His Most Excellent Excellency
And Supreme Leader Beyond Reproach
President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House (“a real dump”)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear Most Excellent Excellency And Supreme Leader Beyond Reproach President TRUMP,
The reviews are in and it’s unanimous! You went one-on-one, eye-to-eye, face-to-face, mano a mano, with The Machiavelli of the KGB, The Moscow Assassin, The Bare-Chested Chess Master, and you walked away smelling like the rose they left on your bed at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton!
Here’s a sampling of the reviews:
“Donald Trump’s press conference performance in Helsinki rises to & exceeds the threshold of ‘high crimes & misdemeanors.’ It was nothing short of treasonous. Not only were Trump’s comments imbecilic, he is wholly in the pocket of Putin. Republican Patriots: Where are you???”
—Former CIA Director John Brennan
“Truly unbelievable. On the world's stage, in front of the entire globe, the President of the United States essentially capitulated and seems intimidated by Vladimir Putin. So it was amazing and very, very disturbing,"
—Former NSA Director James Clapper
“No prior president has ever abased himself more abjectly before a tyrant. Not only did President Trump fail to speak the truth about an adversary; but speaking for America to the world, our president failed to defend all that makes us who we are — a republic of free people dedicated to the cause of liberty at home and abroad….Today’s press conference in Helsinki was one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president in memory.“
—Senator John McCain
Former CIA and National Security Director Michael Hayden
Here’s the tweet that Michael Hayden said he agreed with:
“Holy f****n s**t!”
This is a historic day! You’ve accomplished something no modern president has ever done! You’ve united the American people! Before today, the only thing Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell agreed on was the date the Civil War ended, and even then, there’s some confusion. Schumer thinks the Civil War ended on May 13, 1865. McConnell thinks it’s still going on.
Also, McConnell doesn’t call it “The Civil War.” He calls it “The War of Northern Aggression.”
But my point is, it took a genius to break the Washington gridlock and you, sir, have done it! Just look at the reviews from Schumer and McConnell:
"What, if anything, will Congress do in response to this awful trip? Where are our Republican colleagues ... who know in their heart that the president is giving away the store to Vladimir Putin?"
—Senator Charles “Chuck” Schumer
“I have said a number of times, I’ll say it again: The Russians are not our friends. And I entirely believe the assessment of our intelligence community.”
—Senator Addison Mitchell “Mitch” McConnell
Well, there you have it. Schumer says your performance was “shameful” and "strengthened our adversaries while weakening our defenses and those of our allies."
And McConnell says, “The Russians are not our friends.”
That’s the strongest statement McConnell has made since he torpedoed the Merrick Garland nomination when he said:
"I believe the overwhelming view of the Republican Conference in the Senate is that this nomination should not be filled, this vacancy should not be filled by this lame duck president.”
You gotta hand it to that guy! He’s a man of principle! His principles used to be: “Our top priority should be to deny President Obama a second term.”
Now his principles are to get Brett Kavanaugh confirmed on the Supreme Court and to let us know that “the Russians are not our friends.”
That’s heady stuff! The next thing you know, McConnell’s going to go out on a limb and say North Korea’s not our friend either!
But on this day, you achieved a true miracle! You’ve even united Fox News and CNN! Here are more reviews from the peanut gallery:
“(TRUMP was) essentially letting the guy get away with this, not even offering a mild, a mild criticism. That’s what made his performance disgusting. Only way I feel. Not a right or left thing to me. It is wrong."
—Neil Cavuto, Fox News
“From what I saw, I did not like that our president was not defending us and honoring his intelligence community. Horrible.”
—Trish Regan, Fox Business Anchor
“No negotiation is worth throwing your own people and country under the bus.”
—Abby Huntsman, Fox News Commentator and daughter of Ambassador to Russia Jon Huntsman
“Perhaps one of the most disgraceful performances by an American president.”
—Anderson Cooper, CNN anchor
Anderson Cooper???!!! Sir, do you realize what you have done? When you can get Neil Cavuto and Anderson Cooper to agree on what day of the week it is, let alone Russia, you have truly performed magic! Who says you can’t make peace in the Middle East?
I know, I know. You’re being humble and saying, “But Carl, they didn’t totally agree. Cavuto called my performance ‘disgusting,’ while Cooper only called it ‘disgraceful.’ “
My point is, you did what Obama, George W. Bush, and Clinton couldn’t do. You got all of America singing from the same hymn book! You are a Uniter, not a Divider!
And I say to the nay sayers, what else could you have done? It’s like you said, Putin was “extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.”
It’s true! He’s very strong and powerful! Have you seen those pictures of him riding shirtless on a horse? Putin looks so rough and manly! He looks like Daniel Craig Meets the Village People!
How do you stand up to a guy like Putin? While you’re knocking down cheese burgers and Diet Cokes, Putin is playing hockey, hunting big game, and wrestling with tigers.
While you’re puttering around on your golf cart at Mara Lago, Putin is practicing his karate moves and breaking boards and kneecaps!
While you’re calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas,” Putin’s poisoning people who look at him sideways!
While you’re ripping helpless babies from their mother’s breasts, Putin is helping Assad gas whole cities in Syria!
So, of course you had to be nice to him! You just don’t mess with guys like Putin! You never know what that guy might do! He might even bring up dossiers when no one asks him. Like when he said:
"I'd like to add something to this. After all, I was an intelligence officer myself, and I do know how dossiers are made up."
I saw the thought bubble in your head right then. It said, “Please, please, please! Don’t go there, Vlad!”
And when a reporter asked Putin if he had compromising material on you, he said:
"There were over 500 American businessmen, high-ranking, high-level ones. I don't even remember the last names of each and every one of them. Well, do you remember -- do you think that we try to collect compromising material on each and every single one of them?"
Putin’s got a point. I doubt if he has videos of “every single one.”
Anyway, I just want to be the first to say congratulations on uniting America by achieving your goals of blowing up NATO and making sure Putin didn’t release the pee pee tapes.
And for knowing who to pick your fights with. Stick with guys like Marco Rubio.
Remember “Little Marco”?
P.S. Don’t lose any sleep over how much you’ve united us. Now that you’re home, you can go back to what you do best which is separating brown children from their parents, and giving the rich a big tax cut while you’re cutting social programs for the poor. Things will be back to normal in no time!
P.P.S. Could you please send me a photo of you and Vlad together. Send one where you’re shaking hands and Vlad looks like a spider who has a big, dumb horse fly caught in his web.