President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I’m sorry it took me so long to say congratulations on your huge electoral win two weeks ago but I’ve been really busy raking my yard.
And it’s working! Those damn maple leaves keep falling and falling, but I’ve been raking every single day and guess what? I haven’t had a single forest fire!
It’s just like Finland’s President Sauli Niinisto explained to you: Finland doesn’t have a forest fire problem because they spend “a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things.”
Whoops! President Niinisto didn’t say that! That was you! Here’s what President Niinisto said:
“We take care of our forests.”
You see? It’s no wonder 70% of Finland is covered with forest! The Finns take their forest management seriously! And just to prove how important the Finns think it is to keep their forest floors sparkling clean, they’ve been tweeting about it!
Pyry Luminen tweeted a picture of herself doing her civic duty and vacuuming her forest. Most people don’t know this but Finland has really long extension cords!
Speaking of vacuums, does Melania have a Roomba machine? A Roomba machine is that little circular robot that slides around the floor and does all the vacuuming so Melania won’t have to. My wife Viola loves hers! You should get Melania one for for Christmas. She’ll love you for it! She might even let you in her room once in a while!
The reason I asked about the Roomba machine is Larry Gouge of Canada tweeted a picture of his Roomba machine vacuuming his forest. Now THAT’S forest management! And the Roomba machine doesn’t even need an extension cord!
Aleksi Valavuori of Finland tweeted a video saying he attended Rake University for two years. I have another question: Does TRUMP University honor Rake University credits? If so, Aleksi could go on for his degree at TRUMP U with a major in Rakes and a minor in Steak Knives.
The tweeters have even come up with campaign slogan you can use in 2020. Here it is:
Make America Rake Again!
By the way, remember when Obama delivered the eulogy for Rev. Clementa Pinckney who was gunned down in his Charleston, SC church? Remember how Obama brought the congregation and the entire country to tears when he sang “Amazing Grace”?
Well, sir, this was your “Amazing Grace” moment! You went to Paradise, CA, an entire town transformed into hell on earth, an entire community devastated by the loss of everything they had in the world, an entire population traumatized and shocked by the deadliest fire in California history. They waited breathlessly for the balm of love, compassion, and reassurance, the laying on of hands that only the Leader of the Free World can deliver. And boy, did you deliver! Here’s what you said about the fires to the good people of Paradise, California:
“I mean, as big as they look on the tube, you don’t see what’s going on until you come here. And what we saw at Pleasure, what a name, right now.”
You see? Obama’s not the only president who can bring the entire nation to tears!
P.S. I’m so confused! Saturday, you were asked if climate change was partly to blame for the forest fires, and here’s what you said:
"No, no, I have a strong opinion. I want a great climate.”
Then later you said this:
"Is it happening? Things are changing. And I think, most importantly, we're doing things about. We're going to make it better. We're going to make it a lot better. And it's going to happen as quickly as it can possibly happen."
But on Sunday, when Chris Wallace got pushy and pressed you on climate change, you said this:
"Maybe it contributes a little bit. The big problem we have is management.”
Oh, NOW I get it! Climate change isn’t causing the fires, and maybe it is a little bit, and you’re going to make climate great again, but mainly we have to rake the forest floor.
One more tweet. Here’s why Shannon Watts thinks Finland doesn’t have a forest fire problem:
“It rains like hell and is cold AF.”
P.P.S. Next time you go to Paradise, California, don’t forget the paper towels! They worked in Puerto Rico. They’ll work in Pleasure too!
P.P.P.S. You told Chris Wallace one thing that rang so true, was so honest, real, candid and transparent, that nobody—not even Adam Schiff—will accuse you of lying! Here’s what you said:
“The big problem we have is management.”