Senator Lindsey “Jingles” Graham
290 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Lindsey “Jingles” Graham,
I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS MAD IN MY LIFE!!! THIS HEARING WAS A TRAVESTY!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN THIS KIND OF SLEAZY, SALACIOUS CHARACTER ASSASSINATION SINCE BRETT KAVANAUGH WROTE KEN STARR’S REPORT ON BILL CLINTON!!!
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE STEEPED IN RIGHTEOUS ANGER, SENATOR LINDSEY “JINGLES” GRAHAM!!! THE NERVE OF THOSE DEMOCRATS ACCUSING THIS GOOD, DECENT FAMILY MAN WHO COACHES GIRLS' BASKETBALL AND LIKES BEER--OF TRYING TO RAPE SOMEBODY!!!! THE NERVE OF THEM TRYING TO DENY HIM MERRICK GARLAND’S SEAT ON THE SUPREME COURT!!!
By the way, I bet you’re wondering why I’m calling you by your nickname, “Jingles.” Remember that old black and white TV western from the ‘50s—“Wild Bill Hickok”? Wild Bill Hickok was the sheriff who “beat up all the bad guys and somehow kept his good looks.”
Just like TRUMP!
Jingles was Wild Bill Hickok’s comical sidekick.
Just like you!
Remember when Wild Bill Hickok would gallop off into the sunset and Jingles, all 300 pounds of him, would lumber behind him on his poor, tired old horse? Here’s what Jingles would shout:
“Hey Wild Bill! Wait for me!”
And here’s what Jingles said about Wild Bill:
“The bravest, strongest, fightingest U.S. Marshal in the whole west.”
Just like TRUMP!
Jingles always made sure to say that on TV when he knew Wild Bill was watching.
Just like you!
I think now that you hit a home run at the Kavanaugh hearings, you’ve got a lock on the Attorney General job in November. You yelled at the top of your lungs:
“I’M A SINGLE WHITE MALE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, AND I’M TOLD I SHOULD JUST SHUT UP, BUT I WILL NOT SHUT UP!!!!”
In that one yell, you checked all the boxes that TRUMP likes in his sidekick!
White male: Check.
South Carolina: Check.
Won’t shut up: Check.*
*Memo to Jingles: Only yell at the top of your lungs when TRUMP isn’t in the room. When he’s around, let HIM yell at the top of HIS lungs!**
**Memo #2 to Jingles: Best to yell at the top of your lungs at Supreme Court confirmation hearings or on Hannity’s show when you know TRUMP is watching!
Here’s another thing you yelled at the top of your lungs:
“WHEN YOU SEE SOTOMAYOR AND KAGAN, TELL THEM LINDSEY SAID HELLO BECAUSE I VOTED FOR THEM!!!! I WOULD NEVER DO TO THEM WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO THIS GUY!!!”
That’s right! You sat through all those stuffy hearings, listening to those OWGs (Old White Geezers) Grassley and Hatch drone on about how much they respect the gals, and you NEVER ONCE demanded an FBI investigation of Sotomayor or Kagan for attempted rape!
Here’s another thing you never did to Sotomayor or Kagan: You were never so mean that you forced them to scream and argue at the top of their lungs! You never reduced them to a quivering puddle of tears!
It’s a good thing, too! If Sotomayor or Kagan had screamed and argued and cried, it would have proved they were unfit to be judges in the highest court in the land!
But it was different for Kavanaugh. He had a tough act to follow! Even TRUMP said Blasey Ford’s testimony was “compelling” and “credible.”
Are you kidding me?! The only time TRUMP ever thought anybody was “compelling” or “credible” was when he was watching himself on TV!
The problem with Blasey Ford was this: How do you believe someone who is so believable? Here’s my theory: I think the Democrats went into a laboratory with funding from George Soros and created the perfect Blasey Ford monster! It’s the only thing that makes sense!
The Blasey Ford monster was “terrified.” The Blasey Ford monster disarmed the “female prosecutor” with her perfect blend of laboratory manufactured intelligence and innocence, humility and humanity, victimhood and dignity.
When the Blasey Ford monster explained how the neurotransmitter epinephrine “codes memories into the hippocampus, and so the trauma-related experience is locked there, whereas other details kind of drift,” I turned to my wife Viola and said, “Uh oh. Now we’re in trouble.”
But Viola didn’t answer me because she was crying.
Women. They get so emotional!
So, as I said, the Blasey Ford monster was a tough act to follow, and there was only one thing Kavanaugh could do:
Yell and argue and cry! Here is what he yelled, argued, and cried about:
“YES WE DRANK BEER!!!! MY FRIENDS AND I, THE BOYS AND THE GIRLS!!!! YES, WE DRANK BEER!!!! I LIKED BEER!!!! STILL LIKE BEER!!!! WE DRANK BEER!!!! THE DRINKING AGE, AS I NOTED, WAS 18, SO THE SENIORS WERE LEGAL, SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, PEOPLE WERE LEGAL TO DRINK, AND WE— YEAH, WE DRANK BEER, AND I SAID SOMETIMES— SOMETIMES PROBABLY HAD TOO MANY BEERS, AND SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE HAD TOO MANY BEERS!!!!…. WE DRANK BEER!!!! WE LIKED BEER!!!!”
And I thought to myself: “This is my guy! This is the man I want on the Supreme Court!”
But then I thought, “Wait a minute! The Blasey Ford monster was believable too! Who should I believe?”
Fortunately, you went on Hannity’s show and straightened me out. Here’s what you yelled:
“I AM MORE CONVINCED THAN EVER THAT HE DIDN’T DO IT, THAT HE’S THE RIGHT GUY TO BE ON THE COURT, THAT MS. FORD HAS GOT A PROBLEM, AND DESTROYING JUDGE KAVANAUGH’S LIFE WON’T FIX HER PROBLEM!!!!”
And I thought to myself, “If Brett Kavanaugh is good enough for Lindsey “Jingles” Graham, he’s good enough for me!”
But then I thought, what do I know? I’m only Carl Estrada, a little neighborhood grocer who gives advice to the president. We know there’s only one person’s opinion that matters.
Well, the reviews are in, and all the experts say you knocked it out of the park! Here are the reviews from the experts who have the president’s ear:
“Lindsey Graham has more decency and courage than every Democrat member of the committee combined. God bless him.”—Sarah Sanders
“I don’t think you’ve ever had a more powerful moment in your career.”—Sean Hannity
“You were truly incredible today.”—Eric Trump
High praise indeed!
“Attorney General Lindsey ‘Jingles’ Graham.” Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
P.S. I want to offer my belated condolences for the loss of your dear friend John McCain. It must be so hard to lose your alpha male. Fortunately, you found a new alpha male and he’s the biggest dog on the block!
P.P.S. Do not, I repeat: DO NOT ever play pool with him! You’re a really good pool player and you might beat him by accident. Stick to golf. You can always look the other way when he cheats.
P.P.P.S. Please send me an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite sidekick. He likes you even better than Barney Fife.