Mr. David Pecker, CEO
American Media Inc.
4 New York Plaza
New York, NY 10004
Dear Mr. Pecker,
I want to say right out front that I’m not going to make any childish jokes about your name. I’m sure you heard plenty of that in junior high. I bet they said:
“Is that Pecker in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?’”
“How many Peckers does it take to screw a light bulb?” *
When you were wide receiver on the football team, they probably shouted from the stands: “Go long, Pecker!”
I bet in those days you had dreams of playing for the Green Bay Peckers.
If somebody flunked a test or got grounded or got dumped by their girlfriend, they were probably “Peckered.”
I’m not going to be one of those immature clowns who takes a cheap shot by talking about how hard it is be to be a “Pecker.”
Or how the Justice Department granted Pecker immunity to soften him up.
No! I have bigger fish to fry! I have bigger peckers to screw!
Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Carl Estrada and I’m an advisor to President TRUMP. If I do say so myself, he values my advice as much as he values the advice of any of his top advisors! So you can imagine how relieved I was when I heard you had been granted immunity in exchange for your testimony about hush money payments to the Playboy Bunny and the porn star.
I said to myself, “Pecker is smart. He’s using a prophylactic.”
The practice you’re testifying about is called “catch and kill.” Sort of like what Obama did to Bin Laden, only different.
No, your kind of “catch and kill” is when you “catch” a story by buying the rights to it, then “kill” it by not publishing it in your media outlets like The National Enquirer. Like what you did with the story about Karen McDougal who had an affair with Donald TRUMP.
Or like what you did with that story the TRUMP Tower doorman sold you—the one about how TRUMP fathered a child with an unnamed mistress in the 80s.
And like you did with all those other stories you helped Michael Cohen “catch” and lock up in a vault.
Speaking of Obama, one story that Michael Cohen and Donald TRUMP “caught” but you didn’t “kill” was the “birther” story. It’s a good thing you printed that one over and over in the National Enquirer, because how else would every Walmart shopper have known that President Obama was a Kenyan-born Muslim?
Or not. The point is, you made us think.
You sure got Texas voters thinking they liked TRUMP better than Ted Cruz when The Enquirer reported Cruz’s dad was part of the plot to assassinate JFK.
Another story you “caught” but didn’t “kill” was the one about Ben Carson, who was also running against TRUMP, and the Enquirer reported this:
“Bungling Surgeon Ben Carson Left Sponge in Patient’s Brain!”
“ ‘sociopath’ hillary clinton’s secret psych files exposed!”
“Failing health and a deadly thirst for power are driving Hillary Clinton to an early grave, The National Enquirer has learned in a bombshell investigation. The desperate and deteriorating 67-year-old won’t make it to the White House—because she’ll be dead in six months.”
“hillary: corrupt! racist! criminal! Trump takes charge! success in just 36 days!”
“proof obama wiretapped trump! lies, leaks & illegal bugging.”
I guess you could say that Obama, Cruz, Carson, and Hillary all got “Peckered.”
But congratulations on being granted immunity! Now you can finally let go of all those stories you “caught” and hid in a vault. I bet it will be a huge relief to “release” those stories about TRUMP’s porn stars and “Apprentice” stars and Playboy models and Miss America contestants. You’ve been using every ounce of will power you possess to hold it back, Mr. Pecker, and now you can finally release it all in one giant climax! Let it go, Mr. Pecker! Let it go!
And who knows? If TRUMP doesn’t get impeached, maybe you can still get that ambassadorship to Saudi Arabia that you were hoping for. Ambassador Pecker—that has a nice ring to it.
How do you say “Pecker” in Arabic?
*By the way, the answer to the question, “How many Peckers does it take to screw a light bulb” is one. But he has to wear a condom so he doesn’t spread his disease.
P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite celebrity with an ironic name. He likes you even better than Anthony Weiner!