President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
I see your legal team gave the Failing New York Times a list of 49 questions Mueller wants to ask you. This is the break we’ve been waiting for! Now that you know what questions he’s going to ask, you can go right into Mueller’s office and knock your answers out of the park! There’s only one problem: You need someone to brief you on how to answer the questions.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I have a crack legal team. I have the best legal minds anybody’s ever assembled!”
And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, I wouldn’t want any of your guys defending me for jaywalking! Who have you got?
Ty Cobb? Gone! John Dowd? Gone! Mark Kasowitz? Gone! Joe DiGenova and Victoria Toensing? Lasted one news cycle.
Ted Olson, Bob Bennett, Tom Buchanan, Dan Webb, Bob Giuffra? Wanted to spend more time with their families.
So who does that leave us with:
Emmett Flood? That guy was Bill Clinton’s impeachment lawyer! Do you think you can trust a Clinton guy? He’ll throw you under the bus faster than you can say, “I didn’t have sex with that woman!”
Don McGahn? He’s the traitor who threatened to quit if you fired Mueller!
Jay Sekulow? Are you kidding? That guy would get you 25 years to life for a parking ticket!
Michael Cohen? He’s too busy trying to “fix” things so HE doesn’t get 25 years to life!
And so we’re down to: Rudy Giuliani. Really???
I know, I know. We all love Rudy. Mr. 9/11 and all that. But between you and me, these days Rudy’s about as sharp as his morning bowl of cream of wheat!
You saw what happened! Hannity kept lobbing underhand beachballs to Rudy, and Rudy kept swinging for the fences and getting nothing but air! He looked like Ruth Bader Ginsberg trying to hit a 95 mph whiffleball!
Besides, Rudy’s always been such a camera hog! You’re the only person who should be going on Hannity and swinging at underhand beachballs!
No, there’s only one person you can count on to brief you on how to answer Mueller’s questions. One person with the experience and know-how to coach you through the maize of perjury traps that Mueller is going to be laying for you. And that person is:
As you know, I’ve advised three presidents now. I never went to law school, but look how much good it did all those other clowns who are representing you! I’m not part of the elite DC swamp! I go by instincts, and I think you can see from the advice I’ve given you in the past how far THAT will take you! And besides, I watched every episode of LA Law for all eight seasons!
So here are Mueller’s questions followed by the answers I want you to memorize and repeat word-for-word:
1. What did you know about phone calls that Mr. Flynn made with the Russian ambassador, Sergey I. Kislyak, in late December 2016?
Flynn called Kislyak to talk about my huge electoral win. Nobody expected me to win but guess what? I took Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania! I could have won the popular vote too, but I didn’t need to. That’s because I’m a winner. That’s what I do. I win. Everybody knows that. It would have been so easy!
2. What was your reaction to news reports on Jan. 12, 2017, and Feb. 8-9, 2017?
I don’t know what those reports were but if they were in the Failing New York Times they were Fake News!
3. What did you know about Sally Yates’s meetings about Mr. Flynn?
Lyin’ Sally Yates! She says she warned me that Flynn was lying and was vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians. I’ll tell you who was lying: Sally Yates! She deliberately refused to enforce my travel ban, and she refused to admit that my inaugural crowd was bigger than Obama’s. So much bigger!
4. How was the decision made to fire Mr. Flynn on Feb. 13, 2017?
I called my bodyguard, Keith Schiller. I told Keith to fire Flynn when he was on his way home from raiding Dr. Bornstein’s office. Then I changed my phone number so Flynn couldn’t call me.
5. After the resignations, what efforts were made to reach out to Mr. Flynn about seeking immunity or possible pardon?
I told Keith, I said, “Tell Flynn: When I get indicted he’s gotta talk to Pence and make sure I get pardoned.”
6. What was your opinion of Mr. Comey during the transition?
Lying’ Comey! He’s either very sick or very dumb! First he was loyal to me when he reopened the Hillary investigation. Then he betrayed me when he wouldn’t lock her up! I need loyalty in my FBI Director! Comey tried to hide behind a curtain at the Law Enforcement Officers reception, and when I made him come out and shake my hand, he wouldn’t even hug me! What a slime ball!
