President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Sorry it’s been so long since my last letter. What with Michael Cohen getting raided by the FBI and getting ready to “flip;” and what with you and Kim Jong-Un getting ready for your big meeting and everybody’s saying Kim’s going to play you like a tuba; and Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti going on every TV show except Sesame Street saying this is just “foreplay;” and Comey going on every TV show except Fox and Friends blabbing about how you’re like a mafia boss and you’re “morally unfit to be president;” and Pruitt getting blamed by Fake News just because while he was busy “draining the swamp” he was also busy draining the EPA budget so he could fly first class on his well-earned vacations surrounded by a bazillion secret servicemen so nobody could yell at him for setting up sweetheart deals with energy lobbyists and nobody could swear at him for setting their water pipes on fire, and….
Where was I? Whew! I’m exhausted! I can only imagine how tired you must be! I can tell you’re tired because the goggle lines that you get in the tanning booth don’t cover the bags under your eyes anymore. Maybe you should take off your goggles in the tanning booth and try to give a nice orange tint to those bags. If you didn’t need goggles when you looked at the eclipse, you don’t need them in the tanning booth!
But where was I?
Oh yeah—right! What with Robert Mueller closing in on you like a stealth bomber; and Putin smiling at you like a poker player who’s holding a “Royal Flush” and holding a video by the same name; and your bomb attack on Syria doing as much good as a 5 am tweet; and what with your State Department gutted and you can’t even get Pompeo out of committee; and lawsuits by Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal and Summer Zervos and….
My brain is exploding! Every time I watch the news I feel like you do after you’ve eaten six cheeseburgers and chased them down with a dozen diet Cokes! I don’t know how you do it! It’s like Dr. Ronny Jackson said:
“He has incredibly good genes, and it’s just the way God made him."
God works in mysterious ways. He makes some people born poor and die of lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan, and He makes other people born with a bazillion dollars who can eat all the cheeseburgers and diet Cokes they want. Go figure.
Speaking of Dr. Ronny Jackson: What with the Democrats holding up his nomination for Veterans Affairs secretary just because it’s the second largest agency in the U.S. and he’s never run an agency in his life; and what with 250 cabinet positions unfilled; and what with the Democratic National Committee suing Russia, WikiLeaks and the TRUMP campaign even though you’ve said a bazillion times: “NO COLLUSION!”; and what with Sean Hannity turning out to be “The President Whisperer;” and what with Paul Ryan quitting, and Trey Gowdy quitting, and Bob Corker quitting, and Charlie Dent quitting, and Orrin Hatch quitting, and Darrel Isa quitting, and Jeff Flake quitting and comparing you to Stalin and saying:
"No longer can we compound attacks on truth with our silent acquiescence. No longer can we turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to these assaults on our institutions. An American president who cannot take criticism -- who must constantly deflect and distort and distract -- who must find someone else to blame -- is charting a very dangerous path. And a Congress that fails to act as a check on the President adds to the danger…”
Here’s my point: With all these messes, you need a “fixer” more than ever! You need a guy like Michael “The Fixer” Cohen who will say:
"If somebody does something Mr. TRUMP doesn't like, I do everything in my power to resolve it to Mr. TRUMP's benefit. If you do something wrong, I'm going to come at you, grab you by the neck and I'm not going to let you go until I'm finished."
You need a “fixer” like Michael Cohen who will “take a bullet” for you! Which brings me to this question:
Do you think one bullet will be enough?
Maybe you’d better talk to Putin. He’s got a nerve agent that he uses on journalists and spies and political opponents who he wants to keep quiet. Maybe he’ll sell you some.
I have another question:
Do you think Putin would give you a discount if you bought his nerve agent in bulk?
The reason I ask is Michael Cohen isn’t the only guy who’s going to start singing. Flynn is singing. Gates is singing. Papadopoulos is singing. That’s enough for a barber shop quartet right there! Add Hope Hicks and Roger Stone and Sam Nunberg and pretty soon you’ll have enough singers to fill the Mormon Tabernacle Choir!
I don’t know how you do it! When I get stressed out, I watch old Laurel and Hardy movies. For you, I guess it’s golf, tweeting, and hookers.
Try Laurel and Hardy sometime. They remind me of you and Michael Cohen. A little skinny guy and a big fat guy. They were so funny! Remember when Oliver Hardy said:
"I'm warning you, tread very f***ing lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be f***ing disgusting."
Whoops! You see? I get you mixed up! That’s what Michael Cohen said to Ivana when you and she were getting divorced. Here’s what Ollie used to say to Stan Laurel:
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into."
P.S. Remember I told you my wife Viola and I had a bet? The bet was if you stayed in office till May, she’d have to watch Fox and Friends for a month. If you quit the presidency in April, I’d have to wear a pussy hat for a month. Well, now we’ve upped the ante. If I win, Viola has to take the Hillary, Obama, and Kerry bumperstickers off her car and put on a “Make America Great Again!” bumper sticker. If she wins, I have to put a bumper sticker on my car that says, “Make America Think Again!” Hang on for nine more days!