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Wednesday, September 12, 2018

September 11, 2018

President Donald J. TRUMP

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington DC 20500

Dear President TRUMP,

September 11.  The day that will live in infamy!  The day that showed the world the best and worst of America!  The day heroes and villains took center stage and fought for the soul of America!  The solemn day when:

BOB WOODWARD’S NEW BOOK CAME OUT!!!

I have to admit, I was a little too anxious today.  I got up at 5:00 this morning, threw on my coat over my pajamas, made myself a pot of coffee, ran into my still dark driveway, and waited for the UPS guy to deliver my pre-ordered copy from Amazon!

I don’t know why I was so excited.  I’ve already heard all about it.  I already know that aides say they stole documents off your desk so you wouldn’t start World War III.

I already knew that when you wanted to talk to Mueller, your lawyer John Dowd told you, “Don’t testify.  It’s either that or an orange jumpsuit.” 

I already knew that Reince Priebus said, “When you put a snake and a rat and a falcon and a rabbit and a shark and a seal in a zoo without walls, things start getting nasty and bloody.”

By the way, you should have ignored Dowd and testified to Mueller.  You’d look fabulous in an orange jumpsuit!  Sort of like Elvis during his Orange Vegas Period.

POP QUIZ #1:

Match the following statements with the person who said them:

1.“Woodward was great.”

2. “Must read column by Bob Woodward."

3. "I’m very open to you. I think you've always been fair.”

4. “This idiot Woodward who wrote this book.  It’s a work of fiction.”

A. Donald TRUMP

B. Donald TRUMP

C. Donald TRUMP

D. Donald TRUMP

Answers: 1C, 2A, 3D, 4B

My point is, it’s my patriotic duty to be informed. And I have to face the facts:  On one hand we have Bob Woodward: Vanquisher of a crooked president, 2-time Pulitzer Prize winner, American hero with a 47-year history of speaking truth to power.  On the other hand we have the President of the United States, owner of towers and casinos, 3-time family man and 6 times bankrupt.

Who should I believe?  One of you is telling the truth, and one of you is a bald-faced liar.  I have to find out which one!

By the way, my wife Viola was looking over my shoulder while I was writing the last part and she corrected me.  Here’s what she said:

“You’re wrong, Carl.  TRUMP has been bankrupt seven times. Six in business, once spiritually.”

I stand corrected.  

Anyway, I had to see for myself.  And right there in his “Note to Readers,” before the Prologue even starts, Woodward gives himself away!

Here’s part of what he says:

“The book is drawn from hundreds of hours of interviews with firsthand participants and witnesses to these events.  Nearly all allowed me to tape-record our interviews so the story could be told with more precision.”

So far so good.  But then, the tell:

“President Trump declined to be interviewed for this book.”

The smoking gun!  We all know you wanted to be interviewed but Woodward never even asked you!  How do we know?  We have your actual phone conversation on tape!  And here it is:

WOODWARD: I'm sorry we missed the opportunity to talk for the book.

TRUMP: Well I just spoke with Kellyanne and she asked me if I got a call. I never got a call. I never got a message. Who did you ask about speaking to me?

WOODWARD: Well, about six people.

TRUMP: They don't tell me.

Then later:

WOODWARD: Senator Graham said he had talked to you about talking to me. Now, is that not true?

TRUMP: Senator Graham actually mentioned it quickly in one meeting.

WOODWARD: Yes. Well, see. And then nothing happened.

TRUMP: That is true. That is true. Well, that - no, but that is true. Mentioned it quickly, not like, you know, and I would certainly have thought that maybe you would've called the office. But that's okay.  I’ll speak to Kellyanne.

Still later:

TRUMP: Well, other than Lindsey, who did quickly mention it, nobody mentioned it.

WOODWARD: You say Kellyanne's there, ask her.

TRUMP: Nobody told me about it. Well, let me ask her. Why don't you speak to Kellyanne. Ask her. She never told me about it.

[Conway takes the phone.]

WOODWARD: Kellyanne?

CONWAY: Bob, how are you? Hi.

WOODWARD: Hi. Remember two and a half months ago you came over and I laid out, I wanted to talk to the president? And you said you would get back to me?

CONWAY: I do. And I put in the request. But you know, they - it was rejected. I can only take it so far. I guess I can bring it right to the president next time.

And finally:

TRUMP: I'm just hearing about it. And I heard - I did hear from Lindsey, but I'm just hearing about it. So we're going to have a very inaccurate book, and that's too bad. But I don't blame you entirely.

WOODWARD: No, it's [?] -- it's going to be accurate, I promise.

TRUMP: Yeah, okay. Well, accurate is that nobody's ever done a better job than I'm doing as president. That I can tell you. So that's ... And that's the way a lot of people feel that know what's going on, and you'll see that over the years. But a lot of people feel that, Bob.

We have three big takeaways from your conversation and here they are:

Takeaway #1: Woodward is a bald-faced liar!  He says he talked to Lindsey Graham about interviewing you.  But Graham only “mentioned it quickly in one meeting.”  How could you have even heard him?  That Lindsey Graham is such a fast talker he’s like the Road Runner on helium!  That guy will leave you in the dust faster than you can say “amonymush op-ed!”

Takeaway #2: Kellyanne is a bald-faced liar!  She says she “put in the request but it was rejected.”  Rejected by who?  Was she trying to keep you out of an orange jumpsuit too?  I’d say Kellyanne just put herself right back in the “amonymush op-ed” writer sweepstakes!

Takeaway #3: Nobody has ever done a better job at being president than you!  That I can tell you!  Believe me!

POP QUIZ #2:

Match the following statements with the person who said them:

1. “He’s an idiot.”

2. “He’s gone off the rails.”

3. “This is the worst job I’ve ever had.”

4. “He and I both know this story is total BS.”

A. John Kelly

B. John Kelly

C. John Kelly

D. John Kelly

Answers:  1D, 2C, 3A, 4B

I can’t wait to start reading Woodward’s book!  It gets off to a great start with a quote from Kim Jong-Un:

“Real power—I don’t even want to use the word—fear.”

Whoops!  Viola’s looking over my shoulder and she’s correcting me again.  She told me Kim Jong-Un didn’t say that.  You did.

I stand corrected.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S. I’ll give you a full book report when I finish reading it.  In the meantime, please send me an autographed picture.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite Bob Woodward character of all time!  He likes you even better than Nixon!

 

 
 
 
 
 


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