 1, just say, “No speaka de English.”
That’ll throw Mueller off the scent faster than you can say, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me. No way.”
P.S. They say Michael Cohen has talked to Team Mueller for 70 hours. Not to worry! You’ve been trying to get a hotel in Moscow for 30 years! There’s no way Cohen can cover 30 years in 70 hours. Can he?
P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite billionaire businessman. He likes you even better than Oleg Deripaska!
P.P.P.S. When you sign the photo, Lester asked me to ask you to sign it: “Individual 1.” I told Lester that your “Individual 1” autograph would look exactly the same as your “Donald TRUMP” autograph, but Lester insisted. He thinks your “Individual 1” autograph might look a little bit shakier.