President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
There are enemies in our midst! They are circling you like flies on a 70 year-old cantaloupe!
They’re smiling and rolling out the red carpet which they plan to pull out from under you, fooling you with flattery and finally giving you the respect you deserve but never received from your father who, until his dying day, NEVER ONCE gave you any credit for ANYTHING, insulted your intelligence, fronted you millions of dollars because he knew you couldn’t make it on your own, bailed you out every time you got gazillions of dollars in debt, never gave you one ounce of respect or approval or love, was mean and demanding and treated you worse than he treated his Ethiopian tenants on rent day, and….
Where was I? Oh, right. Enemies. They’re silently chuckling and rubbing their hands together and eying you like a pack of wolves watching a big, bloated, dumb old buffalo that got separated from his herd.
“But Carl,” you say. “Everybody loves me! Kim Jong-Un flew all the way to Singapore to meet me! Putin calls me all the time! And it’s like I said, I have a ‘great relationship’ with Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte.”
I have a question: Did you ever grab a Philippina guerrilla fighter by the pussy? The reason I ask is, if you did, you may have been in for a big surprise. Here’s what Duterte warned female guerrilla fighters:
“There’s a new order coming from the mayor, ‘We will not kill you. We will just shoot you in the vagina.”
Here’s what else you said: “I like Rodrigo. He’s a good guy.”
My point is, this is a dangerous world and you must be very careful, Mr. President. Don’t play with matches around dynamite! Your enemies are smart and cunning and want to fool you into thinking they’re your friends. There’s one enemy in particular you need to watch out for—an enemy so dangerous, so devious, it will require every ounce of skill and wit you can muster to prevail! The entire world is watching you and holding its breath as you wrestle with the enemy that poses an existential threat to human existence! And of course you know who I’m talking about:
What was Justin thinking?! How dare he insult our great country like that! Larry Kudlow spoke for all of us when he called his comments a “slap in the face.” What else can you call it when Justin makes outrageous comments like this:
“Canadians did not take it lightly that the United States has moved forward on tariffs on our steel and aluminum industry. Particularly did not take lightly the fact that it’s based on a national security reason that for Canadians who, either themselves or whose parents or community members have stood shoulder to shoulder with American soldiers in far off lands in conflicts from the first World War onwards, then it’s kind of insulting.”
Can you believe it? Never in the history of our great land has anybody ever said anything so terrible to us! That’s why I was so happy that you showed you weren’t going to take Canada’s arrogance lying down. I was so relieved when you tweeted:
“Based on Justin’s false statements at his news conference ... I have instructed our U.S. Reps not to endorse the G7 Communique.”
I have another question: What does Justin call you when you guys are alone together? Is it Your Highness? Or Your Excellency? Or maybe Mr. Supreme Leader? I just think world leaders should show each other a little respect, don’t you?
It’s high time you taught Justin a lesson!
And while you’re at it, I think you need to teach Angela, Theresa, Emmanuel, and Shinzo a thing or two! How dare they impose tariffs on the United States just because we put tariffs on them! Where does it say in the G7 rulebook that if we punch somebody, they get to punch us back?
And where does it say that if you squeeze, they get to squeeze harder? I saw how hard Emmanuel shook your hand! He left more fingerprints on you than a porn star! Next time you meet Emmanuel, you should wear one of those steel gloves like the King Arthur knights used to wear. See how Emmanuel likes shaking hands with THAT!
Also, you can use it to brush dandruff off his coat.
Heads up! You’d better buy your steel glove now, before the tariffs go into effect. I hear the cost is going to go way up!
And I don’t know how you can stand the way Theresa always lectures you with that “school mistress” tone! She acts like she’s about to make you bend over so she can give you swats with a rolled up Forbes magazine with your picture on it!
Speaking of “school mistresses,” what’s Angela’s problem? I saw that picture of her leaning over the table and badgering you while you had your arms folded. She looked like a teacher who was calling you a bad boy because you showed up tardy for your meeting with Emmanuel, and tardy for the gender equality meeting, and you were truant for the climate change meeting. Also because you pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord and NAFTA and the Iran nuclear deal.
Shinzo looks like the principal who’s thinking, “I should expel this guy but his dad just gave us $100,000 for a new football stadium.”
At least there’s one guy in G7 we can get along with. It’s like you tweeted:
“Just met the new Prime Minister of Italy, @GiuseppeConteIT, a really great guy. He will be honored in Washington, at the @WhiteHouse, shortly. He will do a great job – the people of Italy got it right!”
They sure did! Guiseppe is a political novice who is leading “the most right-wing government in the history of the Republic." Just like you!
Giuseppe wants to rewrite the rules to get tough on immigration. Just like you!
Giuseppe wants to turn the G7 back into the G8 by letting Russia back in. Just like you!
Who says you don’t have any friends?
Speaking of friends, I hope you have a splendid time with Kim Jong-Un. Don’t try to do too much in the first minute. Like you said:
“Within the first minute, I’ll know. My touch, my feel — that’s what I do.”
After the first minute, you can move on to more substantial issues like hair grooming tips. Kim can show you the product he uses to make his hair so slick, black and shiny, and you can recommend Propecia, that stuff your Dr. Borenstein gave you for hair loss, so Kim can finally grow some hair on the sides of his head. It would be a miracle if he could ever grow enough to have the Elvis fenders like you do, but maybe he could work toward a Fonz cut.
From there, you might swap a few stories about what it’s like to inherit fabulous wealth and power from your dad. You can share stories with Kim about your dad’s KKK days and his war profiteering investigation and his civil rights trial. Kim will feel right at home with you when you tell him about how your dad fronted you a million bucks to start your real estate business (or was it $14 million—I never know which report to believe).
I bet Kim has lots of entertaining stories about his dad, Kim Jong-il and all the tricks of the trade the father passed down to the son. Learning all the different ways of assassinating your enemy will be an education in itself. I bet you’ll come home with lots of new ideas!
Anyway, it’s like you said:
“Hopefully, we’ll have liked each other.”
I’m sure you will. You have so much in common!
Have a great summit! What could go wrong?
P.S. I hear Scott Pruitt wanted to buy a used TRUMP mattress from the TRUMP hotel. Tell him there’s a used one at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton that they might be willing to sell.