Senator Charles “Chuck” Grassley (OWGR-Iowa)

135 Hart Senate Office Building

Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Grassley (OWGR-Iowa),

As a fellow member of the Old White Guy Republican (OWGR) club, I think it’s important that we share our secrets for keeping sharp and youthful.  Some people do crossword puzzles.  Some people walk every day.  Some people take up tweeting at 3:00 in the morning.

I’ve found that the best way for me to stay “with it” is to improve my vocabulary.  I try to learn a new word every day.  Yesterday the word I learned was “troglodyte.” 

My wife Viola taught me that word.  Whenever you learn a new word, you should use it in a sentence.  Here is the sentence Viola used:

“You and your Old White Guy Republican buddies (OWGRs) are a bunch of troglodytes!”

I asked Viola what “troglodyte” meant, and she said, “Look it up!”  

So I did.  Here’s what Merriam-Webster says:

"1 : a member of any of various peoples (as in antiquity) who lived or were reputed to live chiefly in caves. 

2 : a person characterized by reclusive habits or outmoded or reactionary attitudes.”

I like to get my definitions from several different sources so I went to Urban Dictionary and this is what they said:

“A person considered to be reclusive, reactionary, out of date, or brutish.”

Here are a few of the similar words I found in my Thesaurus for “troglodyte”:

“beast; bigot; boor; ignoramus; lout”

Viola wanted to make sure I understood the word, so she used it in another sentence:

“That Grassley is such a troglodyte!  He was on the Anita Hill Inquisition 27 years ago and he hasn’t learned a thing!”

Viola is so unfair!  Of course you’ve learned a thing!  Here’s the thing you learned: 

Do not, I repeat—DO NOT—under any circumstances allow anybody except Dr. Blasey and Judge Kavanaugh testify!  That’s the only way you can get to the truth, which is that Judge Kavanaugh is, as President TRUMP said, “an outstanding person” and Dr. Blasey Ford is, as Sen. Hatch (OWGR-Utah) said, clearly “mixed up.”

POP QUIZ:

Match each statement with the “troglodyte” who made it:

1. "I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents.”

2. “A horrific incident similar to the one the accuser alleges may well have occurred. But if so, she’s got the wrong guy. Kavanaugh wasn’t present, as this and much more will confirm.”

3. ”It is imperative the Judiciary Committee move forward on the Kavanaugh nomination and a committee vote be taken ASAP.”

4. “President Trump has nominated a stunningly successful individual. You’ve watched the fight, you've watched the tactics, but here's what I want to tell you, in the very near future Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court. We're gonna plough right through it.”

5. “We are unwilling to accommodate your unreasonable demands.  Outside counsel may not dictate the terms under which committee business will be conducted.”

6. “People drown because they panic, not because they can’t swim. The Whelan email is symptomatic of the utter panic consuming a nomination that hangs by the thinnest of threads and the looming spectacle of out of touch octogenarians like Orin Hatch interrogating Dr. Ford.”

A. President Donald J. TRUMP (OWGR-The White House)

B. Ed Whelan (OWGR and President of the Ethics and Public Policy Center, "dedicated to applying the Judeo-Christian moral tradition to critical issues of public policy")

C. Sen. Lindsey Graham (OWGR-SC)

D. Sen. Mitch McConnell (OWGR-KY)

E. Sen. Chuck Grassley (OWGR-Iowa)

F. Steve Schmidt (2008 presidential campaign strategist for John McCain [OWGR-AZ])

Answers: 1A, 2B, 3C, 4D, 5E, 6F

Speaking of Steve Schmidt, doesn’t he know Dr. Blasey Ford will never be interrogated by “out of touch octogenarians like Orrin Hatch” (OWGR-Utah)?  No, she’s going to be interrogated by a gal!  Your committee is bending over backwards to be fair to Dr. Blasey Ford who is so hysterical and hormonal she’s "bleeding from her eyes or whatever!"  I have a question:

Which gal are you going to get to interrogate Dr. Blasey Ford?  I think it should be a fair and balanced gal like Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Or maybe Kellyanne Conway.  Who says the Republicans are a bunch of “troglodytes”?  We have a really deep bench of spitfire gals!  If you give me a minute I’ll think of one.  Oh yeah, right!  Here’s one:

Laura Ingraham.  

My grandson Lester’s favorite Republican spitfire gal is Jeanine Pirro.  Here’s her theory that she told Sean Hannity (OWGR-Fox News) about how Dr. Blasey Ford’s therapist made her believe she was raped by Judge Kavanaugh:

“Is this hypnosis?”

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

Senator Grassley (OWGR-Iowa) has given Christine Blasey Ford an extension to decide whether she will testify!

Here’s what you tweeted:

“Judge Kavanaugh I just granted another extension to Dr Ford to decide if she wants to proceed w the statement she made last week to testify to the senate  She shld decide so we can move on  I want to hear her.  I hope u understand.  It’s not my normal approach to b indecisive”

Now she has until 2:30 EST today to decide whether to testify before a committee of fair and balanced OWGRs on a TV show that will have higher ratings than the Super Bowl about how she imagines she got raped 35 years ago.  

All I can say sir, is Viola will never call you a “troglodyte” again!  A troglodyte would never be so “indecisive!”  Troglodytes don’t ask—they take what they want!  If a troglodyte is drunk at a party and he sees a gal he wants, he just shoves her in a room, locks the door, puts his hand over her mouth and rips off her clothes!

But you sir, you’re a modern man!  You understand that gals are moody.  Gals change their minds faster than you can say “Anita Hill!”  You have to go slow, be patient, get them in the mood.   

Then, if they still say no, give ‘em till 2:30!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite “troglodyte.”  He likes you even better than Lou Dobbs (OWGR-Fox News).