President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Remember back in June 2016 when I sent you that job application? At the time, I offered to be your spell corrector, fact checker, and English translator. I pointed out that on your website there were some grammar mistakes that needed fixing. Like the part where the site invited the readers to contact you and said this:
“He is not only a very busy guy but also can be mean sometimes. Celebrities like him usually don't bother to answer any request from common people.
Emphasize on why you like him or her.”
I explained to you that, “Emphasize on why you like him or her” is bad English. (Underline mine.)
I told you this was bad English too:
“Figure out where Donald TRUMP live. He lives in New York and he got a public relation office there too." (Underline mine.)
“The best way to get in contact with Donald TRUMP is to visit to places where he goes frequently. Or wait outside his office building. That way you get to talkk to him personally.” (Underline mine.)
How do you spell “talk”:
C) tick tock tick tock
The answer is C. Just ask Bob Mueller!
Anyway, I’m sorry my being your spell corrector/fact checker/English translator didn’t work out so well. But that was so 2016! Now you are President and we have much bigger fish to fry! Issues like free trade and North Korea and how do you sue a porn star for breaking a confidentiality agreement that you never signed. Issues like guns and taxes and how do you keep from getting impeached!
This is a perfect time for me to apply for a White House job because I hear you have lots of openings! And I think you will see after reading my application that I would be a perfect fit for a number of positions that are now or will soon be vacant. Here is a list of jobs I’m applying for and my case for why you should hire me:
Attorney General: Sessions has got to go! I never trusted that guy! Remember when he was the first Senator to endorse you and he put on that “Make America Great Again” cap? Well here’s a question: Have you ever once seen him wearing that cap since you made him attorney general? I rest my case. And then he goes and recuses himself from the Russia investigation just because he got caught in the middle of those “no collusion” meetings!
Well, sir, if you make me attorney general, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll go on Fox News and I’ll announce that there’s no such thing as a Russia investigation! It never happened! Fake News! And I’ll go one step further: I’ll announce that there’s no such person as Mueller, Comey, or McCabe. They don’t exist. And if Mueller, Comey, and/or McCabe come out with memos that “prove” they exist, I’ll talk to Putin about them. He’ll know what to do.
EPA Director: I know you’re considering replacing Sessions with the current EPA director, Scott Pruitt, which is fine with me. As attorney general, he’ll do exactly what I just said I’d do. So if you send Pruitt over to the Justice Department, I’ll be happy to replace him at EPA. Listen to this:
The earth naturally goes through fluctuating climatic cycles one of which we are not currently experiencing due to the rotation of the planet in concurrence with the distance from the sun which happens to be ninety-three million miles away give or take a foot or two which explains why we are actually cooling as can be seen by the severe snow storms we are experiencing on the east coast which is why we need to open more clean coal mines and drill for oil in our national parks and drill for natural gas by a process called hydraulic fracking which contrary to popular belief and fake science does not cause air or noise pollution and does not cause people’s water supply to be set on fire as we balance the preservation of our sacred lands with the needs of our CEOs to deposit their money in offshore accounts before the islands get flooded so they can hire more miners to supply our much needed energy to balance out the wind, solar, and other alternatives that we no longer subsidize because they have as much chance of surviving as a snowball being dropped on the Senate floor which proves there is no global warming.
You see? I’d be a perfect EPA Director!
Secretary of State: As you know, the world is a tinder box. We face unprecedented dangers in North Korea, Russia, China, Iran, the entire Middle East. This position requires an almost superhuman mix of intellect, diplomacy, nuance, strength and subtlety. As Secretary of State, here is what I will do:
Secretary of Defense: Vegas odds have McMaster as the next to go. Sad. He showed so much promise. But here was McMaster’s problem: He didn’t read your tweets. How could he know that “the results of the 2016 election were not impacted or changed by the Russians"? How could he know that we don’t care if Putin poisons his enemies in the UK?
How could he know if we’re going to nuke North Korea with our “bigger, more powerful nuclear button” or if we’re going to get into bed with Kim Jong-un faster than you can say “Stormy Daniels”?
The answer is McMaster might be a 3-star general but he didn’t know because he didn’t read your tweets. I promise, as Secretary of Defense, I will always read your tweets and I’ll follow them to the letter—no matter how dizzy I get!
CIA Director: The DC gossip machine has Pompeo leaving the CIA and going to State, and Gina Haspel replacing him at CIA. Great choice! If the Senate won’t confirm her just because she oversaw a few “black sites” and authorized torture during the Bush administration, I know just the person for the job: Me! Remember when you said:
"I would bring back waterboarding, and I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”
Well, sign me up. This world is a dangerous place and we don’t have the luxury to coddle our enemies! I promise, as CIA director, I’ll torture whoever you want, whenever you want—starting with Mueller, Comey, and McCabe!
And I’m not trying to protect my job, and I don’t mean to stab anybody in the back, but I need to give you the heads-up: Whatever you do, don’t re-hire John Brennan! Remember him? He was Obama’s CIA director. Here’s what he said today:
"When the full extent of your venality, moral turpitude, and political corruption becomes known, you will take your rightful place as a disgraced demagogue in the dustbin of history. You may scapegoat Andy McCabe, but you will not destroy America ... America will triumph over you.”
I don’t think he’d be a good fit.
Anyway, sir, I am here at your service to fill any or all of these positions. I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, no one human being can handle all of these jobs at once!” And for my answer, I have two words:
If he can solve the opioid epidemic, negotiate with China and Mexico, reform veteran’s care, overhaul the criminal justice system, and make peace in the Middle East, all at the same time he’s negotiating with a sanctioned Russian bank to bail him out of a 1.8 billion dollar business deal, than I think I can handle a little multi-tasking.
The other thing I want to mention is….wait! What’s this?
TRUMP Lawyer Calls For End To Mueller Investigation!
Your lawyer, John Dowd, just said this:
“I pray that Acting Attorney General Rosenstein will follow the brilliant and courageous example of the F.B.I. Office of Professional Responsibility and Attorney General Jeff Sessions and bring an end to alleged Russia collusion investigation manufactured by McCabe’s boss James Comey based upon a fraudulent and corrupt dossier.”
You see? You and I know, and Dowd knows it too—Rosenstein will never “follow the brilliant and courageous example” of Sessions! And Sessions will never follow “follow the brilliant and courageous example” of Sessions because he recused himself! But we know who would “follow the brilliant and courageous example” of Sessions:
And another perk I’ll throw in: I’ll do it for free!
Just like Paul Manafort!
Carl Estrada—at your service!