President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
WA DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Let me be the first to say: Congratulations!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I’ve done so many VERY GREAT things, which one of the many VERY GREAT things that I’ve done to Make America GREAT Again are you congratulating me for?
“Are you talking about the VERY GREAT decision I made to send the National Guard down to the Mexican border?”
Well, no sir. That was a VERY GREAT decision but that’s not what I was thinking of. But congratulations for that decision anyway! I did the math: If you line up National Guard troops every three feet along two thousand miles of border, it comes to 9,011,600 troops. You always said you wanted a “big beautiful wall” to keep the brown rapists and murderers out. Now you’ll have it! A big beautiful National Guard wall!
And there won’t even be any graffiti!
I have a confession and an apology: I haven’t done the math yet on how many troops it will take to line up along the beaches to keep the brown rapists and murderers from invading us by sea. I’ll try to figure that out for you. Also, I haven’t figured out what to do when it’s high tide. I guess they can all just back up.
Maybe you think I’m congratulating you for starting a VERY GREAT trade war with China. Even though it’s like you said, “Trade wars are good and easy to win,” that’s not what I had in mind either. But while we’re on the subject, have you seen the stock market graph lately? It looks like your signature!
And China thinks they’re so smart to be targeting your base with their tariffs! Soybeans, fruit, nuts, tobacco, whiskey! Those farmers all voted for you! But don’t worry. It’s like you said:
"I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters.”
It’s true! Your base loves you—especially if you shoot somebody on 5th Avenue! And if some hayseed soybean farmer loses his overalls while you’re busy winning the trade war, just tell him to move to West Virginia and get a job in a coal mine!
And we don’t even have to say “Clean Coal” anymore! Not since we got Scott Pruitt at EPA!
Speaking of Pruitt, who are you going to replace him with? I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I haven’t fired Pruitt yet. Didn’t you hear Sarah Sanders? She gave Pruitt a full vote of confidence. Here’s what she said:
“The president’s not — we’re reviewing the situation. When we’ve had the chance to have a deeper dive on it we’ll let you know the outcomes of that. But we’re currently reviewing that here at the White House.”
Like I said, who are you going to replace him with? There’s only one person I can think of who can uphold the impossible standard that Pruitt has set at the EPA! Only one person who can set the same ethical and moral tone! Only one person who can nuke the EPA into oblivion faster than you can say “North Korea!” And that man is:
I know, I know. You’ve already picked Ted Nugent for Homeland Security.
What about Laura Ingraham? She’s a FOX-News star and I hear she’s going to be available.
I keep getting distracted. There’s only one reason I’m writing to congratulate you and here it is:
You are not a SUSPECT in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation! You’re only a SUBJECT.
This proves what you’ve been saying all along: “NO COLLUSION!”
Also: “WITCH HUNT!”
Also: “Putin says very nice things about me. I think that's very nice and it has no effect on me other than I think it's very nice.”
Now that you know you are only a SUBJECT and not a SUSPECT, you have the green light to talk to Mueller. Everybody says they’re worried if you testify, you’ll lie and lie and lie, and the next thing you know, Mueller will be putting you in handcuffs faster than you can say “MikeFlynnPaulManafortCarterPageRickGatesGeorgePapadopoulosAlexvanderZwaan!
Don’t listen to them! You’ve been around this block lots of times! You had to testify when you declared bankruptcy after you ran up a $3 billion debt at the TRUMP Taj Majal.
You had to testify when you declared bankruptcy after you ran up a $550 million debt at the TRUMP Plaza Hotel.
You testified when TRUMP Hotels and Casinos Resorts filed for bankruptcy after running up a 1.8 billion dollar debt, and then again when TRUMP Entertainment Resorts missed a $53 million payment.
You’ve been in court more times than Judge Judy! Testifying to Mueller will be like a stroll in the park during a MeToo! rally! You can talk circles around that guy! When Mueller says, “Mr. President, how do you explain that all of your top aides, your National Security Advisor, your son, and your son-in-law all colluded with the Russians and you didn’t know a thing?”
You just close your eyes, put your hands over your ears, shake your head and reply: “NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT! NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT! NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT!”
Then when he indicts you, just declare moral bankruptcy.
P.S. Speaking of moral bankruptcy, I think you’d better testify in that Stormy Daniels case too. You’re not even a SUBJECT in that one. The only SUBJECT is your genitalia which her lawyer says Stormy can describe “in great detail.” No problem! Just repeat what you told 18 million viewers in the Republican presidential debate:
"Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”
P.P.S. My wife Viola says small hands mean you have a small mind. Do you think that’s true?
P.P.S. Please send me that picture of you with Stormy Daniels. Make her sign it, but you don’t need to. Just draw a line for David Dennison and leave it blank.