7. What did you think about Mr. Comey’s intelligence briefing on Jan. 6, 2017, about Russian election interference?
8. What was your reaction to Mr. Comey’s briefing that day about other intelligence matters?
Do I look like someone who needs to hire hookers to pee on my bed? I can get hookers to pee on my bed for free anytime I want! And besides, I’m a germaphobe. I would only make hookers pee on my bed (for free!) if I wasn’t sleeping in it. By the way, everybody knows I didn’t stay in Russia overnight. Believe me!
9. What was the purpose of your Jan. 27, 2017, dinner with Mr. Comey, and what was said?
I wanted to know if Comey would play ball. I wanted to know if he was on my team. I was putting together a White House basketball game, and the guy’s 6’8” for chrissakes! I wanted him on my side! Sessions was the captain of the other team. He’s little but he’s wiry. I wanted Comey ‘cause I like to win. I’m a winner. That’s what I do: I win! What was said at dinner? I told him the White House cheeseburgers aren’t as good as McDonald’s. The White House is such a dump!
10. What was the purpose of your Feb. 14, 2017, meeting with Mr. Comey, and what was said?
Comey says I said, “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go.” How could I have said that? I already let Flynn go!
11. What did you know about the F.B.I.’s investigation into Mr. Flynn and Russia in the days leading up to Mr. Comey’s testimony on March 20, 2017?
12. What did you do in reaction to the March 20 testimony? Describe your contacts with intelligence officials.
I ordered Rogers, Pompeo, and Coats to tell Comey to back off the Russia investigation.
13. What did you think and do in reaction to the news that the special counsel was speaking to Mr. Rogers, Mr. Pompeo and Mr. Coats?
I never talked to them in my life.
14. What was the purpose of your calls to Mr. Comey on March 30 and April 11, 2017?
And by the way, I never paid Stormy Daniels hush money. Never happened. Everybody knows that.
15. What was the purpose of your April 11, 2017, statement to Maria Bartiromo?
Cohen paid Stormy hush money. I paid him back in small bills. Everybody knows that. By the way, Maria Bartiromo is an 8.
16. What did you think and do about Mr. Comey’s May 3, 2017 testimony?
Giuliani says Lyin’ Comey is a “pervert.” Comey’s the pervert, not me! I’ve said many times: There are no videos of hookers peeing on my bed! Have you ever heard Comey say there are no videos of hookers peeing on HIS bed?
17. Regarding the decision to fire Mr. Comey: When was it made? Why? Who played a role?
I decided to fire Comey the minute he told me about the Russian dossier. That was when I knew he was trying to blackmail me. Who played a role? There were five of them. One played a nurse. Another one played a strict teacher. One was a cowgirl and I was her horse. There were two more and I seem to remember something about panning for gold.
18. What did you mean when you told Russian diplomats on May 10, 2017, that firing Mr. Comey had taken the pressure off?
Everybody has ways of taking the pressure off. My way is firing people. Also golf. Also, and nobody knows this, but I like panning for gold.
19. What did you mean in your interview with Lester Holt about Mr. Comey and Russia?
I was going to fire Comey knowing there was no good time to do it. And in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself — I said, you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made-up story. And if I don’t fire Comey, he’s going to keep sniffing around, and he might find some things I don’t want him to see—like my laundry bills.
20. What was the purpose of your May 12, 2017, tweet?
That was the one where I said Comey better hope there are no tapes. Then Comey said, “Lordy, I hope there are tapes.” You see? Comey IS a “pervert!”
21.What did you think about Mr. Comey’s June 8, 2017, testimony regarding Mr. Flynn, and what did you do about it?
22. What was the purpose of the September and October 2017 statements, including tweets, regarding an investigation of Mr. Comey?
Lyin’ Comey should be investigated because he threw the election! If he hadn’t thrown Hillary under the bus, she’d be president and I’d be in Trump Tower telling anybody who’d listen that we should lock her up! Instead I’m sitting in this dump of a White House telling anybody who will listen that we should lock her up! It’s all Comey’s fault!
23. What is the reason for your continued criticism of Mr. Comey and his former deputy, Andrew G. McCabe?
McCabe’s wife didn’t even vote for me, and now I hear Comey’s wife didn’t either! What kind of loyalty is that? I need loyalty from my FBI employees! I need loyalty from my citizens too! Did you hear Putin got 85% of the vote? I want Putin’s numbers! By the way, who did YOU vote for?
