The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
WA DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
This is outrageous! Now they’re comparing the U.S. to Nazi Germany and you to Hitler!
Did you see Sessions on Laura Ingraham’s Fox show yesterday? She asked Sessions why people were comparing the concentration camps we’re putting immigrant children in to the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. Here’s what Sessions said:
“It’s a real exaggeration. In Nazi Germany, they were keeping the Jews from leaving the country.”
What is it people don’t get?! We’ve all seen the pictures of distraught children crying! We’ve all heard the recordings of traumatized children screaming for their parents! I bet there wasn’t a single Jew in any of those pictures! So why do the arugula eaters keep saying we’re keeping Jews from leaving the country?!
Sessions knows his history! He knows that before the Nazis were keeping Jews from leaving the country, they were kicking out Polish Jewish men with the hopes that separating them from their families would make the women and children go away too.
I ask you: Have we kicked out any Polish Jewish men at the Mexican border?
Here’s another question: Would Hitler’s right hand man, Joseph Goebbels have recused himself?
You see? If Goebbels were your Attorney General, he wouldn’t have ducked under the desk faster than a kindergartener during a school shooting! No—he would have doubled down! Not only would he have admitted colluding with the Russians, he would have proudly owned it!
And if he had stuck to his plan, maybe you could have betrayed Putin just like Hitler betrayed Stalin.
But no! Sessions had to blow it by recusing himself! No wonder you hate him worse than brussel sprouts! Now, all because of Sessions, you’re stuck with getting your hand crushed by the French president after you brushed dandruff off his coat, then flying half-way around the world to shake the clammy hand of some hodunk dictator with a bad haircut!
There are so many reasons people who compare you to Hitler don’t know what they’re talking about! Here are a few:
You had a strong, tyranical father who sent you to military school when all you really wanted to do was get in fights with the neighborhood kids and ride around in your dad's Cadillac. Hitler had a strong, tyranical father who sent him to a strict academic school when all he really wanted was to become an artist.
Your dad set you up in business for life. Hitler’s dad tried to make him follow in his footsteps as a custom’s officer, but we all know how that turned out.
Hitler fought for Germany in WWI and received an Iron Cross for his troubles. You got a bazillion deferments because of bone spurs and all that.
Hitler did a year in jail because of his attempted coup. You’ve been sued a bazillion times, and you’ve been accused of fraud, bribery, and money laundering, and treason, but you haven’t been in jail yet.
Hitler was only married once, to Eva Braun, and they both committed suicide a couple hours later. You’ve been married three times and none of your wives ever committed suicide.
(Memo: Keep the sharp knives away from Melania.)
But here’s the main reason you’re not like Hitler:
Hitler became a bonafide dictator much faster than you! He became German chancellor at the end of 1932 and by March 1933, he had already gotten his cabinet to allow him to do whatever the hell he wanted without their consent for four years! By May, he had already started his purges, dissolved the trade unions, and was sending people to concentration camps.
Hitler was way ahead of you! You’ve been president almost a year and a half, and you’re just getting started sending babies to concentration camps! What’s taking you so long?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, it’s the damn Democrats’ fault! If they weren’t standing in my way, I could catch up to Hitler.”
And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, Hitler would have locked up all the Democrats by now. You haven’t even gotten Hillary yet!
Back to concentration camps. These aren’t concentration camps! They’re just camps where people are being concentrated.
I saw the pictures! Those kids are watching TV! They’re playing video games! They even have thermal blankets! And they’re NOT in cages! If you don’t believe me, ask your Fox & Friends buddy, Steve Douchey. Here’s what Steve Douchey said:
“Some have referred to them as ‘cages,’ but, keep in mind, this is a great, big warehouse facility where they built walls out of chain link fences.”
You see? These aren’t cages! They’re chain link fences. Sort of like the zoo except nobody is allowed in to see them.
I just think these people who compare you to Hitler should study their history! You’re not as bad as Hitler.
Hey! That’s a great idea! I know how much you like “branding.” No no—I don’t mean branding numbers on people’s arms. I mean product branding. Just in case you’re still president in 2020 and you decide to run again, here’s your campaign slogan:
He’s Not As Bad As Hitler!