Attorney General Jeffrey “Beauregard” Sessions #3
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
Dear Attorney General Jeffery “Beauregard” Sessions #3,
Well, that settles it! If God said it, it’s good enough for me!
It’s just like you said:
“I would cite you to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13, to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes.”
Then you cited this passage from Scripture:
“Let every subject of this great and free country obey the authority that the Almighty God has ordained to rip brown children from their mother’s arms, especially in the event that said brown children are feeding from their mother’s breast (in which case why the hell is that harlot exposing her naked breast in public, anyway?), and with said authority invested in God Almighty, the heathen brown immigrant, be it infant or teen, shall be separated from its family and sent to a concentration camp.”
What’s that? Oh, wrong passage. I think this is the one you quoted:
“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”
Who else used that Romans 13 passage to prove they were doing the right thing:
A) Southern slave holders
B) South African apartheid supporters
D) All of the above
That’s right! The answer is: D! Never let it be said that Jeffrey “Beauregard” Sessions #3 doesn’t know his history!
Being the history buff you are, I know you’re up on the Richmond Daily Dispatch which said, back before the War of Northern Aggression, that there were “hundreds of passages from Scripture proving the slavery has divine intervention.”
Don’t you miss the good old days when people obeyed God’s law by owning slaves if they wanted to?
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, that’s settled history. We fought a war over it and we lost. Now the law says we’re not allowed to own human beings anymore, and I honor that.”
And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, don’t be coy! You know there are forces trying to take away our right to dress up in white sheets and wave the Confederate flag, and they’re taking down our statues of heroes who fought and shed blood and died for our right to own slaves!
These are the same forces who want to take away our cops’ right to beat the crap out of black people when they have a broken tail light!
And these are the same anti-authority, anti-God, Northern liberal chardonnay-sipping, arugula eating elitists who want to take away our God-given right to rip brown children away from their mothers’ breasts and send them to concentration camps!
But back to Romans 13. When Hitler had dissidents arrested in the dark of night without due process, he quoted Romans 13. When Hitler invaded neighboring countries, committing mass murder and atrocities, he quoted Romans 13.
It worked for him, it can work for you!
But we have a problem: We all know that TRUMP hates you worse than broccoli. Well, here’s a way to finally get back on his good side. Send out a tweet of Romans 13 with one tiny little change. Here’s the version of Romans 13 you should tweet:
“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which TRUMP has established. The authorities that exist have been established by TRUMP. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what TRUMP has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.”
You see? Sometimes you just have to think outside the white sheets!
And if the anti-authority, anti-God, Northern liberal chardonnay-sipping, arugula-eating elitists don’t like your strict interpretation of Romans 13, give them a taste of their own medicine and quote the Statue of Liberty:
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, and I will rip them from their mothers’ breasts and put them in concentration camps.”
P.S. POP QUIZ #2:
Question: Whatever happened to the Apostle Paul, the guy who wrote Romans 13?
Answer: He was beheaded for not conforming to the beliefs of his government.
Question: Who ordered the beheading?
Answer: That would be Nero. Nero was the bat-shit crazy leader who was known for his decadence and arrogance, wild public outbursts, and fiddling while Rome burned.
P.P.S. Maybe you should start wearing a metal neck brace.