24. What did you think and do regarding the recusal of Mr. Sessions?
Mr. McGoo? After Mr. McGoo told me he recused himself, I told him he was an “idiot,” and that choosing him for Attorney General was the worst decision I ever made! I told him he should resign. I KNEW I should have picked Giuliani!
25. What efforts did you make to try to get him to change his mind?
I told him I needed my Attorney General to protect me. I sent him out to raid Dr. Bornstein’s office and told him to steal all my medical files. I also told him to take that picture of me and Bornstein off the wall. But he wouldn’t do it, so I had to send Schiller.
26. Did you discuss whether Mr. Sessions would protect you, and reference past attorneys general?
I sure did! I told him Bobby Kennedy protected JFK. I told him Holder protected Obama. I have great respect for that. I should have picked Keith Schiller as my Attorney General. He’s my bodyguard. He’d take a bullet for me! But then who would I replace him with to guard my door when Russian hookers want to come in? Sessions?
27. What did you think and what did you do in reaction to the news of the appointment of the special counsel?
I tweeted. Nobody knows this, but when I get mad, I tweet. Boy, did I tweet that day! I set the all-time record for tweets! I tweeted on the toilet. I tweeted while I was watching Fox and Friends. I tried to tweet while I was in a national security meeting but you can’t tweet from the Situation Room. Not enough bars. Tillerson was droning on and on about Syria, and I had go find a place where I could get some bars and tweet.
28. Why did you hold Mr. Sessions’s resignation until May 31, 2017, and with whom did you discuss it?
I didn’t “hold” Sessions’ resignation! I stuck it in my desk and went golfing for the weekend at Mara Lago. I was golfing so well I decided to stay for the week. Who did I discuss Sessions’ resignation with? How the hell should I know? Whoever I was golfing with. Especially on the eleventh hole. That eleventh hole is a bitch! I kept hitting the ball into the lake, so then I’d talk about Sessions to whoever I was with, and while they were distracted, I’d pitch another ball onto the green. I think I was with Tiger Woods. Or maybe it was Rudy Giuliani.
29. What discussions did you have with Reince Priebus in July 2017 about obtaining the Sessions resignation? With whom did you discuss it?
How could I have talked to Priebus about it? I was at Mara Lago golfing! Priebus doesn’t even play golf as far as I know. And if he does, he’s not as good as me, that I can tell you.
30. What discussions did you have regarding terminating the special counsel, and what did you do when that consideration was reported in January 2018?
The Failing New York Times put out a Fake News story saying I told Don McGahn I wanted to fire Mueller. Wrong! I said I was TIRED of Mueller. I said, “That LIAR, Mueller!” I said I wanted to HIRE Mueller to defend me against Michael Avenatti.
31. What was the purpose of your July 2017 criticism of Mr. Sessions?
Everybody criticizes Mr. McGoo! Sessions was the first Senator to endorse me. He thought I was pro-life because I told him, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
32. When did you become aware of the Trump Tower meeting?
What Trump Tower meeting? My son, son-in-law, and campaign manager had lots of meetings at Trump Tower! Maybe there were Russian spies. Maybe there were Russian hookers. How the hell should I know? I was busy on the next floor not talking to Michael Cohen about paying hush money to a dozen different women. How am I supposed to keep track of everything?
33. What involvement did you have in the communication strategy, including the release of Donald Trump Jr.’s emails?
I never told Don Jr. to say that meeting was about Russian adoptions! I told him to say the meeting was to get tickets to a Russian hockey game! But he messed that up (as usual).
34. During a 2013 trip to Russia, what communication and relationships did you have with the Agalarovs and Russian government officials?
Agalarov is a billionaire. So am I. Most people don’t know this, but billionaires like to get together and show each other their money. I even traded Agalarov a few dollars for a few rubles. But I got the better deal. Believe me! Also, his kid is a singer. That kid is a whole lot better than that no-talent Cher. That I can tell you! We should book him sometime at the International Hotel in Vegas. I’m gonna send Giuliani to take care of it. But knowing Rudy, he’ll probably hire Cher instead.
35. What communication did you have with Michael D. Cohen, Felix Sater and others, including foreign nationals, about Russian real estate developments during the campaign?
Sater was dying for me to build a Trump Tower in Moscow. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Every day he was pleading with Cohen. He’d say, “What will it take? Does Mr. Trump want hookers? Does Mr. Trump want a love note from Putin?” I told Cohen to string him along. I said to myself, I said, “Do I need a Trump Tower in Moscow? Of course not! I’ve got all the towers in the world that I could possibly want. I mean if a guy needs to keep building towers just to fill the bottomless pit of his dark and twisted soul, what kind of man is he?” Right?
