Great Exalted Leader Beyond Reproach
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear Great Exalted Leader Beyond Reproach, President TRUMP,
I don’t see any reason why I would believe that you didn’t sell us out to the Russians and commit treason.
Whoops! I misstated that. That’s called a “double negative.” A double negative is when you commit high crimes AND misdemeanors. Let me clarify:
Clarification: I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t believe that you didn’t sell out America to the Russians and commit treason.
The English language is so tricky that way. One little n’t changes the entire meaning! If we’re having trouble, can you imagine Putin’s translator? I would want to be her!
Whoops! I did it again!
Clarification: I wouldn’t want to be her!
When I said, “I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t believe that you didn’t sell out America to the Russians and commit treason,” that was what is called a “triple negative.”
It’s not that double negatives aren’t bad enough, but I would want to not confuse you by not using triple negatives!
Clarification: I wouldn’t want to not confuse you by not using triple negatives!
My point is, it isn’t so easy to not say the wrong thing, especially when you have someone as “strong and powerful” as Putin standing right next to you, vice-like hands gripping both sides of the podium, legs spread in a fighting stance, just waiting for you to slip up, which would give him a reason to release the pee pee tapes which he does have.
Whoops! I meant to say: Putin is just waiting for you to slip up, which wouldn’t give him a reason to release the pee pee tapes which he doesn’t have.
Anyway, I wasn’t not watching your press conference with Putin when you didn’t not say:
“My people came to me, Dan Coates, came to me and some others they said they think it's Russia. I have President Putin. He just said it's not Russia. I will say this: I don't see any reason why it would be.”
Well, you couldn’t not hear a collective gasp around the country! “I wouldn’t say this President isn’t a menace to the world!” the people cried.
That’s why I wouldn’t say that I wasn’t relieved when you clarified your remarks the next day and said this:
“In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t.’ The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia.’ Sort of a double negative.”
“Well,” I said. “That doesn’t not explain everything!”
But you and I know the Democrats and the Fake News crowd aren’t going to be satisfied. They’re going to keep picking apart every little word you said in that conference! That’s why there are a few more things you said that you should clarify before your enemies get ahold of them. Things you said like this:
“But our relationship has never been worse than it is now. However, that changed, as of about four hours ago.”
That was a good start, but you know the Democrats and the Fake News media are going to be screaming to find out what went on four hours ago in that secret meeting. Senator Jeanne Shaheen even wants to subpoena your translator!
How cruel is that?! That poor translator is so traumatized, the only language she can speak now is Pig Latin, and Jeanne Shaheen wants to haul her in front of a Senate Committee?
Shaheen: What transpired in the meeting between our president and Putin?
Translator: O-nay eaka-spay ee-day English-ay.
Anyway, here’s how you need to fix that statement:
Clarification: “But our relationship has never been worse than it is now. However, that changed, as of about four hours ago. That’s when I didn’t pay Putin $130,000 to keep quiet about what went on in there. I hardly know the guy!”
You should also correct this:
Reporter: "Do you hold Russia at all accountable or anything in particular? And if so, what would you what would you consider them that they are responsible for?"
You: “Yes I do. I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish. I think we've all been foolish. We should have had this dialogue a long time ago, a long time frankly before I got to office. And I think we're all to blame.”
With all due respect sir, WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING???!!! Do you know who you’re dealing with? Putin’s standing right next to you, and the thought bubble in his head says, “Careful, Donald. You cross the line and I’ll spank you with a rolled up Forbes magazine faster than you can say, ‘Pee pee tape.’ ”
No, Mr. President. Diplomacy requires subtlety and nuance. Here is what you should say:
Clarification: “Yes I don’t. I don’t hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish. Thank you, sir, may I have another?”
Then you said this:
“I think that the probe is a disaster for our country. I think it's kept us apart, it's kept us separated. There was no collusion at all. Everybody knows it.”
That’s a good start, but how is “everybody” supposed to know it when you only said “no collusion” one time?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I counted three times that I said, ’no collusion,’ plus one ‘zero collusion,’ plus one 'nobody to collude with,’ and one ‘total witch hunt.’ “
And I say to you sir, with all due respect, dig deeper! Drive home the point if you want “everybody” to know it. Here’s what you should say:
Clarification: “I think that the probe is a disaster, no collusion, for our country, no collusion. I think it's kept us apart, no collusion, it's kept us separated no collusion. There was no collusion at all, no collusion. Everybody knows it, no collusion, no collusion, no collusion.”
You see? It’s like a sing-along song, You have to repeat the chorus a whole bunch of times until the whole audience catches on! Then you’ll have everybody waving their lighters and singing along like at a Bruce Springsteen concert!
“No Collusion! No Collusion! No Collusion!”
Pretty soon that song will get stuck in everybody’s head and they’ll never get it out. It’s called an ear worm.
By the way, do you know how to get rid of an ear worm? Dave Barry’s remedy for getting rid of an ear worm is to sing it to somebody else, and then they’ll get stuck with it.
I’ve had a terrible ear worm the last couple days, so I think I’ll try Dave Barry’s remedy. My ear worm is an Oldie But a Goodie. Remember the Platters, that great singing group from the ’50s? I bet they might have even played at one of your casinos. They just don’t make music like that anymore, do they? Anyway, here’s the song that has become my ear worm:
“The Great Pretender”
Tag! You’re it!
P.S. Today when a reporter asked you if you thought Russia was a threat to the November elections after all your intelligence agencies said it was, here’s what you said:
P.P.S. I think you’d better clarify. Maybe you should say, “What I meant to say was “non’t. That’s a double negative.”
P.P.P.S. Sarah Huckabee helped clarify. She said you weren’t answering no to the reporter’s question. You were “answering ’no’ to taking more questions.”
P.P.P.P.S. Oh...now I don't think I don't get it!
P.P.P.P.P.S. BREAKING NEWS!!!
The Failing New York Times Reports: “Two weeks before his inauguration, Donald J. Trump was shown highly classified intelligence indicating that President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia had personally ordered complex cyberattacks to sway the 2016 American election.”
Uh oh. I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t believe you’d better get out there and “clarify!” I don’t think your enemies are not closing in on you faster than you can say “no collusion!”