The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
WA DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
You did it! You lasted through April 2018!
Thank you for helping me win my bet with my wife, Viola! Do you remember last week I told you that she and I had a bet: She said your presidency would be over in April and I said you’d make it till May. If I won, she’d have to watch Fox and Friends for a month and put a Make America Great Again sticker on her car. If she won, I’d have to wear a pussy hat for a month and put a Make America Think Again bumper sticker on my car.
Well, guess what? I won! But now Viola’s refusing to pay up!
That’s right. Viola says she will not watch Fox and Friends for four minutes let alone four weeks, and she won’t put the bumper sticker on her car either.
I told her, “A deal’s a deal! We made a bet fair and square! You can’t just walk away!” And you’ll never guess what she said. Here’s what Viola said:
“That guy you call ‘your president’ walks away from deals all the time! He walked away from the Paris Climate Accords. He’s walking away from the Iran Nuclear deal. He’s walking away from NAFTA and the Trans-Pacific Partnership. If the President of the United States can cheat on a deal whenever he wants, so can I!”
“But Viola,” I said. “You gave me your word!”
And you’ll never guess what Viola did. She walked up to me, leaned her face an inch away from mine, looked me straight in the eye, and said:
I was so shocked you could have spanked me with a Forbes magazine with you and your kids on the cover! (Fall 2006)
“Viola,” I exclaimed. “You’ve never lied to me in your life! What’s gotten into you?”
“I’ve seen the light, Carl,” she said. “What a Goody Little Girl Scout I’ve been! Living by the Golden Rule: ‘Do unto others’ and all that. ‘Honest as the day is long…’ Well Carl, it’s winter in the human race and the days are getting shorter.”
I tried to explain that it’s not winter, it’s springtime! That’s what our whole bet was about—April or May. Springtime! But sometimes you can’t reason with Viola. She kept on going:
“Your president has taught me an important lesson. He even wrote a book about it: ‘The Art of the Lie.’ He lies about the tiniest things like his crowd size and his hands, and he lies about humongous things like the trade deficit and tax cuts and how he’s going to make Mexico pay for the wall. He’s told over 2000 proven lies since he’s been president!
“And 40% of America doesn’t care!” Viola continued. “It’s like watching pro wrestling. Everybody knows it’s fake, everybody knows it’s show biz, but they believe it because they want to! Let’s face it: It’s more fun going to the carnival than getting bored and confused by all those ‘nuances’ and ‘grey areas’ and ‘facts’ that liberals like to toss around!
“Did you hear the poem your president wrote? It goes like this:
“Bananas are red,
Apples are blue,
Obama’s from Kenya,
And NO COLLUSION too.”
Viola was on a roll.
“Your president says he doesn’t believe in climate change, but he’s the one who’s changed the climate! He’s changed the climate so that the only time it’s okay to kick somebody is when they’re down! The only time lying is a sin is if you can’t keep a straight face! He’s turning America into the adult version of Lord of the Flies!”
Viola gets so emotional! It’s just like your Chief-of-Staff John Kelly said:
“Generally speaking, women are more emotional than men.”
Kelly also said that we shouldn’t swear “when there’s a lady present,” because “once women were sacred, looked on with great honor.” That’s why I follow John Kelly’s advice and I try to not yell swear words at Viola. No matter how emotional she gets!
Speaking of John Kelly, what do you think is worse: an idiot or a moron? The reason I ask is John Kelly called you an “idiot.”
I think a moron is much worse than an idiot. That’s what Secretary of State Tillerson called you: a “moron.”
Actually, that’s Fake News! Tillerson didn’t call you a “moron.” He called you a “f***ing moron.”
I think a “f***ing moron” is much worse than a “moron” or an “idiot.” No wonder you fired Tillerson!
I don’t think you should fire Kelly just because he called you an “idiot.” If he had called you a “f***ing idiot,” that would be a different story. Especially if there was “a lady present.”
Where was I? Oh right—Viola. I won my bet fair and square but Viola refuses to pay up! She says if the President of the United States lies and blows up deals, why shouldn’t she?
I have to admit she’s got a point. So we renegotiated the deal. Now Viola is betting that you’ll be out of the White House by the end of May, and I say you’ll make it at least till June. If I win, she has to hang a framed picture of you over her desk. If she wins, I have to read Hillary’s book, “What Happened.”
THE FAILING NEW YORK TIMES REPORTS ROBERT MUELLER HAS SUBMITTED 49 QUESTIONS THAT HE WANTS TO ASK THE PRESIDENT!!!
Don’t tell Viola, but if I lose my bet I’m not going read Hillary’s book! I already know what happened!
P.S. Just in case I win my bet and you stay in the White House till June, could you please send an autographed photo? Make it out to Viola. Write on it: “Make America Think Again!” That’ll make her think!