36. What discussions did you have during the campaign regarding any meeting with Mr. Putin? Did you discuss it with others?
Putin was dying to meet me. Between you and me, I think he’s a little Bareback Mountain, if you know what I mean. Riding horses with his shirt off and all that. I think he’s got a thing for me. But don’t worry about me. I look better without a shirt than Putin, believe me. And if he and I ever get together, I’m sure we’ll take our shirts off and maybe more, and compare. Size each other up. And I’ve got no problems in that department, that I can tell you. Putin and I will do just fine.
37. What discussions did you have during the campaign regarding Russian sanctions?
I said to myself, “Who ordered those sanctions? It was Obama, right?" Doesn’t it strike you funny that Obama never imposed sanctions on Kenya? That doesn’t mean Obama’s from Kenya, but it doesn’t mean he’s not either. Why isn’t anybody looking into THAT?
38. What involvement did you have concerning platform changes regarding arming Ukraine?
I never told the platform committee to change the Republican platform. Neither did Putin. It was Hillary. That’s why Flynn led the crowd in cheering, “Lock her up!”
39. During the campaign, what did you know about Russian hacking, use of social media or other acts aimed at the campaign?
I never colluded with that 400 pound guy who was hacking Hillary’s emails from his bedroom! I never even talked to the guy! Besides, how do you know he was from Russia? He could have been from China or North Korea. I thought his accent sounded like he was from Alabama. Maybe it was Sessions. He must have gained a lot of weight. I’ll tell Schiller to fire him!
40. What knowledge did you have of any outreach by your campaign, including by Paul Manafort, to Russia about potential assistance to the campaign?
No speaka de English.
41. What did you know about communication between Roger Stone, his associates, Julian Assange or WikiLeaks?
Most people don’t know this, but Roger Stone is a psychic. He proved it when he predicted Julian Assange’s WikiLeaks dumps before they happened. Roger Stone also predicted the 9/11 attacks and Kennedy’s assassination which, by the way, nobody has ever proven that Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s dad wasn’t in on it. Roger Stone tells me Lyin’ Ted Cruz’s dad had something to do with it, so maybe he did. How the hell should I know? Anyway, don’t ask ME. I haven’t talked to Roger Stone for days.
42. What did you know during the transition about an attempt to establish back-channel communication to Russia, and Jared Kushner’s efforts?
I didn’t even know I had sex with a porn star! I didn’t even know I paid Michael Cohen back the $130,000 in monthly payments! I can’t even remember the names of the hosts on Fox and Friends! How do you expect me to know Kushner wanted to use secure phone lines inside the Russian Embassy so Flynn could talk to Kislyak behind President Obama’s back?
43. What do you know about a 2017 meeting in Seychelles involving Erik Prince?
Where is Seychelles? Is it somewhere in Mexico? If it is, I don’t want their people coming in! They’re murderers and rapists. And what was Prince doing there? I thought he died of an overdose. Most people don’t know this but we have a terrible opioid problem! But the clueless Democrats don’t want to build a wall to keep the opioids out. Sad!
44. What do you know about a Ukrainian peace proposal provided to Mr. Cohen in 2017?
Cohen was trying to help Putin “fix” a deal between Ukraine and Russia. I don’t know anything that Cohen does. He’s not my lawyer. I fronted him $750,000 so he could “fix” things for me. Maybe he was paying Putin $130,000 to not release the videos. Who knows? Not that Putin has any videos. But even if he doesn’t have them, it would look bad if he released them. How the hell should I know? Who’s Michael Cohen?
Carl here again. Did you notice the Failing New York Times said there were 49 questions but I could only find 44 of them? Fake News! That’s okay. If Mueller asks you more questions than 44, no matter what he says, here’s how you should answer questions 45-49:
45. NO COLLUSION!
46. NO COLLUSION!
47. NO COLLUSION!
48. NO COLLUSION!
49. NO COLLUSION!
(For further clarification, see Questions #7 and 21.)
One more thing: If you can’t remember your answers, just start riffing. You can probably run out the clock with one long answer. What could go wrong?
I promise if you answer Mueller’s questions exactly the way I advise you, we will get the outcome America is praying for!