President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
There are traitors in our midst! Enemies lurking in the shadows! Treason in the air! Betrayal in the New York Times, and chaos in “Crazytown!”
It’s like the great Shakespeare said:
“Something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, Whoever knocks!”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, why are you quoting Shakespeare to me? I fell asleep during the Obama speech. You think I can make it through Shakespeare?”
And I answer you sir, with another quote from the immortal bard:
“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see that you are unarmed.”
Listen: There is a cancer on your presidency, and it is big and orange and ugly and stupid! We have to get to the bottom of who wrote that the “anomynous” op-ed in the New York Times! Fortunately, sir, I know who it is, and I can answer your question in one word:
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I think it’s John Kelly. After all, he called me an ‘idiot.’ ”
And I say, with all due respect sir, LOTS of people have called you an idiot! Ok, ok—maybe they didn’t call you an “idiot.” John Dowd (your former attorney) called you an “idiot,” but in fairness, he also called you a “dumbbell.”
He also called you a “f***ing liar.”
But James Mattis (your Defense Secretary) didn’t call you an “idiot.” He just said you have the understanding of “a fifth or sixth grader.”
Gary Cohn (your economic advisor) never called you an “idiot.” He didn’t call you a “f***ing liar” either. He just said you’re a “professional liar.”
Rex Tillerson (your former Secretary of State) never called you an “idiot” or a “f***ing liar.” Here’s what he called you:
“A f***ing moron.”
My point is sir, words matter! And I have just one word I want to share with you:
This is the word that cracks the case wide open! Pence gave himself away in his “anomynous” op-ed when he said this:
“We may no longer have Senator McCain. But we will always have his example — a lodestar for restoring honor to public life and our national dialogue.”
Who else besides Pence uses the word “lodestar”? Who even knows what it means? Here’s what Webster’s says:
“…a star that leads or guides….one that serves as an inspiration, model or guide."
Sort of like you when you’re wearing your MAGA hat and calling black people “low IQ” and Mexicans “rapists and murderers” and making fun of handicapped people.
Or like when you called Jeff Sessions (your Attorney General) “mentally retarded” and a “dumb southerner.” Or like when you told Wilbur Ross (your Commerce Secretary) he was “past your prime.” Or like when you said H.R. McMaster (your National Security Adviser) was wearing a suit that made him look like a “beer salesman.”
But don’t go thinking that just because you teased those guys means that one of them wrote that “anomynous” op-ed! Take off your MAGA hat and put on your detective hat! Keep your eye on the “lodestar!” Pence has been dropping “lodestar” breadcrumbs for years! Here are a few of the many breadcrumbs Pence has left behind:
“So let us rededicate ourselves to the mission upon which this body (the U.N.) was founded, ‘to maintain international peace,’ must again be our lodestar, our ideal, and our aspiration.”
“Jack’s (Kemp) lodestar was his unwavering belief in the fundamental equality and dignity of every person."
“As President Trump has said, ‘Past experience has taught us that complacency and concessions only invite aggression and provocation.’ And so vigilance and resolve should be our ‘lodestar.’ ”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, what about Huntsman?”
Huntsman is your Ambassador to Russia.
And you’re saying, “I knew that. But that amonymus op-ed sounds just like Huntsman.” When he said, “There is a quiet resistance within this administration of people choosing to put country first…” Well guess who Huntsman’s biggest hero was?
John McCain. And guess what McCain’s 2012 campaign slogan was? That’s right:
Also, you’re saying that in the anopotomous op-ed, Huntsman talks about Russia’s “malign behavior.”
And my answer is: What’s your point? In the past, Huntsman has talked about Russia’s “malign activity,” its “malign activities,” and it “malign events,” but you can’t show me a single example where he’s used the phrase “malign behavior!”
Now you’re probably saying, “But Carl, look at how, in the annapolus op-ed, Huntsman uses the words ‘impetuous’ and ‘moorings’ and ‘inclination.’ Those are words that he uses all the time in articles and speeches.”
And I say again, sir: Keep your detective hat on your head and your eye on the “lodestar!”
Pence uses that word more than he calls his wife “mother!” This is the only thing that makes sense! Pence wants your job!
Every time you see him standing behind you smiling and nodding while you’re saying:
"It's really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming,” ....Pence is keeping his eye on his “lodestar” and thinking that some day it will be HE who stands before the American people and declares:
“Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, how could Pence do this to me? Don’t you know I only pick “the best people”?
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, you picked a bat-shit crazy guy who believes God made a man, then pulled out his rib with no anesthesia and made a woman out of the rib. Then a snake came along, talked the woman into eating an apple which apparently really turned her on and she tempted the guy to do the thing that had never even crossed his mind, so he removed his fig leaf which was apparently big enough to hide his junk, and they started making babies. And God called what they were doing a sin even though the babies were made in God’s image. And now there are 7 billion of us, so I guess God was right about the sin part.
Maybe they should have used a condom.
My point is, this guy Pence actually believes this stuff! Trust me! When he’s standing behind you smiling and nodding, it’s not because you’re saying: “To be blunt, people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I’m so good looking.”
Pence isn’t smiling and nodding because you’re “so good looking!” No! He’s smiling because he’s thinking about that beautiful woman he got stuck alone with in the elevator!
Any detective knows Pence wrote that apocalyptic op-ed! There’s only one thing to do: Invoke the 25th Amendment and fire Pence! That guy’s a psychopath! He’s a menace to our country! He actually thinks the world is flat, and now he wants to push you off the edge!
Uh oh. I just thought of something. If you invoke the 25th Amendment and fire Pence, then the Democrats win Congress in November and they impeach you, we will be without a president or a vice-president. Do you know what that means?
Maybe you should hang on to Pence a little bit longer. Here’s what you should do: Write a papadopolis op-ed in the NY Times talking about the “witch hunt” and your inaugural crowd size, and how you get a 10 for your handling of the Puerto Rico disaster, and an A+ for your presidency.
That will keep Washington buzzing! Whodunnit?
P.S. Please send an autographed picture to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite real life detective. He likes you even better than Inspector Clouseau!
P.P.S. Speaking of Inspector Clouseau: Remember that scene in The Pink Panther when Clouseau broke a piano in half while trying to smash a fly? The lady who owned the piano said, “That was a priceless Steinway!” To which Clouseau replied, “Not anymore.”
You could do a remake of that movie:
Lady: That was a priceless democracy!
You: Not anymore.